More "Language That Diminishes" And Why We Do It

How To Reduce Your Influence In A Few Easy Words rang the chimes of readers globally.

The post highlighted how people diminish their presence by using self-deprecating language at the very moment they need to act with boldness. Not haughtiness, but boldness.

Prem Rao wrote from Bangalore: "One that puts me off is having someone say 'I am not the best person to talk on this' at the start of his/her presentation."

"One of my biggest pet peeves on this topic is when ANYONE says: 'Well, I'll be real honest with you' ....
(So...any other time, they're not?)" from Skip Reardon.

"During a meeting, someone prefaces their question with 'Can I ask a question?' "   Dan McCarthy.

And Jackie Cameron weighs in from Scotland with: "' am very nervous...' and guess what ? The audience then focuses on you being nervous and not what you have to say. "

Why Do People Diminish Themselves?

Dr. Peter Vajda offers up this psychological framework:

Among the many defenses we use to feel good about ourselves is to play "small", and one way we do this is by (often unconsciously) "apologizing" in some way, shape or form for who we are or by being self-deprecating in some manner...somehow thinking that by "apologizing" we'll get people to "like" us, i.e., approve us, be "OK" with us and so then, too, we can also like our selves.

Those who are truly secure in their own skins feel no need to play small or be invisible. They are who they are, warts and all and feel little need to "be liked". They appear before a group, authentically, do what they do, be who they are, personally and professionally, without apologizing, without shoring themselves up, or needing to diminish who they are in any way. Their security and sense of value and self-worth comes from within not from without...so they have no need to play any "role" whatsoever, or be anyone else than who they are.

Does your language convey a healthy sense of comfort with who you are?

Comments

[dtj]

I somewhat disagree. Those who are secure in their skin can honestly frame a question, for instance, with self-deprecation to provide a cue to the person they are asking the question. In the past while working as the token computer geek in a science lab inhabited by extremely knowledgeable researchers. Based upon my own experience I would often have some potential insight into their science, but without understanding many of the basic concepts of what they are doing. In such cases I would preface my question with "understand that I ask this with a mind unfettered by knowledge" to indicate that I am basically taking an educated stab in the dark. Doing so does not diminish my question, but only frames the context in which it is asked. Sometimes the insight would be shot down quickly and respectfully on some basic point, which they would explain. Other times the insight would resonate with them and perhaps change their way of looking at a problem that they were intimately familiar.

In other situations, doing the same thing would accurately indicate that I am venturing well outside my area of expertise, but as I am generally considered an expert, the persons presumption would be that I know the stuff. Because I have developed software professionally for over two decades doesn't mean that I fully understand nitty gritty security protocols or base level socket programming.

[Barbara LIng]

For me, I call it "self-confidence married to boldness married to humanity." For example, in my chosen field I'm extremely knowledgeable...but have no problems with poking fun at myself at the same time. It builds a bridge to learning for those who think they can never learn the skills I teach.

Data points, Barbara

[peter vajda]

Being secure in one's skin, also means allowing for one's vulnerability, for one's "not knowing,", for curiosity. However, we can come come from this place (1) like and emotional 3-4-5- year-old or(2) as an emotionally and spiritually mature adult. Where we come from affects how we show up...so there's self-deprication that comes from a place of self-worth and an inner sense of security and there's self-deprication that comnes from a place of feeling lacking and deficient.

I can poke "fun" at myself and not expect anything in return, I am who I am, or I can poke "fun" at myself in a (an often unconscious) way that I'm "giving to get", i.e., so people will, in some way, shape or form, gravitate towards me and offer some tpe of expression that communicates they "like" or acept me in some way.

The latter is a flavor of the narcissistic way of behaving (based on an inner sense of lack and deficiency)where we constantly "put ourselves down" even in what we think is a light/funny/bantering/apologizing way but what we are really looking for (unconsciously or consciously) is for someone to shore up us so we can feel good about ourselves, to tell us we're OK, b/c we really don't feel OK within.

Feeling secure in one's skin is not about feeling secure because "I know it all", it's about being perfectly OK with who I am, knowing it all or not, and not feeling deficient or lacking, or less than, emotionally, if I don't know it all, or have it all, or do it all....

So, admitting that I don't know and being just fine with the vulnerability that comes with "not knowing", and still feeling a sense of self-worth, and knowing that I have value in spite of my not knowing is the key to how we show up---as that secure and vulnerable adult or as that 3-4-5-year-old in an adult body wearing adult clothes.

[Steve Roesler]

dtj:

Your example is actually one of stating a powerful truth. When one doesn't really know something, "I don't know" is the answer that, paradoxically, gives you more stature.

Why?

Because it's totally honest, unapologetic, yet reflects humility. When combining those qualities, the human condition processes the message as a position of strength in character.

The other examples we've been using reflect an inappropriate apology at an inappropriate time and have the opposite impact.

That said, your example is one for people to emulate; and, your method of expressing your inner-geek shows a lot of awareness of yourself and those around you. If we ever have a Token Computer Geek competition here at All Things Workplace, you're getting my nomination.

[Steve Roesler]

Barbara,

You and dtj are surfacing an important distinction that we need to bring into the light here.

When you're the top dog--via organizational position or expertise--there are situations where it's most productive to take yourself off the pedestal on which others may have placed you. This makes sense when you want people to engage you but realize they may feel intimidated. You've done nothing to diminish your position or expertise; you've simply made yourself more accessible to others. That reflects a high level of awareness and self-confidence.

"Self-confidence married to boldness married to humanity" should be made into a magnet or wall chart. I'm not going to forget that one.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

I'm going to assume that you read the thoughtful comments from dtj and Barbara and then offered up your delineation. It addresses the distinctions quite accurately.

What fascinates me is this:

This discussion started with a simple, factual example of someone undercutting themselves while making a presentation.

That led to more good, factual examples that people see all the time and that bug the daylights out of them.

The beginning conversations appeared to be about presentation skills on the surface.

This "business conversation" has again led to the realm of self-awareness, understanding who you are, and understanding who you are in relation to those around you.

[peter vajda]

Hi Steve,

you say, "This "business conversation" has again led to the realm of self-awareness, understanding who you are, and understanding who you are in relation to those around you."

All of life is "relationship"..all of it...plain and simple, like it or not, whether we choose to relate to and see others as "functions", robots, automatons, nobodiess,"less than me", etc, or humans, is a choice. The greater one's self-awareness, the more one can be honest, sincere and self-responsible in relating to one's self, and then with others.

In my work, one princple I follow is that the other or others are "humans" first, and then and only then, by the way, are they leaders, managers, entrepreneurs, sports folks, engineers, spouses, writers, etc. I choose to go that route as, in my experience, it's always "relationship" that gets in the way of relating...not tasks, processes, talent, skills, functions, software, knowledge(per se), etc., (as much as some would like to cite these "excuses' as impediments as to why "we can't get along"). It's people...and our underlying beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and self-awareness (or lack of it) that determine how how we regard them.

I've never pointed to my work on your blog, but I've written two articles that, I feel, are germane to this conversation. One is, "Being comfortable with 'not knowing' at work" and "Connecting vs. relating-Wall Street is but a symptom"..and can be found here http://www.spiritheart.net/index.php?pr=Peter_Articles

I'm very much enjoying this conversation. Thanks for taking the time, Steve.

[dtj]

Self-deprecation is a powerful tool if you use it right. Nearly all my professional relationships are very jocular, even with the stiffest of people. Bosses, Directors, CEO's or co-workers, its all the same. While everybody else has business cards that say things like "Senior Engineer blah blah blah", mine says "Tools Hooligan". With that I have declared that i'm not playing buzzword bingo and inflating myself with meaningless titles. In two words it shows that I am willing to color outside the lines and have alot of fun doing it.

I coach the sport of the lacrosse with middle schoolers and high schoolers. I also play in a local league with many of my players. As the fat old man (3 times as old as many of the players) who took up the sport in the last few years, I often get "dude, you suck". My response is "yes I suck, but *nobody* is having more fun on the field". Not so much fun the next morning, but when I am playing its absolute bliss. Typically my sucky moments come when I reach outside of my comfort zone, but that makes it fun. Being in a sport that not only *allows* you to hit kids with metal sticks, but *encourages* it, is very cathartic. ;-) Anyways... being able to admit ones flaws publicly is freeing and comes from a self-esteem built to take it. Course it doesn't hurt that my players also underestimate me once or twice, but usually live to regret it.

[peter vajda]

For me, dtj, this is the crux of authenticity and vulnerability, when you say: "being able to admit ones flaws publicly is freeing and comes from a self-esteem built to take it."

One note, when one says, "OK I'm going to (try to) be authentic" and/or "I'm going to (try to) be vulnerable", one thing is certain - that you will be neither. It's not a "mental" thing. It's not a do-ing; it's a "be-ing". And from a "be-ing" place, we just are that without our mind interfering to make it happen.