Right, Wrong, and Who Will Let Go First?

“When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college - that my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared at me, incredulous, and said, "You mean they forget?"--Howard Ikemoto

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Dr. Peter Vajda continues as our guest contributor today, looking into the deeper issues that impact influence, managing differences, and building relationships on and off the job.

Do You Want To Be Right or Happy?

“Why do I live from an “I’d rather be right than happy” perspective so much of the time?” 

That's the awareness-raising question that I left off with yesterday.

Here's a fact that each of us must reconcile: Somewhere along the path of our growth experiences we separated from the heart-felt and interconnected aspects of our child-like innocence and non-judgmental connectedness to others and began to focus on being separate — in psychological terms, the human and ego aspects of our selves. In this process we  created, and were indoctrinated with, beliefs, assumptions,
expectations and world views that we ultimately took on and which defined: “Me!”. 
 
As a result, we live in a world of assorted folks who have assorted beliefs and opinions. When we live life from an ego-directed place, then it’s “all about me.” In order to feel safe and secure as “me”, our initial reaction to a competing belief or opinion is reactivity — a fear of losing “me”, of feeling that “me” is being threatened. So, we start relating to other people based on our need to be right which means, being "me."  Let's be honest here: not being "me” is a very scary and threatening proposition.
 
Yet when we're able to let go of the need to be right, we are able to foster relationships that build harmony, give us a sense of connectedness, and ultimately allow us to be be more creative in the workplace. When I don't have to focus on being right or making you wrong, we can see things in new and different ways.

Steve's note: This flies in the face of many traditional workplace dynamics. Meetings are designed with goals and time limits. Many meetings are also designed to achieve a specific, pre-determined outcome regardless of other evidence that may exist in the room. If a senior person decides that something is "right," the options for exploration can become very limited. 

As you move through your day, take time to continually ask yourself about your underlying motivations in win-lose conversations. Do you need to “win” for selfish, manipulative or fearful reasons? That is, what’s your real intention when engaged in win-lose interactions?  
 
Different people latch onto different questions to reach a new level of awareness about this critical work/life issue. Here are some that have proven helpful in my professional practice:
 
• What will happen if I let go of my need to be right? 

• What won’t happen if I let go of my need to be right? 

• What will happen if I don’t let go of my need to be right?

• What won’t happen if I don’t let go of my need to be right? 

• What is threatening to me about not being right? 

• Do I ever feel enslaved by a need to be right? If so, how does this feeling affect me? Affect others? 

• How do I feel when I am “wrong?” Why do I feel this way? 

• What was it like to be “right” and “wrong” when I was growing up? What did “being right” get or not get me and what did “being wrong” get or not get me? How does that dynamic continue to play out in my life as an adult?  

• How do I deal with the “unknown?” 

• Would I rather be right or happy?

For a breadth of reading and insights, wander over to Wally Bock's Three Star Leadership for some of the best HR-related writing in this month's Carnival of Human Resources.

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Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C. is a founding partner of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta-based company that supports conscious living through coaching, counseling and facilitating. We thank Dr. Vajda for joining the discussion this week and point out that the material is (c) 2008, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and SpiritHeart. All rights in all media reserved. 

Comments

[Chris Witt]

Peter,

These are great questions. I've printed them up so I can look them over and reflect on them when I sense a win/lose conversation coming on. Thanks.

One of the questions I ask myself is somewhat related to your question: "What was it like to be “right” and “wrong” when I was growing up?" It's something like this: Whose voice -- usually from my childhood -- do I hear accusing me of being wrong?

If I can identify that voice, I can begin a dialogue with the person (at least in my head).

Chris

[peter vajda]

Thanks, Chris. Identifying that voice can be very helpful. Usually it's a parent, mother or father, or primary caregiver. Too, that voice can be an amalgam of every authority figure who appeared in our life during our formative years, and beyond.

Once we know that voice is operating, when we have a "conflict" of some type in our adult experience, we can become more "conscious" and see the person across from us in another light or context...in other words when we begin to become reactive we can remind ourselves that "that was then, this is now" and not "see" this person across from us as a parent (or sibling) or primary caregiver.

Then, we can experience a freshness in our experience with this person, right here and right now, and more aptly "respond" objectively and more personally in the moment than "react" judgmentally or critically or defensively from our past.