Have you ever wondered why teasing doesn't always get the intended results?
Because it's ambiguous. And anytime we're ambiguous we risk being misunderstood. Our fun can turn into someone else's humiliation if it's misguided or misinterpreted.
Justin Kruger, a professor at the Stern School of Business at New York University, recently conducted research in this area. He asked roommates to tease each other and found that those who were teased almost consistently felt more antagonized than was intended. Instead of feeling a little "nudge" of teasing, they felt ridiculed.
Here's what really happens: The actual content of a tease is, by definition, negative. But seldom do the teasers intend it to be taken literally. So they try to temper it with body language or a tone of voice that implies "only kidding." Its too late. The person being teased is actually unaware or unmoved by the harmless intentions and perceives it as being malicious.
Teasing: A potential career-ending moment
During the past year I've intervened in two situations that were presented as harassment cases. In one instance the accused apologized immediately in front of a roomful of people. Not good enough--a complaint was issued and follow-up action prescribed. In the second, a similar tease took place but with no apology. Instead, an explanation was offered to explain the tease and why the recipient "shouldn't be offended." It was unbelievably difficult for the "perpetrator" to understand why the person was so deeply offended. In both instances the teaser was a high ranking executive and the recipient was a woman one level below in the hierarchy. Both situations were ultimately resolved. In the interim, both execs were in genuine danger of losing their jobs.
How to Tease
Kathleen McGowan of Psychology Today magazine offers these tips:
- Choose your subject carefully. Being ribbed about something silly you did or said is much easier to take than being kidded about a basic trait like weight or appearance. Harass your friend for bragging, for mispronouncing words or for being unable to parallel park—not about his big nose or her hefty legs.
- Tease up or across your social world, not down. Because teasing playfully punctures another person's sense of self, it is more wounding when directed at someone of lower status.
- Exaggerate the tease. Go for absurdity, not subtlety. Exaggerating your body language and your words clarifies that you're just joking and makes it less likely that your intent will be misread.
Bonus Love-life Tip
From Kathleen: "Beware the Gentler Sex. In the context of romance, women are more likely to feel insulted by teasing than are men, perhaps because guys are used to it: Young boys often express friendship through taunting and banter."
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