Something for Your Work Life AND Your Love Life

Have you ever wondered why teasing doesn't always get the intended results?

Because it's ambiguous. And anytime we're ambiguous we risk being misunderstood. Our fun can turn into someone else's humiliation if it's misguided or misinterpreted.

Justin Kruger, a professor at the Stern School of Business at New York University, recently conducted research in this area. He asked roommates to tease each other and found that those who were teased almost consistently felt more antagonized than was intended. Instead of feeling a little "nudge" of teasing, they felt ridiculed.

Here's what really happens: The actual content of a tease is, by definition, negative. But seldom do the teasers intend it to be taken literally. So they try to temper it with body language or a tone of voice that implies "only kidding." Its too late. The person being teased is actually unaware or unmoved by the harmless intentions and perceives it as being malicious.

Teasing: A potential career-ending moment

During the past year I've intervened in two situations that were presented as harassment cases. In one instance the accused apologized immediately in front of a roomful of people.

Not good enough.

A complaint was filed with HR and follow-up action prescribed.

In the second, a similar tease took place but with no apology. Instead, an explanation was offered to explain the tease and why the recipient "shouldn't be offended." It was unbelievably difficult for the "perpetrator" to understand why the person was so deeply offended.

In both instances the teaser was a high ranking executive and the recipient was a woman one level below in the hierarchy. Each situation was ultimately resolved after a number of months. In the interim, both execs were in genuine danger of losing their jobs.

How to Tease

Kathleen McGowan of Psychology Today magazine offers these tips:

• Choose your subject carefully. Being ribbed about something silly you did or said is much easier to take than being kidded about a basic trait like weight or appearance. Harass your friend for bragging, for mispronouncing words or for being unable to parallel park—not about his big nose or her hefty legs.
• Tease up or across your social world, not down. Because teasing playfully punctures another person's sense of self, it is more wounding when directed at someone of lower status.
• Exaggerate the tease. Go for absurdity, not subtlety. Exaggerating your body language and your words clarifies that you're just joking and makes it less likely that your intent will be misread.

Bonus Love-life Tip

From Kathleen: "In the context of romance, women are more likely to feel insulted by teasing than are men, perhaps because guys are used to it: Young boys often express friendship through taunting and banter."

This is a public service of All Things Workplace.

Comments

[Jim Stroup]

Hello Steve,

I think you've hit on a topic of greater import than many realize, here. One thing that highlights it for me, and which you undoubtedly will recognize, comes from working overseas. The cultural assumptions that place teasing in a context enabling everyone to understand what is going on do not always exist in different cultures.

For example, American humor has a robust leveling component, which is behind much teasing. This can be received with, shall we say, dismay in certain other cultures.

What's more, even in the States this feature of teasing predominates among males. It therefore naturally took what seemed a perfectly ordinary place in the customarily male workplace. As women entered the workforce, its use there has led to a good bit of, well, dismay, as you've highlighted.

You offer great advice on a really important point, here - thanks!

[Joan Schramm]

There really is a difference in how women and men perceive teasing -- and, in my experience, men use the "But I was only teasing" comment to excuse what they know is unacceptable behavior. (Even a relatively enlightened guy like my husband does it).

A while ago, a company I was working for instituted a laborious procedure to renew ID cards. What had been a 2-step process now became a 6-step dance of forms, signatures and visits to the ID office. Since I had 500+ part-time people who worked for me, this new process was going to mean a lot of extra work and inconvenience for my office and for the employees.

I made the comment that the whole thing seemed slightly more complicated than the invasion at Normandy, but we'd deal with it.

The next day, in inter-office mail, I got a note from the security guy suggesting I might enjoy reading the attached book about planning D-Day.

I was not amused. I complained to the guy, and to his boss.

The security guy apologized -- as in, "I'm really sorry you got upset about this. I meant it as a joke."

So, he wasn't sorry he'd done it...just sorry I'd gotten upset about it.

And then went around complaining to other guys about how I was an overly sensitive, humorless b*tch who couldn't take a joke.

(Can you tell I still get a charge of energy thinking about this? Time for some Wavemaker work.)

You make some excellent points in your note, and I would add one more: be sure of your audience. If you don't have the type of work (or personal) relationship with someone that allows for some free give-and-take, it's better not to go with a joke that could easily backfire.

Thanks for another great article!

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Jim,

Yes, the cultural distinctions can really get one into difficulty, even with the best of intentions. And I've always been a bit surprised that even the most "sophisticated" business travelers often forget those distinctions and get themselves into difficulty as a result of not doing their homework beforehand.

Likewise, increasing numbers of women in the workplace over the years has created an equally legitimate *cultural* distinction. I haven't sat in on any corporate harassment training for a while. Now I'm thinking that it might be a service to clients to highlight the issue of *teasing* and the implications. It's not an issue of being politically correct; it is clearly an issue that has genuine meaning.

Thanks, Jim.

[Steve Roesler]

Joan,

That's exactly the kind of example that takes place every day and that I was hoping someone would weigh in with. So, thanks. And, as a relatively enlightened guy, even I can see what was happening:-)

So now you've got me thinking about this at another level.

Let's face it, part of marriage and relationships is learning what rings your partner's chimes and then learning from it. While scientists might say that one cannot generalize from a single experiment, I would hope that anyone who has *dated* (perhaps an out-*dated* term)has realized the inherent differences when it comes to teasing and joking. I don't think I ever formally categorized it until later in life, but even as a young guy I could feel the difference and often (not always) managed to shut up when I was about to be a little bit too clever.

Lest anyone think that I somehow manage to always do what I preach, here is a quote from my wife:

"You'll never lose a client because of lack of competence. It'll be an irresistible one-liner that will get you thrown out of the building with Elvis."

I also have a couple of books on Eisenhower's D-Day planning and would be happy to send them along. . .