Talent: Accurate Self-Awareness or Karaoke Feedback?

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Your success depends a lot on:

1. How accurately you see yourself

2. How honestly you allow others to experience you

You get a lot of information about "How you're doing" from those around you, so it makes sense to give them the real deal in order to get an accurate read.

When it comes to finding out how people experience your talents, just ask them. But:

Shun Karaoke Feedback

Ask a wide range of people, not just those who will give you Karaoke feedback. You know, the kind you get after you've had three beers, sing Billie Jean while sort-of Moonwalking, and the 10-beer audience cheers you on.

This works for managers and HR types who are hiring, assessing, and promoting as well. If you aren't already doing this, be sure to go outside the direct report/immediate colleague relationships. Find out how things are working across project teams, with customers, and in any setting where decisions have to be made.

For business purposes, the decision arena surfaces risk/reward thinking, sharing information, working through conflict, and timeliness and follow through. If you want to find out more about yourself or others, discuss decision process and examples: it's where I've always found the most revealing information, pro and con.

And remember: Feedback is more indicative of the person giving it to you than of you yourself. It tells you what's important to them, reflects underlying values and expectations, and reveals 'how you measure  up' in their eyes. When you're trying to get a feel for your talents and how the "audience" is reacting:

1. Understand that you are hearing about you in relation to their expectations (expressed or otherwise).

2. If you hold the same standards--and lots of people are telling you the same thing--it would be a good idea to take heed.

3. Who you are and your inherent worth bear no relationship to what anyone says.

4. Whether or not you are actually talented at something just may. Or, you may have a talent that isn't valued where you are right now but will give you star status someplace else.

Where do you find the most useful and accurate information about yourself and others?

Starting a conference call regarding an assessment; back later with more.

Comments

[Wally Bock]

For the feedback you're describing to work there must be a culture of candor and there must be some ritual to make it work. An example from my boyhood follows.

My father was Lutheran pastor. Every Sunday, after church, we would sit down to dinner and, after a decent interval, he would ask "How could my sermon have been better?"

At that point my mother would chime in with "I think it was the best sermon your father ever preached." She said that every Sunday. It was her part of the ritual.

We could then offer up any ideas about the sermon to my father. Dad never argued with us. He thanked us. He might say, "that's a good point" or "I didn't think of that." But he never defended what he did and he took notes.

The fact that my mother always led with praise was important. That was support for Dad and whatever he had said.

But it's worth noting that she did not come to his defense when we, sometimes with the malicious glee that only teenagers can muster, criticized his sermon. She knew he wanted to hear the truth and she knew that if she exercised her parental prerogative to tell us we were off base, we would never offer up an honest opinion.

Dad mostly listened. But he always thanked us. And he always took notes. Those were both messages that what we said was important.

When we wound down his final question was always the same: "What did you like?" More notes. Those notes found their way to Dad's study where they joined his own notes made right after the service as he annotated his sermon manuscript.

Reflection on that family ritual suggests some rules about candid and helpful feedback.

This ritual was re-invented and re-evaluated every week. If either of my parents had shut down conversation it would have shut down forever.

There needs to be a supporter nearby who offers a statement of the worth of the individual and the work.

The person receiving critique needs to honestly want to hear it. Everyone will know the truth. So don't ask if you don't want to hear. Sometimes, in business settings, consultants need to carry the news so that subordinates are protected.

The correct response to critique is some form of "thank you." No defense. No explanation.

The feedback got used. We knew that because Dad took notes and we'd often find him in the afternoon transferring his notes to his typescript.

Like so many of the lessons I learned from my parents, it took me a long time to understand the dynamics of this, how much courage it took for my father to ask for feedback when he was still emotionally involved in the sermon and how wise my parents were to never shut down the observations they asked for.

[Steve Roesler]

Wally,

I never thought of it in the context of "ritual," but that's what it is, indeed.

The issue, as you point out, is: Be sure you really want the truth and then create the "ritual" circumstances to get it.

It used to actually bother me that clients would want me to participate in feedback sessions. I always thought that the idea was to build skills and independence, then disappear. But, as your family example clearly illustrates, someone needs to be a safety net given the potential for everything from awkwardness to the impact of hearing something totally honest for the first time.

Your description of how your family helped your dad--and how he acted upon it--is deeply heartwarming and a model worth emulating.

Thanks for offering it up.

[mvellandi]

Your claim on feedback reflecting more info about the giver, is interesting and helps make the solicitation and acceptance seem less intimidating and personal.
Buffett made a similar claim about forecasters and futurists, in that one sees their perception and weighting of change factors in addition to their fears and desires.
In feedback then, it appears that much can be gleaned from the language, nonverbal behavior, tone, prescriptive v. descriptive content, and other little things we can be mindful of for the post-analysis.

[Tom Haskins]

Steve: Your advice to discuss the decision arena is right on the money. When I've coached sales people to become more effective, changing the topic explored with the customer to "how the customer considers options, applies criteria and anticipates consequences" transforms the atmosphere and outcome. Until the change of topic, the feedback from the customer indicated they were feeling pressured, provoked to resist and held in contempt.

[Chris Bailey]

This might just be one of the best blog posts I've read in a while and it was made even more powerful by Wally's interwoven story about his family (and of course the pix of the two hairy gentlemen singers is the icing on the cake). Steve, your talent is an uncanny ability to see the big picture and ask the types of questions that propel your readers and clients to learn. You constantly challenge my own learning, my own assumptions, sometimes my own ego and for that I am appreciative.

Now, when do I get my beer and chance to sing Beat It?

[Steve Roesler]

Mario,

Wow, I've never before been mentioned in the same breath as Warren Buffet--except, perhaps, by my creditors:-)

But yes, the dynamic is, indeed, the same. And it sure is important to remember that what we are hearing is a reflection of all of the same kinds of desires, fears, and apprehensions of the other person offered up in a way that tells us whether or not we are helping or hindering those.

The key: Continuing the conversation to find out if we are in sync with what we're trying to accomplish and whether or not making a change of some sort will be helpful to both.

[Steve Roesler]

Tom, I hadn't thought of the Sales arena but you really nailed it.

Let's face it: sales folks are all about getting decisions made, so the principle is exponentially important to them. Since a good sales process is all about ongoing feedback to determine needs, wants, objections, breakthroughs--hearing what the prospect is really saying makes the difference between success and failure.

Now you've got me thinking about this: What if, when we are working with sales clients, we started using the word "feedback" instead of the usual terminology that sort of promotes an "us" and "them" relationship? I know that you are a consultative guy, so your work would reflect that anyway. Yet I can't help but wonder if this is one of those places where the power of language would help sales people automatically shift their thinking and, as a result, their interactions.

Any ideas?

[Steve Roesler]

Hey, Chris,

That is über-kind of you. Glad the post struck a meaningful chord and yes, Wally's story really deepened the thoughts and offered up a picture that is powerful.

We are working on your all-expense-paid trip to Neverland. Please be sure to give us updates on Twitter.

[Declan]

I wrote a complete comment about this post Steve but unfortunayely it was erased as i tried to view an alternative captcha and the page was refreshed :(

I definitely listen to others if enough people say the same rthing, but the most accurate information about myself must come from the closest people to me as i will be much more compliant to my own inner self rather than acting differently in a much more varied group that will only see me through a limited viewpoint.

[Randy Post]

I agree that it is good to get feedback from others. We may at times not like the feedback we recieve,but as you stated ,if we are getting a lot of feedback pointing to the same thing. We do need to consider it.