Do You Have the Strength to Ask for Help?

Employee engagement, management engagement, leadership, passion in the workplace. . .

These rallying cries fill books, blogs, and backroom banter. The real issue: "How can we get done what needs to get done and create a sense of "we're in this together" at the same time?

It's actually quite simple:

To Get Something Done, Ask for Help

There is nothing that sparks the human spirit--and thus adds meaning to a task--than the satisfaction of providing help to someone who needs it.

Yet my experience--at least in many western cultures--is that it is somehow viewed as  "weak" to ask for help. After all, if I'm a guy who gets things done, I don't want people to think that I can't get things done.

I know you already see the fallacy in this. Most textbook definitions of management include some version of: "Management--getting things done through others."

Hmm. As a manager that means, by definition, I need your help.

What Actually Happens Vs. The Simplicity of Help

See if this isn't a little closer to the norm:

Manager: "Andrew, our sales goals are up by 8%. You supervise the customer service reps. You need to be able to support that. Make it happen."

Now, that 's not too bad a directive at all in the grand scheme of things. (For those who only respond to warm and fuzzy, it's probably not). It's fairly specific, understandable, and has an action attached. However, we've got an entire generation of management research that everyone has been exposed to through workshops and reading. The essence of that research is that people want to be respected, involved in solutions, and have a sense of meaning in what they do.

So, I suggest:

Manager: Andrew, our sales goals are up by 8%. I need help. (Shut up).

Note to managers: Really, you do need help. You're getting paid to make the 8% happen--through other people.

Andrew: How can I help?

Honestly, if the manager & Andrew have a decent relationship, "helping" is about as meaningful as life can get at that moment.

Manager: You supervise the customer service reps. We need to be able to support that 8% bump. How would you go about doing that with your people?

• Statement one: Places next level of responsibility where it belongs.

• Statement two: Specifies the  issue.

• Statement  three:  Involvement and  more meaning.

    (In the event that Andrew struggles a bit, this is the "teachable moment" for management coaching).

What will you do?

What someone does for a living is part of the working agreement. How they do it is why they--as individuals--were (hopefully) hired in the first place. When you allow someone to exercise the personal how, you have created the intersection of individual meaning and engagement .

Are you strong enough to ask for help today?

Special thanks to Adrian at Slow Leadership for sparking today's thoughts.

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Comments

[Dean Fuhrman]

Steve -

This reminds me of a situation I was in several years ago. I had gotten some ideas from a seminar I had gone to and my partner and I decided we would try to roll out some things to our entire work group (about 6 people at the time). The main thing we did was to seek clarity on (1) the projects we had come into our world to make sure we were headed in the right direction and (2) then on the specifics as needed when stuff came up. There were a few other things that we did but this was probably about 75% to 90% of our effort. And we stuck with it. Two things happened: first, our productivity shot through the roof and second everyone from top to bottom became fully engaged at a level I had never seen before.

Essentially what we did was figure out a way to collaborate on projects large and small, uncork where we were getting hung up, and place the responsibility on getting to a high level of clarity on everyone. It worked amazingly well. Mostly we just talked through things until they became clear enough to take action. When we acted it was generally very focused.

Dean

[Nick McCormick]

Thanks for the post Steve. Asking can be so much more powerful than telling - unleashing creativity and fostering a sense of ownership. I know I can benefit from doing more of it.

[Steve Roesler]

Dean,

Isn't it amazing how sitting down and talking--just like in real life--removes a multitude of sins and allows people to get torqued up?

It would be a treat to see your story and others like it dominating books, web articles, and magazines. It shows that complete involvement and engagement actually happens--and how.

Thanks for taking the time to relate it to the rest of us.

[Steve Roesler]

Nick,

It's good to "see" you; how's the book going?

When it comes to asking, I'll be the first to confess that it's easier to know what to do than to do it. When I'm in the midst of managing something and looking at a deadline, my first inclination is to want to "drive" things rather than ask for help. That's really where the background for the post came from.

The human condition is a fascinating thing. . .

[Karin H.]

Hi Steve

This reminds me of all the times as a young girl my push-bike needed repairing. We were taught to do this ourselves, but most times I wasn't strong enough to lift the flat tier from the frame. What I used to do then was put the bike on its head in the back garden, tools all around it, bucket of water ready etc. All this around the time my Dad would come home.
First he would give me some more instructions and seeing me fail he would take over the proceedings ;-) He was happy to give me a hand and I - of course - was happy I had my bike in workable state again.
Its' one way of asking for help, or is that too manipulative?

It did taught me though that if you want something done, but are struggling to get the correct result it works to ask for help and bring it mutual to the best result.

Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

[Steve Roesler]

Karin,

Ah, your example falls into a special category: "Things that fathers do for their daughters no matter what the circumstances":-) As the father of a daughter, I recognize the scenario. And whether you were being clever or not, it doesn't make any difference: we dads live to do things for our daughters.

But you've actually made the point in another way: When one sees another in need of help, the inclination is to help and to get someone back up on her bicycle again.

Wow. For someone who Keeps It Simple, that sure was a complicated way to get your dad's attention!

Ah, what we won't do to avoid just asking. . .

[Karin H.]

"Wow. For someone who Keeps It Simple, that sure was a complicated way to get your dad's attention!"

LOL Steve. My Dad believed - fortunately - in teaching his children to be self-reliant. Plain-out asking him to fix my bike would have caused raised eyebrows and a whole 'speech'
So, I thought my 'solution' was the simplest way ;-) - and since we lived in The Netherlands where almost everything is done by bike it was an essential item in our daily life: I needed it fixed the same day it broke down.

As for helping out when you see someone's need - essential in personal and business life IMHO.

Karin H.

[Steve Roesler]

Karin,

I think your dad and I are much alike. I still recall holding my daughter for the first time and my initial thought was, "Oh--it's my job to help this little girl grow up so she can leave successfully."

She did. And she's coming home tonight to do her laundry:-)

[Lisa Gates]

Steve (and hi Karin!),
I think that placing this business conversation in the context of how we best learn as children is absolutely prescriptive.

My own mother was very precise and specific with her directions (read: controlling), allowing little room for self discovery and open-ended learning.

"Honey, if you're going out the door right now, you're going to need to grab the doorknob and turn right, then pull back, open the door and walk through. Now, sometimes, dear, you'll need to turn the knob to the left. And, oh, one other thing...some doors have to be pushed, not pulled."

Sigh.

This scenario is how many of us were raised and educated in school as well, so it's no wonder we arrive at our workplaces with confused capacities. Coming to coaching later in life it's a blessing to see the deepening practice of open-ended, inquiry-based learning approaches and how that provides a space of permission, grace, power, alacrity, and ultimately accomplishment.

We ARE waking up, and so are our workplaces. Lovely.

[Steve Roesler]

Hmm, Lisa, your mom attended the same hidden-deep-in-the-forest "Guerilla Mom" school that apparently was quite popular.

But look, it was for your own good. Really:-)

Please allow me to share a day-old interaction that will link back to your observation.

Yesterday I was approached at the gym by a business guy who had just attended a leadership conference where I had spoken. He brought along his teen-aged son, figuring it would be good for him to think some meaningful thoughts. I was aware of some young people in the crowd (350) and used school and sports-related stories. But really, most of it had to do with issues of organizational leadership and character.

So the guy tells me, honestly, that midway through the event he apologized to his son for bringing him. His son was incredulous and said, "Dad, this is the kind of stuff we know we should be hearing but (teachers, coaches) treat us like kids. I'm staying for the whole thing."

Obviously I felt good, but that wasn't the point. What I learned (or hopefully re-learned) was in great part the point you are making: people of all ages and ilks want a chance to become bigger through growth, not be being put in their place until someone decides they are grown (that, by the way, was the foundation of my speech and workshop).

I don't deny that I want to make as many decisions as possible knowing that my facts are straight. So I want to have a grasp of the facts. But if no one is ever taught what to do with them and how to do it, we have a world of walking databases.

Thanks, Lisa. . .now I have to click "Publish" so I can continue my rant in the privacy of my own surroundings.

See you soon. . .

[peter vajda]

Hmmm...discernment....

some interesting commenters'responses vis-a-vis knowing when to help, when not to...for me...it's all about discernment...even more intesting is the belief system and mind-set around "helping" and "asking for help" we inculcate as children and then (mostly,unconsciously)bring to adulthood, as Lisa suggests.

Some thoughts:

There's the story about a man who found a butterfly inside a cocoon. One day a small opening appeared. The man (manager, supervisor, leader, coach, colleague...hmmm)sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared stuck.

The man (manager, supervisor, leader, coach, colleague...) decided to help the butterfly and with a pair of scissors he cut open the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shrivelled wings. The man watched the butterfly expecting it to take on its correct proportions. But nothing changed.

The butterfly stayed the same. It was never able to fly, eventaully dying. In his kindness and haste the man did not realize that the butterfly's struggle to get through the small opening of the cocoon is nature’s way of forcing fluid
from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready
for flight.

Lesson learned: In life, first as children, then as adolescents and then even as adults, in business, training, parenting, and etc., we all need the frustration of struggling to build our strengths.

Discernment.

Pema Chodrun, a Buddhist nun, speaks of "idiot compassion" - the tendency to land a hand when we see our colleagues (or others) struggling, or experencing difficulties...offering advice, giving directions, teaching, telling, training, under the guise of "managing", "leading", "helping", etc.

Discernment....when helping others is approipriate, when it isn't.

Sometimes helping others means, "not helping" - not offering advice, not suggesting, even not "answering" questions. Allowing others to "strive". Discernment...knowing when...and when not to, not to either (1)offer help or (2) reply to a "call for help."

Pema Chodrun refers to the ego-driven and selfish effort to "help" that is based on not the other's experience but more on our own discomfort with another's state, condition or experience that eventually (physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, mentally, etc., ...) can create more of a mess (both immediately and later in life) rather than provide a ral solution. Discernment

One's attempts to be "helpful" for one's own ego gratification, or out of discomfort or stress at seeing another struggle, is counter productive to one's own and the other's emotional, psychological and spiritual growth and maturation. (child and adult).

Idiot compassion also leads one one to become a helicopter boss, manager or leader, (we know, parent)...attempting to "take care of" others' mistakes, cover up, cajole, avoid candor, honesty and the truth...all due to the fact that one is feeling unbcomfortable and uneasy with another's existing experience and chooses to "help" another by avoiding the experience.

Discernment means watching, listening, observing, and learning about "what's really true here" before directing, and doing. It means asking one's self, "What's really, really, really needed here?"...from that distant, unattached place of the heart, (rather than diving into the logical, ego-driven, self-centered place of the mind) and discerning, rather than deciding, and rushing in to the rescue.

The bottom line of discernment, of really helping, is to be highly suspicious of one's need to help...asking "Why do I want/need/choose to help....really, really, really why?"

Perhaps, taking a deep breathe, being patient and allowing, and watching the butterfly emerge, experiencing the struggle, with empathy, is what's needed. That's true and real compassion. Discernment.

[Lisa Gates]

Steve, you are aware that you're writing another post, yes? You have to get this one out of the box. This is what the whole world is yearning to year, to have permission to fail, get up, succeed, fail again, push at the edges. And we watch, and extend our open hand, with discernment, like a net underneath a trapeze artist. We're there when they need/request us, but we're always there.

[Galba Bright of Tune up your EQ]

Hello Steve:
Our parents, guardians and care-givers did the best they could in raising us. It's our individual responsibility to know and understand our own story (joys,warts and all). With this insight we can make the most of that part of what we were taught that remains helpful/functional and learn new more effective ways of being.

We are quite capable of being very different from the formative influences that we were exposed. Every day we are changing. We can write a new chapter in our story.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

The butterfly story is a wonderful illustration and starting point to branch off into a number of object lessons, if you will.

You've laid out the various components of these situations in a way that does not need expansion for fear of diluting those points. So let me see if I can synthesize in order to, perhaps, move the conversation into another post:

1. One must learn to ask the question, "When is help helpful?"

2. One must learn to act based on the truth of another's situation vs. the needs of our own.

3. One must develop the discernment required to do #2.

I believe, Peter, that this is a series of themes that probably deserves further attention.

What do you think?

[Steve Roesler]

Lisa,

This has the potential to take us into many different, but related, areas of helping, developing, and management. I think you are right.

If you have a chance, would you take a moment to elaborate a bit on the main way this is hitting you? I'd find that helpful.

With thanks. . .

[Steve Roesler]

Well, Galba, you sure won't get an argument from me on that one. The school of thought that has people going back in time for the purpose of "identifying" how their caretakers somehow "victimized" them is about the least helpful and most destructive process imaginable. In part because it causes one to remain a victim rather than a participant in life who is sitting here today, very much alive, with the hope of the future awaiting some responsible action.

That said, there seems to be something actually endearing when you hear people telling funny stores--not malicious ones--about how their parents and caretakers went about doing things. Truth be told, we all probably learn a lot about what to emulate and what to do a bit differently if we're smart. And that's worth a whole lot.

Note: before someone decides to take me to task for not acknowledging that there are young people who have been treated in sometimes-unthinkable ways, yes--I am well aware of that and have worked in different ways with some of those youngsters.

In those difficult cases it is probably even easier to want to offer one's own version of help.

Yet what is really required?

Listening and acknowledging their situation and hurt;

being there to provide strength and human friendship;

and offering examples of a hopeful future rather than giving any power to the past.

I would point out Peter's caution here, but in this way:

1. When, for our own reasons and needs, we "help" by treating someone as a victim, we feel "bigger" only because we've forced the other person to remain "smaller."

2. When we listen for the truth and discern where that person "is" at the moment, we can choose to meet that person where (s)he is and walk forward together. An empathetic conversation can certainly acknowledge the hurts of the past. But the helper's strong, compassionate hand keeps their heads up and eyes looking into the future.

In this scenario, two people become "bigger".

[Karin H.]

Hi Steve (hi Lisa! ;-))

"In this scenario, two people become "bigger"."

Two-way traffic I've learned to call that. Great conversations and ideas here, made me think, ponder and learn.

Karin H.

[Steve Roesler]

Karin, I'm wondering if this isn't one of those conversations that would take off via chat or twitter? It has somewhat of a different feel than others.

[Richard Calderwood]

Hi Steve.

I love popping into your blogs - because (whilst maybe we are on much the same wavelength) you put things into a slightly different terminology, which gets me thinking. This post on 'asking for help' is so true, and something I've had to resort to over the last year - simply to get things done. I love being able to do everything, but sometimes the pure physical constraints on that most valuable of resources - time - means one needs to ask for help, or it's never going to happen. I needed things to happen, so I had no alternative but to ask for help.

But perhaps what I'm actually wanting to add here is that the amazing discovery for me was that people (in the main) 'just love being asked' to help. Nine times out of ten they are delighted to do so.

Logical really - I love helping others (as do you), so why should others be any different to me.

It's a realisation that's been a long time coming - but wow, has it changed my perspective!

[Karin H.]

Hi Steve

Chat or twitter? Hmm, not sure about that. A) I don't have any experience with twitter - only heard it is addictive, well one internet addiction - blogging - is enough for me ;-)
B) you blog is the kind of place where none is afraid to speak their minds - which entices others to think, ponder and converse too.
IMHO a better, more relaxed and 'stimulating' place to 'hang-out' and learn from/with others than quick twitterting chats.

Karin H.

[Steve Roesler]

Hi there, Richard,

Thanks for taking time to visit and comment.

The "logic" in this is just fascinating, eh?

1. We have something we want to get done

2. People enjoy helping

So,

a. Do I work harder myself?

b. Do I ask someone for help? (thus getting us both what we need)

Duh.

Yet we still tend to avoid reaching out as a first choice, self included. (Gosh, I hope you didn't think I wrote about this because I'm good at it :-)

Maybe we should sponsor an "Ask one person for help" day. . .and see what happens.

Hmm. Do we need to do that before--or after--Tax Freedom Day??!

Cheers!

[Amy]

I tried it.

I tried it, unfortunately, without having a game plan for what to do when help is not offered.

I said "I need help." I closed my mouth. The response: "Do I need to take notes?"

Er...

I said no, I just wanted to talk to her. But then the moment had passed. I couldn't just shut up again, because her opportunity to say "how can I help?" was gone. So I plowed ahead. I answered the question she had not asked.

It did not turn out well. I needed a game plan for the unexpected response.

Great learning experience!! :)

[Steve Roesler]

Amy, you get the "Kudos for a totally honest story" award (I wish I had some discount coupons or something to give away. You caught me off guard so I'm unable to help:-)

Huge thanks for relating your experience. . .my hunch is that we'll hear from others along the way.

[Wally Bock]

Great post, Steve. Embedded in it is the advice to shut up. Shutting up is one of the most powerful tools leaders have and one we tend to ignore. Your suggestion to ask for help and then shut up is excellent. Here are three more opportunities to say nothing and thereby contribute to the greater good.

When you tell a team member what they did that needs correcting and why it matters, get the job done and shut up. Let them determine what response they want to make.

When a team member brings you a great idea that they're excited about thank them and shut up. They're more likely to implement that idea if they're excited about it and they won't be as excited if you start tinkering with it.

When someone brings you criticism of your performance, thank them and shut up. Defending yourself will only get them to quit coming.

[Steve Roesler]

Wally,

This is turning into one of the most practical discussions to date.

Your additional suggestions ring very, very true. I'd like to include them in a follow-up post. . .

With thanks. . .

[Richard Calderwood]

Hi Steve

What a passionate subject this has become - full of alternative directions and experiences - but all hinging on a core pattern of human behaviour.

I really like your idea about an 'ask a person for help' day. An awesome idea in fact, just bursting with potential. I will drop you an email after some more thought on this and perhaps we can take this further still?

Re your next post - you've listed me as 'Peter' rather than 'Richard', but honoured at the mention anyway!

Richard Calderwood