It happens in some way to every one of us:
- You sit in front of an interviewer who asks a question a certain way and suddenly stutter about your own expertise.
- Just as you start your sales presentation, in walks a (pick one or more). . .
a. tall, older man;
b. young, casually dressed dude;
c. serious-looking woman glancing at her watch
d. Insert your own
. . .and you feel intimidated.
- You know what you really want to do with your life but can't bring yourself to do it.
These are the kinds of things that bug all of us from time to time-- and many for a long time. At some point we may even say to ourselves:
I'm Talented and Smart: Why Do I Feel Crazy?
Actually, you're probably pretty normal.
Everyone gets confused about why certain people or situations present a continuing emotional challenge when everything else in life seems to be OK. Finding out the answer to your situation can make life--and work--a lot more understandable, productive, and satisfying.
I didn't know we were going down this path until the comments started rolling in on "Just Relax!" Can Cause Stress. Two regular contributors, SpiritHeart's Dr. Peter Vajda and Wally Bock of Three Star Leadership shared their experiences and expertise.
While each notes the influence of family and parental figures, this is not about parent-bashing or victims and villains. It's about finding out the source of our mixed or misinterpreted messages and then being able to operate with more accuracy in our lives.
1. Peter: The Parent/Adult Influence
We bring our "family" to work: our biography and our biology. When we're self-aware we can sense when we feel like a child--"young," in the face of another person across from us. This other, in some way, often unconsciously, reminds us of the reactive, judgmental, critical parent or other authority ("expert") figure who criticized us when we were young.
It's important to remember, that in every interaction we are on a "parent-child" continuum, feeling as one or the other, depending on the dynamics of the relationship. So,I ask myself, "How old do I feel?" If I feel child-like, small, threatened, inadequate, “stupid, “bad” or “wrong,” I know I'm giving my power. . .my vitality. . . over to someone else to control, someone on whom I have projected a quality of a mother or father or primary caregiver.
Many of us in childhood were often met with resistance from adults when we tried to express how we thought or felt about something. This reactivity may have taken the form of:
"You think you're so smart!" (with a negative edge)
"Little boys/girls should be seen and not heard"
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard"
"What do you know?" (with a negative dismissal)
"Not now, I'm busy (i.e., what you have to say isn't important)
"Who told you that?!" (skepticism)
"I don't believe you."
"God will punish you for saying/thinking that"
"That's not a nice/good/ thing to say."
"That's not true; you're stupid"
"What a crazy idea!"
"You don't make any sense"
"You think you’re so smart!(sarcastically)
"You're crazy!"
"For someone so smart, you're really stupid!"
Peter notes that in the "Just Relax" scenario, the employee sees the boss as a parent figure telling him/her how to be. So, feeling like a child, one naturally becomes reactive and resistant.
2. Wally: Honest Misunderstanding And a Practical Way to Sort It Out
Parental messages sometimes aren't so clear and explicit. In the early part of my adult life I noticed that I could get very close to a business goal and then not want to push on and complete what I thought I wanted. After some analysis, it was clear that what was happening only occurred with business goals, not personal goals, not goals in other parts of life.
A wise counselor suggested that I write down all the things I remembered hearing as a youth about business people. I made a list over several days, then we looked at the list together.
Every single comment I could remember my father making about business people included a comment about some ethical or moral failing. No one every said, "Business people are immoral" or "I don't want you to go into business" or anything similar. It was all in the phrasing and side comments that I didn't even remember until I went looking for them.
Being able to recognize the issue made it possible to deal with it. But the fascinating thing to me is that I'm sure that if you asked my father about how he felt about business people he would have said that he liked them just fine and, in fact, had many friends among them. I don't think he recognized the prejudice either.
3. Peter: Simply Go To the Source
For me, and many of those with whom I work and support, the real gift is the opportunity and challenge to sit down with our parents, or primary caregivers, over time, and compassionately ask: " What was it like growing up for you?" around work, money, health, fun, appearance, learning, having children (me), your relationship with one another (can be asked separately, first mother, then father, in different settings)...
This huge, wonderful and often painful opportunity will allow one to uncover many of the indoctrinating beliefs, preconceptions, assumptions, and misperceptions about the world and the people in it, we (their children) took on and which became the lenses with which we observe the world, never knowing, until now, these often self-destructive and self-sabotaging views and values are not "us" but "our parents" — that we can unfreeze and unload our self-defeating stories, and work towards true change and transformation. . .
What to Take Away
Managers and employees alike have the ability to trigger misunderstandings and mis-perceptions without even knowing it. One of the keys to being an effective adult is to understand what that really means and then behaving accordingly. When you hear people lamenting the fact that they aren't being treated as adults, maybe they aren't. If you are on the giving end, listen to your language and your admonitions--are they yours and do you understand what you are really saying?
When you find yourself in a "Groundhog Day" existence, it's a signal to check some beliefs about yourself and others--and where they really are yours.
Note. You may enjoy learning from the articles leading up to this one:
Making Changes? Pay Attention to High Achievers, followed by "Just Relax!" Can Cause Stress.
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