Success and Authenticity Draw a Crowd

Yesterday's post on success and authenticity drew some very thoughtful comments as well as a nice mention by Liz Strauss in her Blog Herald post on the same topic.

Jim Stroup at Managing Leadership had this to say:

"In a world where managers are inundated with advice on how to make mythic figures - heros or saints - of themselves, this post is an important splash of cool, clear water. I especially like the caution about humility not being false modesty - humility is generally promoted in such grandiose and elevated terms that it is adopted, or, rather, affected - we all have seen this - with the most unsettling arrogance.

You are speaking of authenticity in a way similar to the way I define integrity: being what you represent yourself to be, and representing yourself to be what you, in fact, are."

Who Am I? Who Are You?

Why do we find ourselves and others struggling in the workplace--often in mid-career--asking "Who Am I and What Should I Be Doing?

Dr. Peter Vajda, who is a values-based coach, counselor, and trainer in Atlanta, Georgia (USA) took time to serve up such a well thought-out response that I wanted to make it readily available. Here's what Peter has to say about authenticity:

"The kicker for me is that everyone is born authentic. It’s just that we then spend countless minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years separating from our innate, authentic self. Then, of course, we become confused. “Who am I, really?” becomes the operative question.

Spending our time wearing one mask to ourselves, and other to the multitudes we meet along the way at work, at play, at home, in relationships, we become confused souls. Stressful and bewildering. Many of us don’t really know who we, ourselves, are.

Because of our inner sense of insecurity, something we learn to internalize in childhood, many of us have become actors trying to appear as our selves, efforting, “trying” to be "myself" rather than just “being myself.” Leading to nothing but self-deceit and much stress, many folks then spend huge amounts of time and energy searching for who they really are without arriving at an answer. The difficulty is that discovering one’s authenticity is the work of the soul – and most folks “think” they can do it “in their heads”, that it’s something one “figures out.” Hmmm.

So, becoming (consciously or unconsciously) obsessive over how we appear to others, we manifest the need for unusual amounts of admiration, recognition and approval from others. So, we “do what we have to do” to get it…and this means, not being myself, not being authentic, with "warts and all", or being and feeling vulnerable, etc. So, we then behave in ways that are grandiose, false, inauthentic, and reactive.

The greatest obstacle in being authentic is that most folks have come to identify with self-images they have taken on from their parents, their friends, their schooling, the media, etc. and this is who they take themselves to be. When we let go of these “mental” self-images, and come from our Inner Core and True Self, we can be authentic. But few are able or willing to do the deeper exploration of our selves to look at the “spiritual” truth of who we are…so another day, another mask, another persona, another attitude, another new expensive car, another new outfit, another in-your-face, overbearing, controlling, egotistical, self-centered, superficial and narcissistic “me” – a “me” I really don’t know at all.

So, when we separate from our Core self, this disconnect manifests largely as our ego-self, which leads to a loss of self-esteem and sensing this loss of self-esteem, we try as hard as we can to recover our sense of value and worth from the outside…shoring up our self by being phony and fake - in thought, word, and deed, failing to be, and fearing to be, authentic.

The $10 question is “What’s right about not showing up as my true and real self...?”

(c) 2007, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and SpiritHeart. All rights in all media reserved

Peter is an author and his remarks above are copyrighted.

Note the paradox in Peter's remarks. The act of trying to be that which we are not actually lowers self-esteem instead of achieving the desired results.

Thanks, Peter.

Photo attribution:  www.maccs.mq.edu.au/ research/programme/belief.htm

Comments

[Liz Strauss]

The saddest part of the story is that it takes so much less energy to be authentic.

People say to me, "I'm not good at presenting. I know presenters. I'm not one, but I have to talk to these people."

So I say to them, "That's how I would start, by telling them that very thing . . . that you feel that you're not very good at that, bet they tell you it doesn't matter; that they want to hear what you have to say."

When folks actually say what they are feeling, a bond is forged. The nervousness falls away and they talk to their audience as if they've been born to it.

Their response is always disbelief at how easy it was once they let themselves just say what they had to say.

[Steve Roesler]

You picked a really good example, Liz.

The whole notion of "presentations" conjures up performing vs. conversing & relating. Since everyone experiences some form of angst (unless they're arrogant or unaware) at the outset of a talk, it's merely a reflection of the human condition. Your suggestion to "name it" up front brings instant bonding; and the relational response from the group puts a neutralizing effect on the fear.

All because someone decided to be genuine--which then brought about a genuine response.

Thanks for stopping by and adding that to the conversation...

[Jim Stroup]

Thank you, Steve, for your generous treatment of my comments.

Liz highlights an important point about the fear of presenting - we all think those people are just sitting out there counting our mistakes, waiting an opportunity to point them out or laugh about them behind our back. But the truth is typically just the opposite: they came to hear us speak - they don't want to be bored or irritated (they'll probably be both if you pretend to be someone you're not), they want to find value in what you say - and they'll be actively looking for it - that's what they'll be counting, and waiting an opportunity to talk with you and each other about. They're on your side, both for your sake - and their own.

Great dialogue on this site - in the posts and comments both. Keep it up, Steve - and everyone!

[Steve Roesler]

You make a good point, Jim. When you're invited to speak it's for a reason, such as "We want you to speak to us because we are interested in what you have to say about Topic X!"

And you're dead on: my experience is that everyone is usually rooting for the speaker because we all know that between the research, design, and delivery, it's not a cakewalk.

So why not be yourself since that's who they invited?

[Billy Smith]

Great post and great comments. It is funny that you are talking presenting because for the longest time I had the hardest time public speaking because I feared people judging me. I finally realized a) how selfish that is because it is not about me, but the content and b) people's feedback most of the time is given to build me up not tear me down.

I finally got over that fear and realized I am here to share and not to worry about what i "receive."

One of the great illustrations I have ever read about authenticy, feedback, and how you view yourself was of a Fun House Mirror. Dr Tim Elmore talks about how we look into these mirrors and we see ourselves distorted, sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad, but it is not a true image of ourselves. The challenge is to find a straight mirror.

Billy

[Steve Roesler]

Billy,

I like your insights:

First, the illustration using the fun house mirror. It's so true, isn't it? Regardless of the mirror, it's often distorted. The challenge is to develop trusted sources to help us become a little more effective while remaining ourselves in the process.

The second is the simple but profound gesture of giving vs. receiving. What a helpful way for speakers to frame their task and put the emphasis in the right place.