When Is Help Helpful?

When I asked, "Do You Have The Strength to Ask For Help?", I had no idea that the discussion would bring forth such meaningful and insightful responses. It also stirred up memories of situations of people being talked at when what they really wanted was to be asked and heard.

Check out the full range of comments from pros such as Lisa Gates, Karin at KISS2, Lead Well and Prosper author Nick McCormick, long-time leader and executive Dean Fuhrman, trusted business advisor Richard Calderwood, EQ expert Galba Bright, and Dr. Peter Vajda: coach, consultant, and seeker of truth.

Help! They're Trying To Help Me

Have you ever been the recipient of "help" and wondered what the heck was going on?

(Sure, that's a cheap, cheesy, rhetorical question, but I've got to make the segue somehow).

If you are going to be a helper, then you've got to do some work on your own discernment at two levels:

1. Your ability to discern the origin of your own intentions

2. Your ability to discern what kind of help is actually helpful

Is It About You Or Them?

Most of us want to be helpful when we think we see someone in need. A problem arises when our own urge to help is the driving force for our action.

Whose real need is about to be satisfied?

• Managers get themselves into difficulty when they start "showing and telling" at a point when an employee really needs to talk through a situation. (Or vice-versa).

• Those of us who are parents can think back on times when "we wanted what was best for our children". So we did something or bought something for them.  Unfortunately, at a specific moment in time, what we wanted was to avoid seeing our kids struggle through a necessary lesson that could only be learned via a tough experience. Understandably, we wanted to circumvent pain for everyone concerned. Unfortunately, it only postpones the pain--which may cause it to be greater as a result of re-trying and re-learning.

(Secret bonus for men and husbands only):

• Your wife/girl friend/significant other/female co-worker does not necessarily want you to "do" something or "solve" something. She wants you to listen and understand her.

           Exceptions to the rule:

                a. Putting out the trash
                b. Sawing firewood (unless your wife is from Montana)
                c. Buying jewelry at any time of the day or night, even on the Home Shopping Network

How do I know this? Let me count the undiscerning ways. . .

(End of secret guy paragraph)

Discern Before Acting

If you define helping as "facilitating another's growth", it may make it easier to filter your ultimate action--or non-action--through a more discerning lens.

Peter related a tale in one of his comments that says it all. So I won't. Here it is:

There's the story about a man who found a butterfly inside a cocoon. One day a small opening appeared. The man (manager, supervisor, leader, coach, colleague...hmmm) sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared stuck.

The man (manager, supervisor, leader, coach, colleague...) decided to help the butterfly and with a pair of scissors he cut open the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man watched the butterfly, expecting it to take on its correct proportions. But nothing changed.

The butterfly stayed the same. It was never able to fly, eventually dying. In his kindness and haste the man did not realize that the butterfly's struggle to get through the small opening of the cocoon is nature’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready
for flight.

Lesson learned: In life, first as children, then as adolescents and then even as adults, in business, training, parenting, and etc., we all need the frustration of struggling to build our strengths.

A final note: When you realize that you need to allow a struggle to take place, understand that help means "being there" to support your colleague, friend, or direct report. Being left to struggle without another's support is like being allowed to sky dive without a parachute.

Here's hoping that this week finds you being the parachute. . .

A word of thanks to Mark Shead at Productivity 501 for including our suggestions in his Distraction Free Internet piece.

Graphic source: www.youngwriterssociety.com/ 

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Comments

[Jo]

I find it interesting that we tend to like/be good at some forms of listening and not others. I often misinterpret requests for help as a request for me to do a task - and get up and do whatever is asked of me. For a while, I assumed I was overly task oriented. But I am quite good at listening to angry people, and teach other people the art of listening to anger quite easily. So it is not that simple.

My failing is simply that if someone wants to talk through a problem, but present their need as a request, I take them literally. If only I would sit back and count to ten, I would save myself a lot of work!

[Dean Fuhrman]

Asking for help and giving help seem like it should be such an easy thing to do. But it is not always so simple and direct. I remembered saving this story which could play on both sides of that equation. It is instructive that we all most likely need to work on asking for and giving help. I picked this up off a website back in May 2005 from Dick Richards.

"A weekend leadership seminar in Northern Ireland. The dozen or so participants are owners of small to medium sized companies, senior managers from a major corporation, and assorted others including a Catholic nun. The seminar is part of a business school’s Master of Science in Leadership program. The man who directs the program noticed that his students often failed to ask directly for what they want—-not good if you desire to lead. He asked me (I am leading the seminar) to address the issue.

We sit in a circle and discuss the difficulty of asking for what you want, the whys and hows of doing so, and then I suggest that we practice. The first few people to speak ask for what you would expect.

“I want new accounts for the business.”

“I want more energy from my people.”

It is the nun’s turn. She says, “I want someone to give me a house.”

The group is stunned by the direct, specific request. It seems very improbable: who gives houses away? It also seems audacious and absurd!

The man sitting next to her asks why she wants a house. She explains that she wants to set up a shelter for mothers and children who need a temporary place to live.

He tells her, “I have several houses that I need to get rid of. You can have one; two if you want them.”

His company purchased a property on which he intends to build a plant. There was a row of abandoned houses along the edge of the property. He is renovating and selling them. He is offering to give her one or two newly renovated houses.

For the second time in just a few minutes, the group is stunned. The exchange between the man and the nun is a dramatic demonstration of what we talked about during our discussion: that you have a much better chance of getting what you want if you ask for it, and if you ask in a direct and specific way. Also that doing so is an indicator of strength rather than weakness: the others recognize her request as an act of courage.

So let’s practice. I’ll go first.

I want at least a million people, including you, to read my next book within the first year of publication. (The book, Is Your Genius At Work?, will be released this coming November)

Your turn. Use the comment link below, and remember: direct and specific."
— Dick Richards

[Steve Roesler]

Jo,

It looks as if you described the entire scenario until arriving where you need to be.

So: 1, 2, 3, 4, . . .:-)

[Steve Roesler]

Dean, that's a wonderful example of the impact of directness. Dick Richards has always been a favorite of mine as well.

What's so poignant for me is the simplicity behind such communication: noun-verb-object. The truth comes in sentences, not paragraphs. It's the power of truthful requests and truthful responses that elevates the ability to receive and give help.

With thanks, Dean.

[Galba Bright of Tune up your EQ]

As I read the unfolding drama of Dean's re-telling of the story, I found myself nodding my head and thinking that this is a story of courage. It takes courage to 1) become clear about what one wants/needs 2) ask for it. The latter exposes the person to rejection, ridicule and/or being ignored. Perhaps the nun's deep conviction in the power of her cause drove her to "go for it." There is s powerful lesson in this story.

My vision is that people will accept that EQ is well within their grasp (it doesn't have to be complicated, mystical and abstract) and will help people to achieve a better quality of life. To that end, I am selling my EQ products and services throughout the world, as well as continuing to make free EQ info available. I'm happy to consider help from anyone who is enthused by that vision and would like to help me publicise and promote this idea via traditional and non-traditional media and other promotional methods. I'm also open to suggestions about how I can help people improve their EQ.

[Steve Roesler]

OK, Galba, here goes:

You heard Galba's request for help with the vision, the publicity, and ideas for improvement. I invite you to respond here or click on Galba's name under his comment and go right to the source!

[Dean Fuhrman]

Galba - Excellent summary of the story: clarity and courage.

[Lisa Gates]

I think there's a really, really simple, and delicious spot for learning (and relearning). When you listen to someone and you hear the yearning, the undercurrent, the frustrations and the values, but the request never comes, sometimes we use that as the opportunity to save the day and give them an earful of resplendent wisdom. But what if instead we (count to ten) and say, "Is there a specific request in there somewhere?" or "What is the most powerful request you can make right now?"

One of the acronyms in my training was "WAIT" -- Why Am I Talking? Doncha love that?

[Steve Roesler]

Ya know, I do love that, Lisa.

"The world abhors a vacuum"--and silence seems to be the interpersonal element to which that applies.

Your "WAIT" thing works for me. I confess, I have post-it notes next to my telephone with reminders about things like that. I'm going to create one in the morning: "Lisa says WAIT".

What is bowling me over right now is the energy around the topic of helping, being helped, and what that really looks like. When I wrote the first article it was purely something that was in the heart, so I wrote it. But I expected folks do wince and think, "What does that have to do with me and my work?"

People of good will really do work hard at finding ways to be more effective, be better co-workers, friends, managers. . .it's a very hopeful phenomenon to be a part of.

See ya soon!

[Jim Stroup]

Steve,

This is a great topic, with a lot to think about. It seems to me though that if we become too inwardly focused about it, obsessed with what it says about us, it will wind up saying things that are not particularly flattering.

I think the best way to avoid that sort of self-absorption is to focus on the work, and ask what one's request for or offer of help would do to advance it. Perspective is important, too. Peter's story points to this: we sometimes want to be wanted, to be viewed as the heroic helper everyone hopes will arrive just in time to save them. But instead we just overwhelm ourselves and cripple their self-development. That's a lesson that needs to be learned from both sides - when we feel prompted to offer - or to ask for - help.

So, it's a tough one for both the manager and the managed. It's a "depends on the terrain and situation" type of issue, but the ability to evaluate it is made much more productive by considering it both generally and specifically, as this post and comment dialog offers.

Thanks - Steve and everyone - for the help!

[Karin H.]

Ahem Steve

"(Secret bonus for men and husbands only)"

Rather stereo-typing I fear. It could have been me you're talking about - just ask my co-trainer on the blog-workshop: I always 'do' and/or 'solve' something for our (male or female) students instead of listening to the 'problem' and giving them the opportunity to learn themselves.
And not just with the blog-workshop - I do have that tendency in 'home-situations' too ;-)

Not sure if it's because I like to 'show-off' (by lack of any other word/term) or just because I 'see' how the situation/problem could be resolved simple, quickly so things get done instead of endlessly discussed. My mistake ;-)

Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

[Steve Roesler]

Karin,

Next year when I need a little more firewood. . .

[Karin H.]

LOL, jigsaw is at the ready already (now it is very handy when the 'hubby' has a whole van filled with tools for wooden flooring ;-))

Karin H

[Phyllis Roteman]

As always Steve, your topic is right on and you address it with an awesome sense of humor. You bring to mind how difficult the concept of "helping" really is. Here's an example.

My son recently learned the word "help". We've taught him to say "help" when he needs us...when he can't open a door or when he climbs into a big cardboard box but can't get out.

I think he's gotten a little confused about the meaning of "helping", however. Now, when we're eating at the dining room table, he points at our food and says "help?" In other words, he wants to help us finish our food. The kind of help we don't need, of course! : )

[Steve Roesler]

Wonderful, Karin.

Would you use the jigsaw to create objets d' art from the trees that you cut down with the power saw?

Power saw cheerfully supplied by owner.

[Steve Roesler]

Good to see you, Phyllis. I've been tracking your posts and have been somewhat lax with my own comment as a result of being out working at what we're talking about. I wonder if one's focus on these things changes as a result of becoming independently wealthy and sipping Mimosas at the spa?

Kids are great. Your son's story is a perfect example of the issue and isn't limited to age factor. It's a maturity thing that can rear it's head at work when someone doesn't have a complete understanding or sense of context about a task or project. Or, the discernment that results from a mature view of the world.

Your son, fortunately, has you and your husband (who will apparently be losing weight until the little guy gets this thing down pat). In the meantime, workers rely on their supervisors for guidance in issues of help and helping. When managers struggle with their own discernment and skill, there is more that turns out to be lean than the manufacturing.

With thanks. . .

[Karin H.]

I see a whole new hobby coming on ;-) Power saws, no, don't think I will come near those things in fact.

But talking of tools - and my Dad again - we 'helped' each other when later I 'owned' a kind of scooter to make the thing work. We spend hours, during a school holiday, in the workshop of the school he was assistant teacher in his later years.

As for helping others or asking help/accepting help: someone once told me the question we mostly not seem to ask is a simple: "How can I help?" leaving the decision to accept and the way someone wants to be helped by the 'student'. A interesting idea we should embrace more often.

Karin H.

[Steve Roesler]

Karin,

One of my hopes is this: that my daughter speaks of me as fondly as you speak of your father.