Change Reactions: Your Emotional Cycle Part II

This article is the twenty-second in a series about Change from Steve Roesler

     Disconnecting from change does not recapture the past. It loses the future."

          Kathleen Norris, poet

Change: How to deal with Denial, Anger, Fatigue

Now that we've looked into the emotional cycle of change and the predictable (and natural) reactions involved, the question becomes:

What do we do about all of this?

(Manager Alert!!: "You are entering the classic "Goals" / "People" zone. Keep head and heart connected).

Here's  what it looks like to be helpful to people--and the organization--while on the downward curve of the cycle:

When the personal/group emotions seem to be in Denial...

• Restate the change goal and the reasons for changing.

• Be positive but not an apologist. What people really need is to see things as they are. Your job is to be clear about reality.

• Don't make excuses, give honest context. Excuses are an excuse in and of themselves--to disavow one's own responsibility in the effort.

When you see Anger and Justice Seeking (let's get 'em!)...

• Listen, then paraphrase for understanding. That is, make sure that you understand what they are really saying and feeling; and let people know that they are, in fact, heard.

• Listen for real. I've gotta emphasize this one. Too many of us are street-smart from too many active listening workshops. Faking empathy is easy. Being believed isn't--unless we are acting in a truthful way.

• Ask people what they want to do to move on. Help people get into an active mode. And help them realize that, while you are there to help, moving on is their responsibility.

When you realize people are Fatigued or even Depressed...

• Prevent "ain't it awful " sessions while acknowledging the validity of how they feel.

• Be quick to tell people when they are doing the right things.

• Discourage rash statements or behavior. Allow that, while it might seem a satisfying exercise, it will hurt them--and their colleagues and family.

• Focus on short-term, focused tasks where people can get a sense of success. And another. And another. Even if a large project is mandatory, take time to break it into chunks. Let's face it: none of us needs one more thing to make us feel overwhelmed if we're already feeling overwhelmed.

• If someone truly exhibits verbal or behavioral tendencies that are abnormal, don't ignore it. Name it, ask what the person is doing about it, and wait to hear a substantive answer. If you don't get one, talk with HR or your employee assistance program rep about what to do next if you don't already know.

Note: In 30+ years of business and business consulting, I've never seen anyone commit a violent or hurtful act during a large-scale change. It does happen. I have,though, often discovered instances of people taking their anger and depression home and causing great turmoil in their families--a cycle which impacts the workplace and the well-being of spouses and children.  Err on the side of safety. When people are confronted with a description of their observed rash behavior, they often drop their head--or smile --and say, "You're right. I'm glad somebody finally said something." Healthy people understand that being confronted with the truth is an act of caring.

So, we all wanted to be managers because, "Hey--I'm a people person!" :-)

There's nothing like a good "change" to challenge our self-perception.

Tomorrow: Managing Change on the Upswing.

Hope to see you there.

 

Comments

[peter vajda]

Thanks for these next pieces Steve...just great stuff!

So, we’re seeing that a change of circumstance of any kind can produce a sense of loss in some way which can lead to some flavor of grief. What concerns me, especially in the workplace, are two things: (1) that some managers will choose to see the emotional cycle of change more as an “intellectual cycle” and deal expect others to deal with the emotions on a cognitive level. These managers often communicate with a subtle or over mantra of “deal with it” or “get over it”, and (2) that dealing with emotions on an intellectual or cognitive basis alone simply means (in Western culture), denying, avoiding, withdrawing from, suppressing or repressing from one’s emotions. The problem here is that when we “bury” emotions, we bury them alive. It’s never a question of “if” but “when” these emotions will return to rear their ugly head.

The intensity with which one experiences grief is based on one’s experience with loss and change. It is not based on the change that is being introduced Monday morning at 9:00, but is one’s past, childhood and adolescent experiences with change that are triggered at the 9:00 Monday morning meeting. This is part of the equation that is almost always overlooked. (In the same way that, at the top of a roller coaster one can scream with fear or scream with excitement, it’s not a question of the particular roller coaster I’m on today, but my past experience with risk, trying on new experiences, stretching myself, etc., experiences that began in childhood and through which I developed a psyche that pointed in the direction of excitement, adventure, curiosity at the sight of the new”, or fear, worry, anxiety, helplessness, at the sight of the new.

All these emotions and reactivity are in our cells, (read Candace Pert’s: Molecules of Emotion, for example), and so our reacting to a new change in the workplace, at Monday morning at 9:00 is not a “one-off”, specific to today. There’s a history here, a biography and a biology that one brings to the experience. So, there is no “dealing with it’ and “getting over it’ that make the experience easy, smooth, and quick. Managers would be well advised to at least know and understand what’s going on “under the hood” of the individual to whom the change is introduced.

Finally, for those who think change is a “no big deal” and others should get over, I know and have experience with the so-called “stronger” types who have been floored by loss or change in their everyday life, have gone through the emotional cycle of change but would be hard pressed to admit of it. For example, the crash of one’s hard drive.

So, are the 5 Stages without value? Not if they are used as originally intended, as The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma. Death need not be involved.
Here’s how they applied the 5 stages to an: The Hrad Drive that Crashed. They booted up and….nothing.
1. DENIAL --- What's the first thing they do? Re-boot, re-boot, reboot. Unplug the cable and re-boot. Check all the plugs and cables. And, re-boot. Again, and again and again. NOthing
2. ANGER --- %$@^##& computer!", "I should have bought that new computer last month!” Curse at it. Maybe hit it. Maybe even through something at it. Maybe even throw it. Threaten it. Ought to smash it to bits.
3. BARGAINING --- now realizing that they’ve lost the PowerPoint presentation, or the document is lost forever, the strategic plan is down a worm hole…"Oh please computer, please start this one time; please!. I promise I'll get you checked out, but a new hard drive, have you tuned up on regular basis and keep you humming.
4. DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, now what!?” I’m lost, helpless, hopeless, drifting, lost. I’ll have nothing for the meeting. I won’t have my part of the team’s project. What in heaven’s name am I going to do. I’ll be fired, ostracized, hated, despised, judged as incompetent! I give up. My job is on the line; and I don't really care any more. What's the use". I’m basically dead.
5. ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. So, I’ll call the data recovery company and see what they can do. I’ll do the best I can today and just see what happens.
Trivial? Not in the least. It happens every time we can’t find a parking space, our wallet, our lost cat or dog, a geographical move.

Significant grief responses which go unresolved, misunderstood, trivialized, made to be seen as irrelevant or insignificant or unimportant, or as irritsting, can lead to mental, physical, and sociological problems at work and foster workplace dysfunction.

So, at work, change is not trivial for folks. And the better understand that the emotional change cycle is real, it’s palpable, it is emotional, not just intellectual, the better we can support others to experience the process for the good of the order.

[Steve Roesler]

Thanks, Peter, for the in-depth look "under the hood", the reading reference, and the oh-so-typical example.

My hope is that this series and the accompanying comments will highlight the reality and power of the emotional side of changes--even positive ones. Change is change and, by definition, something is lost when something is gained (although we often don't view it that way--which is why it can come back to bite us in some way at some point down the road).

Now--having been involved in many major change projects over the years, I would say with certainty that the model is always received as intellectually fascinating. And, most managers nod and go "Uh-huh--that's how I react, too." The breakdown occurs when people start behaving like people and it's easier to manage by "stiff upper lip" than to give people both an ear and a hand.

Wouldn't it be satisfying to make a big dent in this approach as part of our professional practices?