Stress, Fear, Action, Relief

One of the most interesting coaching engagements I've ever had was with a team of homicide detectives.

My role was to analyze what they were doing and how they were doing it in order to find out why they were so successful. In the 14 years they were together they had elicited video-taped confessions from 100% of the actual perpetrators involved in their cases. They did the initial investigation, legwork, interviews, videos--the entire thing. If the real  perp was in front of them--he/she "gave it up." (Note: One of the keys to the success was that they video-taped everything from minute one. That way, they had discrepancies in stories as well as a clear record of having never coerced a confession. That process has now become law in certain states).

This is All Things Workplace and the world of detective work, though foreign to most of us, is a much-too-real workplace.

As I listened to the detectives and the suspects I heard unthinkable descriptions of what happened prior to the ultimate act or attempted act.

One realization has stuck with me:

In order to induce terror, you never have to commit the act.

It is the unresolved possibility of terror that keeps one--or the world--in a state of fear and stress.

That is equally true with daily stress, on and off the job. Whatever is unresolved becomes a stressor. Carried to the extreme, inaction causes us to, in effect, terrorize ourselves. And others.

Have you been putting off asking for or giving feedback at work?

• If you're a manager, you are carrying around thoughts about people's performance. Those thoughts are building up and causing some degree of tension if unexpressed.
• Your employees don't know how they're doing. The first thing we humans do in the absence of truthful information is fantasize about it--negatively. More tension.
• Do something now. Feel the relief that follows.

What is reappearing on your to-do list that's giving you second thoughts about yourself?

• Do something now. Feel the relief that follows.

Who has been waiting for a decision from you?

• Do something now. Feel the relief that follows.

You and I have more control over our stress than we sometimes care to acknowledge. Why terrorize yourself when you can get relief by taking even one definitive action toward a tick mark on your checklist?

And each step you take brings an additional sense of relief.   

Comments

[peter vajda]

Hi, Steve,

In the short time I've been reading your blog, I feel this is one of your best.

For me, it's an invitation to become our own detective, to stand on the other side of the two-way mirror, and observe ourselves interviewing (interrogating?) ourselves as to why we do/don't do the things that would improve our (and others') lives, to explore the obstacles that stand in the way...and explore the fear underneath our inaction, resistance and procrastination.

The Buddhists have a concept that involves seven levels of consciousness---watching myself watching myself watching myself...to seven levels of observation...which brings us to a place of clarity and higher consciousness that is pure, unadulterated, ego-less, emotion-less...that brings us to the "truth" of who we are.

In this detective scenario I can observe myself as I interview myself and ask myself: "Why have I been putting off asking for or giving feedback at work (at home)?", "Why do the same items appear on my to-do list again and again?", "Why am I putting off connecting with someone who needs information from me?".

My detective self, assuming I'm an honest, sincere, forthright and self-responsible detective, would then listen intently for the "stories" in the responses and look to the truth of these stories.

Are these stories (my stories) really, really true or personal alibis that allow me to behave in my self-limiting and self-sabotaging way? Are there really any accomplices (on whom I can blame my inaction) or am I the lone perpetrator? What is my weapon of choice--the lie, the denial, the feigned ignorance, the "too-busy" excuse...?

As you suggest, it's often the case that after "running" and trying to hide from a crime, one often feels a sense of relief after being caught or being "found out". The truth shall set you free.

In this process ,compassion for our self, not coercion, is the key...not beating our self up with a "good cop-bad cop" approach, but allowing our fear and discomfort while exploring what is it, really, that stands in the way of moving forward...and in the process commuting ourself from a self-imposed life-sentence of guilt, fear, resistance, fight, flight or freeze that's held us behind bars in our life at work, at home or in relationship.

Thank you so much for this post.

[Dean Fuhrman]

Steve ... your piece, particularly this part "inaction causes us to, in effect, terrorize ourselves. And others." made me think of the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi (I know detectives and saints but there you go). One thing that has always struck me is how it is filled with action ... with being the actors in our lives ... and it is full of compassion, which we all need for ourselves and others. Makes for something nice to contemplate along with your thoughts.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

[Wally Bock]

Great. post, Steve. One of the ways to make sure you give feedback is to make it a non-event most of the time. I suggest that supervisors show up a lot and have lots of conversations with the people on their team. Use every contact as an opportunity to help the team member and the team succeed. If you work that way, then most of your supervisory conversations are informal. There are lots of benefits to that, but one big one is the lack of stress.

Recent blog post: Cutting Costs without Layoffs

[Steve Roesler]

Peter, thanks for the very kind intro.

As I read through your reasoned description, I realized that what we had come up with (inadvertently at first) was, in fact, the negation of the traditional good cop-bad cop scenario. In fact, when it became clearer and clearer who the actual "bad guy" was, the approach became one of empathy. "It's easy to see why you felt so angry that you would have wanted to do that." "Gee, if my partner had cheated me out of that much money, I would have felt the same way." And finally, "Can I tell the judge that you are a decent person who wants to cooperate?"

I'm taking all of these out of the total context of the process, but the real underlying principle is that people want to be understood. Non-judgmentally. This sounds crazy on the surface when one is considering a murderer. However, the goal is to get the right person off the street and into the courtroom on behalf of civilized society. Raising stress by producing the "evidence"--then lowering it with the action of confession and presentation to the judge as "cooperative"--creates an opportunity for the best possible outcome for all concerned. Note: in many cases that outcome is life in prison. However, after being on the run, life in prison apparently seems like a good deal to many. It is an action that releases the daily terror of continuing to run and wondering when one will be caught.

How much more productive and relaxed could we be in "normal" life if we simply followed your "detective" metaphor and acted responsibly to resolve those things that are terrorizing us in their own nagging ways?

Recent blog post: Stress, Fear, Action, Relief

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Dean,

That Prayer has always been a favorite due to the power of its truthful simplicity.

Recent blog post: Stress, Fear, Action, Relief

[Steve Roesler]

Wally,

Great title for your next book: "Just Show Up and Have A Talk."

This hit home today as a result of not having gotten a return email from a client. I started stressing as a result of not knowing why, then going off into Fantasyland about all of the things that must have gone wrong. When I couldn't take the discomfort any more I called him and he was totally surprised. Not only had he sent me the email, he had sent along other info on an attachment. Turns out it went into the spam filter for some unknown reason. Had he been my direct boss, no doubt I would have wondered a bit about my future.

The crazy thing about not constantly talking with people is: they will make up their own story to fill in the blanks. That story is seldom accurate and most often much more negative than anything that is actually taking place. Managers can bump up their game exponentially by following the guidance that you provided.

Recent blog post: Stress, Fear, Action, Relief

[Hayli]

I agree with Wally's idea, and I think work environments are naturally going to drift that way because upcoming Gen Y craves casual, continual, conversational feedback. So in the immediate future, managers may be pushed to provide such, and down the road, Gen Y will take the reigns and will automatically work that way.

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Hayli,

It will be great if that turns out to be the case. My experience is that Gen Y folks are, indeed, more up for ongoing chats about what's going on. Time will tell whether or not that actually becomes a new cultural phoenomenon in business that adds a positive touch across the board.

Thanks for stopping by!

[Dan McCarthy]

Steve –
Another great posts. What a great story and connection back to the workplace and time management. Nice job.

Recent blog post: America's Best Leaders 2008

[Steve Roesler]

Thank, Dan, much appreciated.

[Chris Young]

Great post Steve, and great things to keep in mind as we enter 2009!

I've shared your post with my readers in my weekly Rainmaker 'Fab Five' blog picks of the week which can be found here: http://www.maximizepossibility.com/employee_retention/2008/12/the-rainmaker-3.html

Be well Steve!

[Steve Roesler]

Chris, thank you for the honor and encouragement.

And here's to a terrific year ahead for you and the gang out there!