Unspoken Rules: Peer Pressure Isn't Just About Teenagers

Many years ago my friend and associate Dr. Bud Bilanich and I worked together at Pfizer headquarters in NYC. One day, we decided that the elevator ride up to the 19th floor was just too quiet. No one spoke to each other even though we all worked for the same company. (Clearly, Bud and I had grown  up in the suburbs). Our foray into the Land of Unspoken Rules is described here.

Rewind even further to a popular TV show: Candid Camera. This was a genuine reality show because those being filmed didn't know it. Without citing lengthy psychological research papers, Candid Camera captured the human condition for all to see and ponder.

Compliance vs. Agreement

How often have you experienced one or more of these:

1. A workshop leader asks the "How Many of You Have. . .?, raises her hand, and the participants arms shoot skyward. The impact: Lots of agreement--the workshop leader must know what she's talking about. Credibility begins to build.

What you don't know is: Even though all these people "have done" the thing, what was their experience with it? Would they do it again? How many didn't want to be seen as not being part of the "in crowd" once the hands started to go up?

2. A senior manager announces a new initiative. He then rattles off a list of executives and department heads who are 100% with him on this. One of those names is your boss. He then asks, "How many of you can I count on?" You watch the hands go up, one by one.

3. You are at an off-site meeting that started at 7 a.m. It is now 7 p.m. and the announcement has been made that a group dinner will be held at Maison Conformité. You really want to go back to your room and crash. People start mulling around, unenthusiastically. Yet at 7:30 pm all of you are now at the restaurant, tired and superficially cordial.

It's easy to use known techniques that play on the human condition in ways to gain desired behavior. The question becomes, "Are you getting (or giving) compliance or agreement?"

The distinction will be crystal clear when the time comes for commitment and action.

Enjoy the video and join me for a thought at the end: 

In none of the examples I cited above--nor in the video--did anyone ask a question that could change the dynamic.

Are there instances of group pressure where asking a perfectly sensible question is viewed as more dangerous than "going along?" If so, what groups do you belong to whose unspoken norms create obstacles to sensible questions? How's that working for you?

Comments

[peter vajda]

One of the psychodynamics in play here is that of "accommodation." Folks often accommodate in order to be acknowledged, "seen" and validated - basically, "giving to get." Many folks sell out who they are, give up their power, their True and Real Self, their authenticity, and their voice, and "go along to get along"...in order to be validated...an ego-driven need that comes when folks consciously or unconsciously feel lacking or deficient.

These behaviors are also called "narcissistic goodies" - the various (often fake, phony and duplicitous) ways we behave in order to feel better about ourselves and to have others "value" us and give us attention in some way, shape or form...as we don't value ourselves or see that we have our own "worth"--so we need to get it from "outside." Compliance, agreeing, giving fake and superficial "good job" and "attaboy"-type comments, colluding and the like are often forms of accommodating....going against our own Truth in order to feel an ephemeral sense of worth is what's often underneath--an unfortunate "behavior-du-jour" these days.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

It would seem that there is some kind of dividing line, probably based on social/cultural norms, into which one could say, "This is superficial--yet socially-expected--agreement," and "This is selling out."

For example:

You meet a guy in a restaurant who is wearing a plaid, polyester suit. He's clearly proud of it asks, "How do you like it?" You figure your negative response really isn't going to change anything, so you smile and say something obtuse like, "Nice tailor."

On the other hand, your boss asks you to edit a presentation that she will make. There are so many obvious edits you are concerned that if you tell the whole truth, she'll freak out. So, you make a couple of suggestions that appear insightful but don't change the substance in ways that you know would be most useful.

In this instance, I feel a sense of worth because I've been asked for my opinion. However, if I have any personal integrity at all, that is offset by having to live with the knowledge that:

a. I didn't tell the truth

b. I knowingly let my boss go into a meeting less-than-prepared

My bet: there are plenty of people who would say that that behavior simply makes good career sense if you want to keep your job. And they'd be right in many cases. The longer term issue is:

How many times can one be untrue to the Truth until it so deeply impacts one's sense of self that one's mental and emotional health is affected?

[peter vajda]

I agree with you Steve...my intent was not to paint with a broad stroke...but to tug on the sleeve of those of us who know (while perhaps even denying) that we are refusing to "show up" in the guise of, for example, "making good career sense" as you state it. Your last statement points to this, and aptly so. Thanks for the clarification.

[Dan Erwin]

Steve: I thought your analysis and management of Peter's overstatement was positively brilliant. It's rare to see such in the blog world. On occasion I differ with a blog writer--partly to enlighten, but someimtes to check out. After differing on two or three posts with a single blogger--and observing that my differences never appeared as a comment, I add that blogger to my control freak list. Thankfully, the list is not large.

Kudos to your willingness to post most any comment, and then analyze said comment.

[Steve Roesler]

Hello, Dan,

Apologies for the delayed response; have been under the weather and just now catching up with the comments.

We've got a medium here that is unparalleled in its ability to generate new learning for everyone who participates. I feel fortunate that those who take time to comment range from those grounded in a lifestyle committed to deeper understanding and awareness (Peter) to those who want to add or argue a bullet point to a "Top Six" list.

Dan, your affirmation is much appreciated and an encouragement to all commenters that this is a place where people with new information and differing viewpoints are welcome to thoughtfully add to the conversation.