Principles, Rules, and Expert Advice

Beware the lure of always and never when it comes to 'expert' advice. Unless you are involved in procedures to secure a nuclear facility or pack a parachute, such advice is suspect.

I've seen the following 'business advice' dished out recently regarding presentations and communication:

1. When you are making a presentation, never hold anything in your hand.

2. Pick one person in the room and maintain eye contact.

3. Be sure to  make eye contact with every person in the room.

4. People will be insulted if you repeat your main point too often.

5. People won't remember what you said unless you refer to it often enough.

Principles vs. Rules

From the folks at Merriam-Webster:

Principle: an underlying faculty or endowment

Rule: a prescribed guide for conduct or action

We humans are situational beings. Although we seek guidance and direction, we sooner or later realize that there is little that works the same way in every situation every time. Which is why, when it comes to addressing people and their needs, you are better off learning about underlying principles rather than one-size-fits-all rules. This may be especially true with communication and interactions.

In the spirit of the title, here are two principles with which to pursue this discussion. These have held me in good stead in my communication and presentation work over the years:

1. What the "audience" needs is more important than everything you think you need to say. Find out what they need and why they need it. Then, deliver it. 

2. Interruptions with questions and discussion are often the best indicators of engagement.  If the "audience" remains silent, hope that you are delivering a eulogy.

More to follow...

Bonus: Alleged "rules for how leaders ought to be" are dangerous as well. See Jim Stroup's Leadership Footprint for a glimpse at how that can happen.

Comments

[peter vajda]

Good stuff, Steve.

Some thoughts.

When folks understand, internally, not cognitively, that presentations are not about "presenting", but about "relating", they'll show up differently. Because folks have challenges relating, i.e., being personal, open, vulnerable, being "myself" and not some image I have of myself, they often resort to "tools, techiniques and principles" that (hopefully) mask their discomfort with relating. They then want to be "good" rather than be themselves.

Too often, the tools and the principles get in the way of allowing one to be "real", from being authentic. One cannot relate through "style". Mechanics won't do it.

We don't form (hopefully) our relationships outside of work by "going through a lock-step procedural process", and nor should we when in the presentation experience. Looking and being "polished" detracts from real-ness and authenticity.

Showing up in relationship and allowing one's tone, gestures, etc. to arise "organically" out of one's own enthuisiam and personality is the "secret sauce" of relating authentically.

Showing up authentically, and real supports one to be open, genuine, and vulnerable.

When we present from the inside-out, open our hearts, enjoy ourselves and are in relationship with others (audience), we are able to be more honest, free-flowing, and trusting.

The $10 question is what prevents us from being open, honest, vulnerable and real, from standing with our audience, not "above" them, from speaking from the inside out, and from speaking to their "insides"?

When we get in touch with our "inner speaker", the need for crutches, the need to shore and prop ourselves up with techniques and principles, begins to dissipate and melt away. Who's left? The "real" me. The one who relates without "trying" to relate.

"Trying" to be real and authentic won't do it. "Presence" is what allows us to be whomever we are in that moment - calm, hopeful, shut down, blissful, angry, sad, nervous, quiet, etc. When we remember that we are "ourselves" just as we are, right here and right now, and that it's OK to be my self, a funny thing happens...we begin to settle into a genuine, relaxd, supportive connnection with the audience, with others...because we have that connection with our True and Real self.

Trying to be other than who we are, is what stiffens us and forces us to need props and principles to make us look as though we are real, authentic, and relating. The audience knows, and more, feels, we are not. Thus, the subtle agitation, uneasiness and and "knowing" it's not working.

Thanks for this Steve. Very helpful.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

You've offered up enough for a week's worth of articles!

While reading through your comment I realized that I have experienced something on a rather broad-based level. It has to do with "authenticity" and "transparency". My experience is this: When I hear those terms tossed about with regularity in most--not many, most--business settings, it is an indication that they are not present. They have become the correct thing to say and have gone the way of participative management, engagement, and inclusion.

Those who "show up" being real have no reason to announce it. Those who practice inclusion are validated by the people present in the room.

[peter vajda]

Hi Steve,

You say, "Those who "show up" being real have no reason to announce it." Bingo!

In my experience, I see this as the single-most challenging struggle that threads through most people's lives at work, at home, at play and in relationship...."trying" to conform to some self-image they have of themselves-being real, authentic, etc. - the single greatest cause of most people's pain and suffering (mental, emotional, physical, financial, social, psychological, and mostly, spiritual). (I'm not speaking about "self-actualization" which does not include the heavy, negative energy of an ego "needing to be different from who I am".)

Those who are comfortable in their own skins, no matter where they are, who they are and how they are, are the ones who show up real and authentic, needing no pretense of any kind to just be themselves, who they are, no need to say "Hey, look at me! I'm real. I'm authentic; I'm an emotionally mature adult!"

Many folks are envious, resentful and jealous of those who show up real and authentic, often spending copious amounts of time and energy trying to find chinks in their armor. Coming from their own feelings of lack and deficiency, they choose not to look inside to see what their own issues are, but, rather judge, condemn and criticize those others.

I agree with you. Playing at transparency, authenticity, etc. is a game for many. When we are it, we have that knowing and so do others, so there's nothing to "do."

For example, when one says, "I'm going to be authentic...", the one thing we know for certain is, they won't be."

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

I am especially struck by your closing: "when one says, "I'm going to be authentic...", the one thing we know for certain is, they won't be." "

It reminds me of my reaction when I hear, "Let me be honest about this."

And prior to this moment, you were...?

[Chris Witt]

Steve,

Both you and Peter have raised some interesting points.

I model most of the speech coaching I do these days as a reaction against most of the speech coaching I've received over the years. People, many of them highly trained, have given me some awful advice. Start with a joke. Imagine people in their underwear. Look at people's foreheads, not at their eyes. Etc. Even when they've given me good advice, it hasn't been good for me. They were either telling me what they would do in a similar circumstance or offering one-size-fits-all advice.

Much of my coaching is working to get people to unlearn what they think giving a speech is about. (I agree wholeheartedly with you -- it's about what the audience needs to hear, not what I need to say.)

I try to help people be the best speaker they can be, to speak their truth as honestly as possible in a way that will best serve their audience. I don't know if I call that being authentic or showing up or being real.

Recent blog post: Learn by Listening

[Jo Ellen]

This quote is wonderful: "Those who "show up" being real have no reason to announce it. Those who practice inclusion are validated by the people present in the room."

How true this is. I immediately distrust a person who feels it necessary to tell me he's honest, open, trustworthy, authentic ... any word like that.

But I do believe that basic principles underlie our actions. In regards to presentations, it's not about what to hold in your hand or what not to, the principle that makes a good presentation, as was pointed out, is the idea that the presenter is thinking about his or her audience and meeting their needs. Period. I personally have been in way too many presentations where the presenter focused on the content only, and didn't seem to care about the audience at all. Needless to say, these were not engaging presentations.

Miss Brown, of A Dog's Advice to Leaders, would agree.

[Hayli @ Rise Smart]

Great advice, Steve. So is it OK to invite interruptions by saying something like, "Feel free to chime in if you have questions or if you disagree with something I say." How would you approach that? Maybe start the presentation by asking input-gathering questions first?

Recent blog post: Weekly Roundup: Are you on board the social media train?

[Jackie Cameron]

Very interesting post and comments. I teach very basic speaking skills and our programme enourages the students to talk about their own passions and interests for practice. We also consider peer feedback to be great for learning - for the person giving and receiving the feedback. Our programmes stresses the importance of putting "you" at the heart of what you are saying. The audience is then more likely to connect with you and - given the chance of course - interact with you!.I enjoy this most when working with young people in schools. I am hopeful that some of the habits that need to be unlearned mentioned above can be avoided!

And there is no one size fits all.

[Steve Roesler]

Chris,

That last sentence is as good a mission as one can set out on...

[Steve Roesler]

Jo Ellen,

"Two Woofs Up!" for Miss Brown's discerning taste.

It occurs to me that dogs are man's best friend because they totally focus on their owner. Perhaps there is, indeed, a Canine Corollary that would prove useful to those who don't latch on to the human one.

[Steve Roesler]

Hayli,

Once you've reached the point where you no longer equate a question with the word "interruption", you've entered the realm of real conversation. When you hit that, you can get "the work" done.

To answer your question directly: I always invite discussion at the outset with this exception: If I have to explain a model or a chart for a few minutes, I may ask people to let me get through that first. It's one of those things where you just know it's the right thing to do when it's the right thing to do.

[Steve Roesler]

Jackie,

I always enjoy reading and hearing about the work you are doing with young people. Getting them started on good habits at the outset can make a huge difference in how comfortable they feel being themselves and discussing their ideas throughout the rest of life.

Good going.