Interaction At Work: Do You Need To Be Right?

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
— Mark Twain

 

Dr. Peter Vajda is our guest contributor today and tomorrow as we look at the deeper issues that impact influence, managing differences, and building relationships on and off the job.

I'm Right, You're Wrong

Take a moment and reflect on your relationships at work and at home.

Ask yourself:“How much does the ‘I’m right – you’re wrong’ dynamic govern my everyday interactions?”  Perhaps we’re not aware of it at the time, but we consistently encounter situations where we feel
not only need to be right, but  make another be or feel wrong.

Our ego personality is the culprit here;  it wants and needs to feel strong, safe and secure.

When the situation is reversed and we have the sense that we are “wrong”, our ego personality reacts in a way that has us feel afraid, bad, stupid, insecure, deficient, diminished, small and even invisible!

Does Someone Have To Lose?

There's a real problem with this dynamic: someone has to lose. As a result, these kinds of interactions breed mistrust, conflict, competition and separation — all based on fear. 

The solution is not to consistently live in the world of polarity, but perspective, to live in a world of differences, not in a world of debate, to live in a world of “both/and”, not “either/or”. 

The challenge for the ego here is how to relate in a way that transcends the personal in order to focus on commonalities. In the world of the ego, it’s all about being separate and independent — win-lose, “I vs. you”. In the world of commonality, it’s all about “you and me.” 

Here are a few questions to help uncover what's going on:

• “What excuse am I using to rationalize and justify a win-lose?

• “Why can’t I simply feel content about being right without needing to make someone else appear wrong?”

• “Why do I live from an “I’d rather be right than happy” perspective so much of the time?” 

In the next post we'll look at how people got to a point of right/wrong thinking and offer more diagnostic questions to help move away from it.

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Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C. is a founding partner of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta-based company that supports conscious living through coaching, counseling and facilitating. We thank Dr. Vajda for joining the discussion this week and point out that the material is (c) 2008, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and SpiritHeart. All rights in all media reserved. 

Comments

[Hayli @ Rise Smart]

Great post! I think we all do this more than we care to realize, but hopefully your next post will enlighten us on how to stop, or at least do it less. I'll stay tuned.

[Hayli @ Rise Smart]

Sudden thought: Don't you think many people use this "I'm right, you're wrong" approach to try and move up the career ladder? In other words, they always have to appear right in front of the boss because they feel it makes them come across as more competent? And how much do you think a boss really values an employee "being right", versus "being respectful of others" and "being a team player." I guess it depends on the boss...

[Steve Roesler]

Hayli,

Your "sudden thought" brings up another aspect of this: the fact that bosses can promote or stop this kind of stuff as a result of their own responses.

I'm sure Peter will want to weigh in on this one as well...

[Beth Robinson]

What I've found since I've been paying more attention to my communication style is that this tendency can show up in more subtle ways than I would have originally thought. It's not necessarily about getting the other person to say they're wrong and you're right, but also about putting a truth (well, the truth as you see it, of course) in such a way that to acknowledge it the other person has to take a step back in their position instead of a step forward. That can be just enough tension to create pushback and escalation. I can't remember the exact conversation, but I do remember recognizing with an oops, back-pedaling, and rewording.

[peter vajda]

Hi, Hayli,

Being right, being respectful of others and being a team player are not mutually exclusive. One can be/do all three in a positive, honest, sincere, authentic and mutually-supportive way. It's only when ego drives the process that such behaviors can become fake and phony, and many folks, bosses included, can both see and sense this duplicity.

Continuing Steve's point, discerning bosses and colleagues are able to spot the disconnects and if they are caring, skilled and compassionate can tug on another's sleeve and support them to be authentic...without having to shore themsleves up, or otherwise come across as disrespectful, needing to be "right" all the time, etc.

Folks who are secure in their own skin don't have the need to continually act in a way that says, "See me! See me! I am somebody! I am right! I am competent!" Secure folks show up and are seen and noticed...without having to make it obvious.

[peter vajda]

Hi, Beth,

Good points. First, much of the tendency to "be right at the expense of your being wrong" is learned behavior and for many is a blind spot. They do do it as that's how they learned to protect themsleves (from feeling "bad" or "wrong" or "less than" or "not enough" in some way, shape or form) as they grew up and now as adults exhibit this patterned behavior as a matter of course. It's who they are and until or unless they can see this in themselves or someone supports them by pointing it out, they continue the pattern.

Asking questions is a wonderful way for people to reach common ground...and by this I mean understanding one another, not necessarily agreeing, and be on a level playing field without having to shore myself up by putting another down.

Perhaps "tugging on my own sleeve" before I comment can help me reframe:

"What am I wanting to achieve here?" "How might what I say come across as defensive, pushy, all-knowing, self-righteous? "Is what I'm about to say coming from my own need to be right?" "What am I sensing in my body? -- as the body will ALWAYS tell one the truth of the situation. "What do I want for me, for the other person and for our relationship?"

It's about "conscious" communication, not reactive communication.