Silence Is Not Golden Unless You Are A New Parent

If you make a statement that is met with silence, the last thing you want to believe is that you have agreement.

It's easy to want to assume agreement because it allows us to move on and quickly avoid the potential for dis-agreement, conflict and, unfortunately, the truth about what people are really thinking and feeling.

Here are just some of the meanings that may lurk behind silence:

• People are too angry to speak.

• People are confused but don't want to appear "stupid" by asking a question. Why? Because as they look around, no one else is asking a question and each is assuming that all the rest are silent as a result of understanding.

• People are reflecting on what you said and haven't yet processed it completely.

• People who are counterdependent are actually rebuking you and protecting themselves with silence.

• Those who really weren't listening anyway don't want to do anything that will cause them to be asked a question. They may even nod slightly in the hope that you will "go away".

• People are, in fact, in total agreement with you and thinking more about your conversation/presentation.

(How many more can you add? Do send in your cards and letters via comments).

Think about this: the person in a relationship who maintains silence grabs the power. It's not healthy but it's a fact.

When you encounter silence, name it and neutralize it by saying something like this: "We just spent 45 minutes discussing Project Q. I gave you my take, but what you are thinking--pro and con--is important. Let's discuss it." Then, sit there and wait for the discomfort of prolonged silence to force the conversation to begin.

It will.

For more about the dynamics of talking and silence, check out Nothing Happens Until People Talk plus Employee Needs, Silent Communication, and What To Do.

BTW: I gave you my take, but what are you thinking?

Comments

[Chris Witt]

Steve,

I used to love silence at the end of my speeches, because I assumed or at least wanted to think it meant people were with me -- in awe, even, of my wisdom. (I also used to think that it was a good thing when people didn't have any questions.)

Now I look / hope to spark something. I want to raise the volume in the room.

I agree with all the reasons you list for why people may be silent. (But I did have to read up on "counterdependent.")

One reason you can add to your list: people disagree with what you've said and they don't know how or don't feel safe to voice their disagreement. Some people equate disagreement with conflict, and hate conflict.

Chris

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Chris,

That's comforting to hear; I always thought it had been only me who had walked through life reveling in the apparent wonderfulness of post-speech silence!

I'll add the "safety" issue to the next list. Isn't it fascinating how we all want to have some control over our lives but may choose not to exercise it if it might mean disagreement? The other issue--safety in organizations--is always a biggie. Do you find that it emerges with some regularity as a result of your interventions in speaking/communication?

[peter vajda]

Hi, Steve,

Then there are those who feel emotionally lacking, deficient or insufficient as a result of some invidious comparison they are making between themself and the speaker as a result of what they've heard or what they've seen - they may feel jealous, insecure, angry at themselves (depressed)for being or feeling "stupid" (not the "confusion" you refer to above.

Good stuff and thanks for this.

[Steve Roesler]

Hello, Peter,

In such instances, what percentage of those folks are aware of what is driving how they are feeling in the moment?

It would seem that identifying that kind of self-defeating cycle would make one go: "Hmm. That makes no sense; I'm going to start participating!"

[peter vajda]

Hi Steve,

IMHO, in response to your question, 2%....the other 98% are finding fault with the speaker (the audience, the venue, the temperature....) in some way, shape or form...i.e., looking outside thmselves for an excuse for their discomfort.

[Wally Bock]

Hey Steve. This is aggravated by the concept taught in many sales training programs that "silence means consent."

[Steve Roesler]

Wally:

That's a heck of a misguided concept.

Who managed to sell that?

[HR Jobs]

Hi Steve,

Here's another one for you.
- People may have lost interest and don't want to speak as they think it will look like a sign of interest.

Silence often holds many meanings, when people don't talk their body language ca give us many clues as to why they are silent.

Thanks for the post it was a very interesting read.

[Rodney Johnson]

Yes, too often silence does become a Silent Problem. And when the silence is unleashed without warning, it screams.

[Chris Witt]

Steve,

Regarding your question about safety in organizations and about how the issue gets raised in response to my interventions in speaking/communication:

Two issues (there may be more) involving safety (or the lack thereof) I come upon in my work are:

1) Higher ups ask for feedback / questions when they really don't want it. I've had clients sent to me because they were disrespectful or they weren't with the program or weren't team players. Their crime? They put the boss on the spot by asking (unwanted) questions during a public meeting.

2) Higher ups blame poor communication on their subordinates when its their own doing. For example, an engineering firm hired me to work with its managers, because the president didn't like their presentations. They weren't the greatest presenters, mind you, but he was a terrible audience. He constantly interrupted them from the very start. He asked questions that they couldn't possibly answer. And he was rude and intimidating. Why would anyone want to talk to him?

I hadn't thought about it until you raised the issue, but lack of trust / safety often breeds silence (or inept communications).

Chris

[Hayli @ Transition Concierge]

My sales training was similar to the last paragraph of this article. Essentially, make your proposal and then wait for the silence to force the prospective customer into starting a conversation. We were taught that he who talks first "loses".

[Mary Jo Asmus]

Steve,

Your post prompted some thoughts about the other side of the coin: when can silence be a good thing?

When a manager has good relationships with those around him, and when he has created and nurtured safety for people to speak up. In this case, silence can simply mean that wheels are turning! Particularly with introverts who "think first, speak later", it is essential that the silence that occurs (under the conditions indicated) is allowed to unfold. They do their best thinking and give their best answers that way.

[Steve Roesler]

HR Jobs:

You mention, "People may have lost interest and don't want to speak as they think it will look like a sign of interest."

Definitely going on the next list.

[Steve Roesler]

Rodney,

Great one-liner about silence screaming. Am putting that in the "quotable" bin for an upcoming post.

[Steve Roesler]

Chris,

The two scenarios you clearly outline here are two of the reasons our business moved from totally Presentation Skills to organization development. It was nearly impossible to make executives effective presenters if they didn't build organizations with a deeper foundation of trust and overall good communication.

Consider them on the next list...

[Steve Roesler]

Hayli,

"He who talks first, loses" is a line used in many situations. It's one that I carry in the back of my mind yet, at the same time, isn't 100% accurate out of context. The real issue is that you can't learn anything about a situation if you are talking; thus, in the sales situation. sales people will never know what the prospect is thinking or feeling if the focus is on "the pitch".

Another one-liner for the next edition...thanks, Hayli.

[Steve Roesler]

Mary Jo,

Good Jungian insight.

Now you've prompted the need for an entirely different look at silence from that perspective.