The Business of Forgiveness

Downsizing. Corruption. Bullying. Harassment. "Do more with less." Reduced benefits. Add to that list some of the people with whom you have to work every day (see Bob Sutton's No Asshole Rule).

There's a lot of opportunity for anger and hurt on the job.

Where you find anger, you find the need for forgiveness.

Why?

It's good for you. For your physical and mental health. For your relationships. For your ability to move on peacefully and productively.

Why forgiveness instead of revenge?

Christina M. Puchalski, M.D. is the Founder and Director of the George Washington Institute for Spirituality and Health and Assistant Professor of Medicine at the George Washington University School of Medicine. She says:

"On a personal level, forgiveness of self can help us achieve an inner peace as well as peace with others and with God. Wrongdoing against others and ourselves can result in guilt and resentment.  This can then lead to self-recrimination and self-loathing; it also can create a distance or disconnect from self and others. Resentment can give away to hate and intolerance. Forgiveness is the first stage of self-love and acceptance. It is also the basic building block of loving relationships with others."

It's not the offense. It's your response to it.

I confess, I'm not always a quick-to-forgive person once I've felt "wronged". I give people a very long leash and a long time to "get their act together" if things aren't going well. But there is some point at which I just say "that's it" and cut them off from my life. It is very infrequent, but the pattern is always the same. I decide that the differences are irreconcilable. So, the relationship in its present form is finished.

Does that serve me well?

Only if I genuinely forgive. It is both possible and imperative to do that and, at the same time, acknowledge that the nature of the relationship may not be productive. This is the harder part, I think. It begs the nagging question, "If I can forgive, why can't I just continue?"

Sometimes it's possible. More often, it becomes apparent that I wasn't seeing clearly to begin with and that continuing the relationship--without changing expectations--would not be peaceful or productive for either of us.

Dr. Frederic Luskin specializes in Learning to Forgive. He explains that:

"The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health."

Dr. Luskin's 9 Steps to Forgiveness

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes--or ten years ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's fight or flight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize that "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

If you would like to explore other resources, check out The Forgiveness Web  and Forgiveness Net.

Think about this today: Your workplace is a web of relationships. Being at peace with them can only make your own life a lot more satisfying.

photo attribution: www.thirdway.com 

 

Comments

[peter vajda]

Hi, Steve,

Since forgiveness is such a large piece of my work, I’d like to share some thoughts:

“The greatest evil that can befall man is that he should come to think ill of himself." (Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe). One of the major stumbling blocks preventing folks from forgiving others is they cannot forgive themselves (where forgiveness starts), and so experience life from a place of non-deserving of joy, happiness and inner peace and harmony.

The first step to activating and experiencing our inner joy is to eliminate the blocks to it. We can start by truly forgiving ourselves and all others.

Forgiveness calls for a shift in our perception. It is easier to forgive ourselves and others when we really understand that each of us has always done the very best we knew to do at that time.

When we don’t or can’t forgive ourselves for our missteps, and others for theirs, we end up crippled with guilt. And our soul cannot grow under a blanket of guilt, because guilt is isolating, while growth is a gradual process of reconnection to ourselves, to other people, and to a larger whole. Guilt is separation - always - separation from our True and Real Authentic Self, our essence, and separation from others. Separation is driven by ego.

To forgive, we need to decide that we won’t allow the memories of the event to poison us any longer. We’re ready to heal this wound from the past and open to a fresh new beginning. Here is a huge issue for many folks, really huge, especially those who live by the mantra, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget.” Well, if one can’t forget, one can’t forgive. Pure and simple (ego-driven denials and protestations notwithstanding). Freedom comes with forgiveness and forgetting.

It’s important to remember that people only hurt others when they themselves are in pain. When we can recognize the other person’s suffering, our heart can open in compassion. We can also remember that at some time or another, we too have hurt someone through our own unskillful action. The deal is that we often find ways (read “excuses”) to absolve ourselves from the pain we cause, but always have “reasons” to attack, and blame the other for the pain they cause. Hmmm.

Only love (not a mental construct or “logical” deduction) can heal the rifts caused by a hurtful deed. A deeper, heart-felt approach to forgiveness moves us towards the unity and love that lie at the core of our being, and at the core of conscious, honest and open relationships. It is a fundamental part of the healing process.

God has a big eraser. Why don’t (or can't) I?

Zen distinguishes big mind from small mind. Big mind identifies with its process, is impersonal and participates universally. Big mind is unlimited possibilities, deeper understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, insight, connectedness, attention. Big mind forgives.

Small mind is self-centered, self-absorbed and focuses only on itself. It is compulsive, limited, reactive and mechanical. Small mind feeds on itself -- fear reacts to fear, judgment reacts to judgment, anger sparks more anger. Small mind resists forgiveness.

True forgiveness is more than an apology, understanding and acceptance. There is an element of recreating and re-imagining. There is a need to envision ourselves as more loving, interdependent, courageous and compassionate (the challenge). Forgiveness requires honoring the sacred journey of learning about life - our life and others'. And that’s a choice we have. Life is choices. (as your little graphic says.

Thanks so much for this particular posting.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

Your response is so complete I am not going to attempt to add to it.

Knowing your counseling/coaching passion, I was hoping you would quickly expand the discussion.

Thank you.

[peter vajda]

Steve, re: your response, to adhere to the notion of full disclosure...I do coaching, not "counseling."

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

Clarification duly noted under the (official) All Things Workplace Fairness in Blogging Act of 2008.

[Amy]

This is a fabulous posting. My thoughts on workplace bully focus on creative conflict resolution skills. You seem to get this, too. I advocate this if it's possible, of course. One must know oneself -- if your gut tells you to bail out, then pay attention to that! I will bookmark this blog.

[Steve Roesler]

Amy,

I'm really pleased to hear that you're efforts are geared toward resolution. That's the humane way to go as a starting point.

Sadly, as you point out, there may be a time to bail out. The only way to know that is to understand yourself, understand your situation, and understand whether or not someone in authority is going to intervene to "do the right thing."

Thank you for bookmarking--hope to see you add to the discussion hear again soon.