Even More: Honesty, Boldness, and Sins of Omission

It's clear that people do want to deal with truth, not a sanitized version of it.

Honesty, Boldness, and Sins of Omission generated comments that went below the surface to address, well, some truths.

Wally Bock and Dan Erwin weighed in with workplace and personal examples. I'm going to use both to hopefully shine even more light on the issues.

Dr. Peter Vajda  works with local business professionals in the Atlanta area on these issues quite frequently. Here is what Peter adds:

Few People Know How

My experience says few folks know how to have a conversation that may be uncomfortable...at work, at home, at play or in relationship...most avoid difficult conversations...the major reason being they never felt comfortable around conflict growing up..or learned how to "be" with conflict...and now as an adult, this "child-ish" reaction leaks out when the idea of conflict arises...leading to avoidance, excuse-making for not broaching it, or coming across like a sledge hammer....all defensive mechanisms.

What To Do that Is Helpful

1. Be conscious of any type of "history" (bad blood, resentment, jealousy, etc.) between you and the person with whom you want to have this conversation. If there is history, creating a container of safety will be challenging. Building that container will take time and it's wise to do so before having the "conversation." You'll need to create a bridge of trust and respect before having that conversation.

2. If you have behaved inappropriately or have contributed to any aspect of the issue, then you need to own that.

3. It's important that your motives are pure and heart-felt. If you make this a right-wrong, me vs. you, win/lose type of experience, it won't work. So, you might ask three questions: (a) what do I want for me? (b) what do I want for the other person? (c) what do I want for our relationship? All responses should have some degree of mutual coming-together "for the good of the order" perspective. Else, just more conflict or misunderstanding and mistrust.

4. Speak about specific measurable and observable behaviors...not attitudes or personalities.

5. Use a "soft" start-up. John Gottman, in "The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work" (tools and principles that can apply as much to the workplace as home) speaks about the soft start up. Beginning a conversation without any flavor of: contempt, criticism, defensiveness or stonewalling. A "harsh start-up, on the other hand leads to emotional reactivity, emotional flooding and only creates distance between those involved. So, it's not about being "diplomatic". It's about NOT being critical or expressing contempt, even in a masked or subtle manner. No subtle or overt attacking - making the other feel "bad" or "wrong."

6. Most conversations that deal with conflict end the same way they start. So, if they start "softly", they'll most likely end that way...ditto, "harshly."

7. There's a way to complain, without being critical, without blaming, evaluating or judging. John Gottman's book as well as "Non-Violent Communication" and "Crucial Conversations" (Google, if interested) deal with this.

8. Do it now. Storing things up only serves to create cortisol and leads to stress and most probably a less-then-pleasant interchange.

Thanks, Peter.

What are your experiences with honesty and discussions?

Comments

[Chris Witt]

Steve,

Lots to think about here, as usual.

I've noticed in myself and in others a cycle that contributes to the type of avoidance you're addressing here. 1) I don't like conflict so I tend to avoid dealing with it, 2) when it becomes so bad I can't avoid it any more I blunder into it without giving it enough (constructive) thought, 3) things turn out badly, so 4) I dislike conflict even more and try even harder to avoid it.

I agree with Peter about the need to learn HOW to deal with these types of conversations, and I like his suggestions.

Thanks, Chris

[Steve Roesler]

Chris,

I think all of us belong to a club that has a very large membership.

This isn't easy; the good part is that it's possible to learn how to do things differently.

Like you, I thought Peter did an excellent job with his recommendations. Not just theory, but actionable items.

[Lynn M]

It sounds to me like honesty works if the motivation is right. If you are being honest with someone in order to tell them they are wrong and you are right (because that is how you honestly feel) then your motivation is self-serving and it probably won't go well. Honesty will work if the motivation is to make a situation or relationship better. If it only serves your ego you might need to keep your honesty to yourself. "If you can't say something nice....."

[Wally Bock]

I think the issue is different at work and in personal relationships. In the latter, there's a context and a history that is part of every honest conversation, whether it's specifically evoked or not.

At work, rank is always either part of the discussion or casting a shadow across it. So if you're going to talk about behavior or performance at work, you need a bit of a script to achieve the outcomes you describe above.

Start with What the conversation is about. Be specific. Describe behavior or performance without adjectives. Adjectives trigger emotions.

Say Why it's important to have the conversation. Describe the impact of or reaction to the behavior or performance.

Then Wait. Waiting is crucial. Without it, a conversation is unlikely to happen.

[Steve Roesler]

Lynn,

Indeed, I would second that. Without a spirit of goodwill and respectful intent the situation usually is exacerbated.

We're assuming goodwill here without being naive to the fact that self-centeredness certainly is alive and well.

Thanks for adding that caveat...

[Steve Roesler]

Wally,

Let's acknowledge that organizations are all about power, whether people realize it or not.

The sequence you offer to supervisors/managers is important because it acknowledges that reality and enables the manager to set the stage for difficult conversations in ways that respectfully focus on specific performance on a specific task. When done with skill and respect the manager stands a good chance of keeping the interaction on an adult-to-adult plane.

Good stuff.