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CA

You hit the nail on the head Steve. I am a firm believer that an individual's attitude is more important than skills or talent. I took a similar leap of faith exactly a year ago. I am in the process of making it work now.

It's funny that we go about life wearing a lens (read perspective) and try to equip others with our lens (and in the process perhaps burn bridges) when all we needed to do was to change our lens.

Steve Roesler

CA,

I like your lens analogy...and it looks as if you are immersed in, and having a good time, with your enterprise. Isn't that really the "secret" to ongoing energy and satisfaction?

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to add to the conversation.

peter vajda

Hi Steve,

Last year I coached a client who is working for a Fortune 50 company in Europe. He felt stuck, always in subtle conflict with how he perceived his boss, always in a seeming tug-and-pull relationship with her...he felt she didn't see him or hear him the way he wanted to be seen and heard, he felt neglected, felt almost like a child in his relationship with her.

Long (coaching story) short, when he began to "work" on himself, on the self-defeating images he carried around, on his beliefs around bosses and "female bosses" (his term), on his inferences, assumptions and expectations about their relationship etc., i.e., his "stories", he began to evolve and grow up as an adult...lose his defensive posture, be more open and willing to accept her as she was and little by little their relationship changed.

One day, after six months of coaching, my client said something to the effect, "Gosh, my boss has really changed." When, in fact, she had not changed one bit. It was he who had changed (his perspective, who he took himself to be, his heretofore limiting beliefs...and he evolved and now relates to her in a wholly different, more poisitive, mutually respectful and open and honest relationship. Long story even shorter, he is now formally coaching her (she asked for it) as a part of his own internal professional development program. They get on quite well.

So, yes, Steve, have the conversation (with no quid pro quo or "stories" or "stories" one is willing to check out to see their truth or falsity)...and be sure to make it a dialogue, not a debate.

Steve Roesler

What a perfect follow-on story, Peter. We've often had the conversation about "doing the work" with one's self before attempting the futile task of shaping others to our liking. As CA nicely put it in his comment, when we change our own lens it's amazing what we can see.

But how many of us enjoy going to the eye doctor and getting those drops in our eyes?!

BTW: I'm glad you used the story that you did. After re-visiting the post, I was a bit concerned that it conveyed "leaving" as THE answer. Your point was the point to be made. If we don't start with ourselves, we're going to keep re-cycling our frustrations and seeing them as caused by others.

Healthy self-management is the source of healthy organizational and career management.

peter vajda

Hi Steve,

You said, "As CA nicely put it in his comment, when we change our own lens it's amazing what we can see."

As Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

And, you said, "...If we don't start with ourselves, we're going to keep re-cycling our frustrations and seeing them as caused by others."

This is one of the main reasons folks keep wandering in and out of meaningless and unfulfilling jobs and/or failed relationships.

When I work with clients who have gone from one job to another, unhappy, or from one failed relationship to another...always blaming, nit-picking, whining, complaining...always something "wrong" about the job or the other person, I always ask them: "What's the one common denominator in all your failed job experiences (or failed relationships)?" It's........YOU! What does that tell you? Hmmm

Steve Roesler

And the work begins, eh, Peter?

Shane

Great insight Steve. It spoils a person to follow a leader they truly believe in. Nothing less is acceptable after that. And if that leader is yourself, all the better.

Steve Roesler

Hi, Shane,

I was really fortunate to have excellent bosses when I started out. In fact, after thinking about your comment, it was really their example and constant encouragement that actually gave me the courage to go out on my own.

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