Where Have All The Men Gone?
Yesterday I was lounging at Barnes & Noble drinking expresso and reading a stack of magazines.
Best Life magazine grabbed my attention with the headline that I used here. Here's why:
I've wondered for a long time why mentoring has subsided while coaching has blossomed. And I've always had a hunch that it had to do with a change in the nature, frequency, and depth of relationships. This article really does the topic justice and is a must read for men--and women--as well.
What does the Best Life article point to?
According to the author's research, there are four contributing factors:
1. Men who have been managing their careers for years but who find themselves, midstream, feeling bereft of the kind of friendships they once had seem to have made four critical life mistakes, according to experts. The first and biggest problem involves time constraints, according to sociologist Theodore F. Cohen, professor of sociology at Ohio Wesleyan University, who has studied men’s friendship networks. “Friendship ties,” Cohen writes in the discussion of one study, “seemed always to rank behind both marriage and parenthood in terms of the salience and legitimacy of their claims on one’s time.” Add to the mix the time pressures of one’s career and you can see how male friendships can slowly start to vanish.
2. The second problem is a little more insidious and involves the way men tend to forsake their male friends and elect their wives or girlfriends as their new and primary best friends in their social worlds. Call it the Yoko Ono effect. You’ve heard it before, say, during a bridegroom’s toast to his new wife. “And most important [emotive pause], she’s my best friend.” [Applause.] One of the strongest findings in the “Social Isolation in America” study was about friendship networks: “Core confidants surrounding the typical American,” say the authors, “have become smaller and more centered on the close ties of the spouse/partner.”
3. ...the tendency for men to entrust their social lives to their girlfriends or wives. “Women have historically been the ‘kinskeepers’ of Western society,” writes sociologist Barry Wellman, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of Toronto. (For a quick litmus test, ask yourself: Who does the holiday cards each year—you or your wife?) With the growth of the suburbs, explains Wellman, and the gradual evaporation of urban meetinghouses, where men used to gather and form friendships, the planning of a man’s social calendar gradually began to take place in the home, the wife’s domain. Gatherings of friends, moreover, began to occur more frequently in the home with cocktails and dinner—again territory staked out by the wife. (Suburban Man moved outside, to be alone with the barbecue.) On some level, we have never gotten over the regime.
4. The fourth mistake takes us to the problem of male friendship at its widest circumference. It has to do with the sense of manhood we inherit from our fathers and from the movies, a sense of manhood that is standard issue, handed out, as it were, when we were boys, and it is symbolized by the lone rider, brave, independent, and self-sufficient—the Clint Eastwood effect. This guy has so much shit to do that he doesn’t need friends. But dozens of studies in psychology, epidemiology, and the new field of (brace yourself) psychoneuroimmunology, or PNI, which investigates the links between the mind and the immune system, have made it abundantly clear that there are certain measurable risks involved in isolating yourself like the High Plains Drifter or reducing your life to the same dreary combination of work, home, Starbucks (repeat until the grave).
What Should We Be Thinking About?
Clearly, society--as always--is having an impact on how workplace relationships, mentoring, and the development of ensuing generations of leaders are being played out (or not). If mentoring and leadership development is a concern, then maybe we need to look at the changes in values, expectations, and demands that have pulled men away from performing those roles.
I'm always up for finding ways to be more attentive and understanding of the unique needs and differences when it comes to my wife, daughter, and women in the workplace. Anything less doesn't reflect genuine caring. And to think that two people of different genders are the same because they both are "analytical" is sheer foolishness.
But if we're allowing flawed lifestyle and cultural shifts to override the roles that enable men to mentor and develop future leaders, then perhaps we should stop and think about where this is really taking us. Is this where we intended--and want-- to go?
The Yoko Ono Effect helped Yoko a lot, but it sure didn't do anything for the Beatles.
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Hi Steve,
I saw strengths guru Marcus Buckingham speak last year. I also know that research (and common sense) confirm that focusing on peoples' strengths has a positive affect on morale, engagement and the bottom line.
But as with any approach (or new idea), focusing on STRENGTHS can go overboard in organizations, causing many negative side-affects. Some I've seen:
- Using the "strengths" research as an excuse for managers to avoid uncomfortable performance discussions with employees. ("Everyone knows that James is difficult to work with and shirks his responsibilities. No one wants to work with him and clients complain about him...but he's a really good analyst. Let's not rock the boat.")
- Hiding behind strengths as an excuse for bad behavior. For example, "I'm sorry that I snapped at you and called you a bumbling idiot. I have a short fuse. That's just how I am. Sensitivity is not my strength. You'll just have to accept that."
- Dumping mundane tasks (like paperwork, administration) on others because "it's not my strength." (For example, "Anne, you're SO GOOD at making the office coffee, cleaning out the pot and using the fax machine. Would you mind? I'm not good at that kind of stuff.") All jobs require doing some things we don't like, or aren't particularly good at...and most companies can't afford to give all of their employees an assistant to dump work on. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and do something, even though it's not our strength.
All of that said, I'm still a huge believer in focusing on strengths. I just get alarmed when I see a good concept spin out of control and become destructive. Phyllis
What's Happening With The Strengths/Weaknesses Thing?
First of all, what's happening is what Phyllis says is happening. There are probably a number of reasons why, but I think there is a phenomenon that gets played out--at least in American business circles--whenever the latest and greatest thing hits the scene. And it's this:
What is actually a Principle is adopted as a Rule.
Instead of really taking time to understand all that lies underneath a principle, people run with the catch phrase and treat it as "the way." A book title becomes a buzzword that is then tossed around in meetings. It becomes problematic when the word doesn't have a shared meaning among the users. And that happens a lot. So it is with Strengths.
It's a lot easier to say "It's all about Strengths" than it is to live a life identifying and acknowledging our strengths; figuring out where we need to become at least adequate in some of our weaknesses; and respecting the people around us enough to behave unselfishly even when we "feel" like doing our own thing our own way.When managers avoid uncomfortable performance discussions, they are showing disrespect for their employee. How can the person improve without hearing the truth, explore ways to change, and growing as a result?
When we hide behind Strengths as an excuse for bad behavior, we're really saying "I don't respect you enough to bother to honor you with good behavior."
And when mundane tasks are dumped on someone else because "I'm not good at it," then I better ask myself just how I'm using my position power. Is one of my less attractive "strengths" the inclination to take advantage of others' weakness?
What I find ironic as I write this is: we're talking about Strength, yet the insidious culprit is Laziness.
What to do?
1. Take time to learn the "why?" behind the "what." When you can explain a concept accurately using everyday language, you've got it. If you or colleagues around you are still discussing things using buzzwords, stop and ask for an explanation of the meaning. That discussion could lead to shared meaning and deeper understanding.
2. When you hear a "performance excuse" disguised as a reason, follow up by asking: "What are you going to do about that? It's impacting other people and that's not acceptable." It's amazing how we'll make changes once we are called on our behavior and not allowed to explain it away.
3. Make really bad coffee and jam the fax machine.
Thanks again, Phyllis.
What stories and thoughts do you have on the topic? Add your experience to the conversation with a comment below.