Communicating on the Right Wavelength

"The two words 'information' and 'communication' are often used interchangeably, but they signify quite different things. Information is giving out; communication is getting through."--Sydney J. Harris

Communication: Don't Mix and Match Your Verbal Wardrobe

I want to offer an easy, uncluttered model to use when you want to bump up your communication game.

Think about your levels of interaction on a scale of Nicety all the way to Intimacy. One of the keys to keeping your interactions on target is making sure that you "meet people where they are" and not try to take them where you want to go before they are ready. (They may never be ready).

Here's a way to look at it on five levels of increasing depth:

1. Niceties. "Hey, how are you?"

"Fine,how are you?"

"Ok."

Polite acknowledgment of another person is part of social graciousness. If you or the other person doesn't want to take it any further, that's fine. Just don't mistake it for anything other than what it is.  But don't discount the social importance of niceties, either. It' s amazing how many people get miffed when they offer a "Hey, waddup?" and don't get a response.

2. Facts. If the other person is into facts, stay with the facts until (s)he moves on. If that's where they stay, just ask if there is anything that you should do with those facts.

3. Thoughts and Ideas. These are different from facts. They reflect what's going on inside someone's head. This is also where we get into difficulty by passing judgment on someone in the middle of their personal brainstorm. Stay in non-evaluative brainstorm mode with them.

4. Feelings. When people start expressing how they feel, you've hit a pretty high level on their personal trust scale. The best way to keep it is to acknowledge the legitimacy of how they feel. The best way to lose it is to tell them they shouldn't feel that way.

5. Intimacy. Familiarity that reaches a deeply personal level.

In the workplace you may not reach this level inside the confines of the office building. In fact, it may be totally inappropriate. But highly relational people can have a tendency to unconsciously go here because it's so innately comfortable and meaningful (for them).

I can't tell you the number of coaching/advising engagements I've had with people who have gotten themselves into difficulty at this level. They've said things that were taken as "way too intimate" by others. Fortunately, most well-meaning people "get it" when they are coached regarding the distinctions in levels and how other people may interpret personal warmth or familiarity.

If you want to keep your emloyer--and yourself--out of litigation, save your intimacy-level conversations for home and friends.

How to Use This?

The next time you're engaged in a discussion, pay attention to where the other person is operating on the "depth" chart.

1. Listen and stay with them.

2. If you want to move from one level to another, say something like: "We've been talking about the factual data related to the Romanian project. Would you be willing to hear some thoughts and ideas I have about this?"

They'll tell you if they need to play with the facts some more. And your question will be appreciated because it acknowledges that you've really heard them and aren't going to automatically step on their "stuff."

3. Building trust takes place at levels 3 and 4. The more time you can spend there, the closer the working relationship can become.

Share this with the people around you. It may get you out of "mix" and into "match."

What do you think?

Comments

[Jo]

I think it is pretty good. My "rally" of 1000 students would have enjoyed it.

The NLP have the same idea of "pacing" yourself with the other person's style. It seems that if you get into the other person's rhythm, you can pick up the pace gently, whereas if you rush them they will resist.

Is the internet quiet your side too? It is a very warm day here.

[Tom Haskins]

Another advantage to using this model is it gets me to focus more on the other person and to listen more attentively which both play into the rapport this "level matching" can achieve. Thanks for sharing this Steve!

[Steve Roesler]

Jo,

Right now things are busy but I'm not able to post due to some Typepad upgrading. The post is in the queue and just waiting to roll.

Yes, the NLP pacing methodology is useful. This is different in that it focuses on the depth of the content. So if you are able to be sensitive to both, the communication channel should remain wide open.

[Steve Roesler]

Tom,

You are so right. The unmentioned part (until you mentioned it!) is the advantage of being forced to actually listen. In and of itself, that's a major contributor to the interaction.

[Nancy Lewis]

Steve - everytime I open On Our Radar Today with links to your stuff, I just shake my head in gratitude that you provide this information for us - so clear, sensible, usable. Thanks for this post and the guidance.

[Steve Roesler]

Nancy,

I'll bask in your kindness for the rest of the day.

Hope this makes an impact in the Grand Republic of Texas:-)

[Wally Bock]

Congratulations, Steve! This post was selected as one of the five best business blog posts of the week in my Three Star Leadership Midweek Review of the Business Blogs.

http://blog.threestarleadership.com/2008/07/02/7208-a-midweek-look-at-the-business-blogs.aspx

Wally Bock