What It Takes. . .

We say we want a mentor, a coach, a trusted advisor.

We want to grow and become more effective.

We ask for help. For "feedback."

This is what you need to make it a success:

The patience to listen, the humility to hear, and the courage to act.

Do you have all three?

Comments

[Karin H.]

Hi Steve

Doesn't it start with "The courage to know you need help"? Not just looking for a mentor, coach, advisor to 'keep up with the Joneses' but the courage to become aware of the fact you can only grow your strengths through a mentor etc?
The rest IMHO follows suit - automagically.

Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

[Ed Brenegar]

You are a wise soul, Steve.
I don't know what situation prompted this expression of wisdom, but I hope they are listening to you.
As the ancient oracle advises, "Know Thyself." If we did, then you words would not be admonition, but affirmation.
Now I have something to shoot for today.
Thanks very much

[Steve Roesler]

HI, Karen,

You know, that's a good point. Don't know if it's the courage to know you "need" help but the courage to ask for it.

As for the rest following automatically: for you it does, for many it does not. In fact, without a lot of support, many people become immobilized after hearing something truthful for the first time.

This is why, when offering "feedback," the giver needs to make sure it is being presented out of a genuinely helpful heart and not with the intent of dumping. The fact that the info is truthful is beside the point. The person getting it will become (understandably) defensive if it is perceived as not coming from a spirit of helpfulness.

[Steve Roesler]

Very kind and much appreciated, Ed.

[peter vajda]

Hi, Steve,
You say, "This is why, when offering "feedback," the giver needs to make sure it is being presented out of a genuinely helpful heart and not with the intent of dumping. The fact that the info is truthful is beside the point. The person getting it will become (understandably) defensive if it is perceived as not coming from a spirit of helpfulness."

Couldn't agree more. On top of that, even when coming from a place of "I want to help you", much depends on the psycho-emotional dynamics going on in the person receiving feedback. The way the receiver receives or resists the feedback is a function of, among other elements, the self-images, the self-assumptions and beliefs one has of who one is and how one is, and how comfortable one is in one's own skin. While the feedback itself is just "words", where one is in one's emotional and spiritual maturity will affect the energy, and the perceived surface and hidden meaning (whether it's the 'truth' or not as the receiver perceives it)that one ascribes to the words.

As Shakespeare said, An event (here, feedback and "words") is neither good nor bad; only thinking makes it so. It's good to ask the receiver how s/he feels about and what they're thinking about the feedback. Often one responds with a "public" (what they say aloud) voice that is 180 degrees different from their internal "private" voice )(what they're really thinking). The skilled and compassionate manager can support the receiver to perhaps disclose the content of both voices in the feedback experience.

Asking for help, too, is a function of the same psycho-emotional dynamics. There are lots of folks who are in pain and hurting who cannot bring themselves to ask for help even when they know it's for "their own good." Their learned helplessness (internalized as they were growing up) is one barrier to asking. Fear of looking, or appearing to be, "bad, weak, lacking or deficient" is another.

[Karin H.]

Hi Steve, Peter

Thank you both for this. It reminds me of 'The Ultimate Gift' (not everyones taste I know, but still with a sincere message): true generosity comes in many forms and so perhaps Steve it takes courage to accept the generous unconditional offer of help? Even if it 'hurts' in the beginning?

Peter, being 'condition' to be helplessness sounds as terrible as it is - seen it happen and it takes a lot of effort, patience and perseverance from others to 'heal' that - and again courage, real courage from inside from the helpless person to 'let go'.
It's too easy (even dangerous) to say in these cases: grow up, get a life.

Karin H.

[Steve Roesler]

Very thoughtful, Karin.

Interestingly, for some people, you can say "Grow up and get a life!" For others, something else is needed.

Knowing when to use each requires the wisdom and discernment that comes from a genuine desire to serve vs. a desire to be know as "being right."

Hope your day is a good one today, Karin.

[Karin H.]

Oh it is Steve.

Helped two friends with blogging and other web thingies ;-)

Karin H.

[Richard Calderwood]

Bang on Steve - but not so simple (as you do concede).

Often, those that need help from a mentor or adviser are the last ones to recognise the fact.

The courage required (as Karin suggests) is both in recognising that one might have a weakness, and then in asking for assistance. Courage is facing the ultimate of humiliations, because that's often how such weaknesses are perceived in our ‘success driven’ society.

You’ve highlighted qualities that are rare and valuable in this ‘go getting’ and material age, qualities more of us should strive to demonstrate and share. Keep it up Steve.

[Dan McCarthy]

Steve –

Right! Knowing how to receive feedback is as important as knowing how to give it. We’re generally not very good at either. Here are 18 tips for receiving feedback:
http://greatleadershipbydan.blogspot.com/2008/01/18-tips-for-receiving-feedback.html

[Steve Roesler]

Karin, Richard, and Dan,

As Richard points out, we are in a 'go getting' age; I am out and about, going and getting:-), thus the single comment to all.

Karin, your energy never ceases to amaze.

Richard, you note that 'those that need help from a mentor or adviser are the last ones to recognise the fact.' Indeed. And then, when the need is realised, the next question becomes "Do they really want it?

Dan, mucho thanks for the list. Am going to add it as a reference link.

[Dan McCarthy]

Steve -
you're welcome, and thanks for the reference!