Change How You Deal With Difficult People

I've been presenting a program for clients on "How To Deal With Difficult People" for more than 20 years.

It sounds kind of grim but is really a lot of fun. Why?

Because everyone has someone who "bugs" them. And, when they think long and hard about it, what bothers people most is actually something they really don't like about themselves. There are lots of ways to have fun with this and learn a lot at the same time without navel-gazing.

What I like best about the approach we've developed is that it isn't about coping with jerks. Why settle for coping? It doesn't really change anything.

Do You Want To Change Something?

Good. Then here's a little synopsis that I hope will help.

1. What really drives your blood pressure north?

Identify the triggers are that push your buttons by thinking about past experiences in which your "favorite"  person finally got to you.

What did they do?  That’s different than why it bothered you. Simply identify their actual behavior.  Was it the way they approached you? Looked at you?  How did they look at you? Maybe it was a certain voice quality or tone of voice?

2. How did you react?

Do you immediately blame them for how you feel?  Do you act distracted or quickly find a distraction? Disavow what’s really going on? When they do their "special" thing, what do you do in response?

3. What do you want from yourself? 

What’s the very best you can bring to the situation? Regardless of what they did, what would you do to be delighted with yourself after the interaction?

4.  What do you really want from them? 

Yeah, I know: "Stop that stuff!"

Not going to happen. So, think about this relationship the way the Cheerios people do on their nutrition label. "What is the MDR (minimum daily requirement) of behavior you can hope for and accept? Then start expecting nothing more. (it's quite free-ing, really).

5.  Has someone else learned a way to deal with this person?

 How do they do it?  Who might know how to do it?  Describe your situation in a way that combines "behavior-then-how-I-feel." No need to dump on the offender; besides, it makes you less attractive and less of a good candidate for help.

When you've reached a point where you have an approach, use it. We train our muscle memories to play tennis, golf, and other sports in ways that become unconscious.  You can train your nervous system in the same way. Think about this: if you do just one thing differently you may change the entire pattern.

Most importantly: Life is not what happens to us. It's how we respond to what happens to us.

And you are in charge of your responses.

Go for it!

Comments

[Mary Jo Asmus]

Oh dear. You've forced me to look at my own dark side "...what bothers people most is actually something they really don't like about themselves". How true. Thanks for the bit of reflection, Steve.

[Steve Roesler]

Mary Jo,

Don't you just hate when this happens? :-)

[Becky Robinson]

Steve,

I really love the idea of training yourself to deal with situations in a new way. It makes sense that choosing a new way of responding again and again will lead to a pattern and changed behavior. And it seems do-able because it begins with one new response.

[peter vajda]

Hi Steve,

Another subject near and dear to my heart, so, some thoughts:

You May Be Aiding “Difficult” People to Be Difficult. No relationship is exclusively one-way. When any two people interact, the influences flow in both directions.

So if there’s someone at work (at home or at play) who consistently irritates you, peeves you, and just generally gets under your skin, know this: you are almost certainly part of your problem.

There’s no question that in most every organization (home and playground), we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, or otherwise annoy us, and behave in ways that make us want to scream. They’re commonly referred to as “difficult people”. Some we label simply “irritating”; some we label “rude” and some we label “impossible to work or be with”.

In my experience, however, the question is not so much what makes them “difficult”, but what we tell ourselves about them that makes them difficult - that is, underlying, supporting and triggering our reactivity and characterizations are the stories we tell ourselves about such folks. “S/he is (fill in the blank with your negative judgment, criticism, or descriptor)” that categorizes them as ‘difficult’.

When we drill down to the “truth” of the difficulty matter, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious, outlandish, off the charts or aberrant; the “truth” of the difficulty matter is that often the “difficulty” is not so much the other individual as it is the stories we tell ourselves about that person. What often occurs is that we have created a “story” about that person, a story we take as real, a story we assume is true.

So, when we feel the urge to label another as “difficult”, a first step is to check out the reality of the story, the facts. How?

HERE ARE THREE SELF-REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK:

1. What is that person doing, or how are they being, that is problematical for me?

In other words, ask yourself what the observable and measurable behaviors are that point to “difficulty”. Often, when caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, we lose sight of the observable facts and simply respond with a knee-jerk judgment along the lines as: “Well, it’s nothing specific; he’s just being an “a–hole”. Because we are so attached to our story, we often fail to grasp the details that indicate the person is, in fact, difficult. So, ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I am directing to another person, would I know exactly how to do, or be, differently?” If not, you’re telling yourself a story and you’ll need to be clear on the facts.

2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?
When we create stories, we create a way we choose to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “laziness” tunes and, as such, I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving that I can characterize as lazy, in order to prove the truth of my story.

If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring, or rejecting, me and my work, then I turn the radio dial to pick up “rejection” tunes and look for, and listen for, incidents which allow me to say, “See, there she goes again; she likes that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”
We create distortions that support us to prove we are “right”; that our story is true. We look to archive lots of evidence to prove our story. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves:

** “Is this the whole story?”
** “Is my story, really, really the truth?”
** “Is it possible I am distorting things just a bit?”

In fact:

** “Is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the ogre I make him or her out to be?”
** “Could I be mistaken?”

3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?

The bottom line is that our stories influence our behavior (at work, at home and at play). Our stories (and their attendant beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, preconceptions, misperceptions, etc.) trigger our emotions and feelings and it is our emotions and feelings that drive our behavior (often unconsciously) towards the other.

So, it’s important to take steps to become “conscious” of our stories. Two questions that can help in this vein are:

** “How do I behave toward another based on my story?” And,
** “Am I building a case against another, or attempting to solidify a case against another, based on my story?

A next step is to become curious as to whether, in fact, I am perpetuating another’s behavior as a result of my story. Am I contributing to that other person’s being “difficult” through my story and reactivity?

Yes, there are “difficult” people in the world. The question is whether some of these folks are really “difficult” in and of themselves or whether I am a major contributing factor to their being “difficult” through my story, and, more sincerely, honestly, and self-responsibly, how do I know the difference.

Everyone is in “chapter three” of their life and often we base our criticisms and judgments of another on the assumption we know what went on in “chapter one” and “chapter two”. Truth is, we don’t know.
Ask yourself: “Why would a rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning individual behave like a jerk” (Or fill in the blank with another “difficult” descriptor you use.) And then perhaps compassionately give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up your story or justify your story as “the truth”.

No one (read: NO ONE) ever gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.”

[Becky Robinson]

Wow, Peter, thanks. Extras like this are one reason why I always come back to Steve's posts to check the comments. The idea that we create a story in our minds about a person and base our reactions on those stories is a powerful one.

And your last comment is worth remembering. I think I'll tweet it!

[Sylvia Lafair]

It is so refreshing to find folks willing to drill down and look at the core issues around working with, living with, being with, "difficult people". I would like to add another perspective to consider. When someone pushes our buttons the ensuing anxiety is often found in the older part of the brain, the amygdala. This is where behavior patterns connected with survival and early security get triggered. These patterns are associated with what we learned in our original organization, the family and that we bring into the present work organization.

My research shows that when we sift through memories of parents and siblings we can often connect the dots and see the present "difficult person" in a new light. They have stirred up old feelings of disappointment, betrayal, jealousy etc. that make us behave as if we are still in prekindergarten. Often reassessing these old memories we can find the way OUT of present conflicted relationships. Once we Observe,and Understand we can Transform knee-jerk patterned responses. So often, as Gandhi said, we are the key to the change we want to see.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter, Becky, and Sylvia,

This is a treat: a real conversation that does, as Sylvia notes, drills down to the core issues involved.

I continue to be amazed and lifted up by the depth of offerings around topics that have such meaning.

Thank you all!