Help and How to Ask For It

We all need help: managers delegate (it's really about help), team members collaborate, and it would be great if our kids would take the trash out for us.

Yet asking for help seems to be unbelievably difficult for many. To some it's embarrassing; others see it as a sign of weakness; and there are those who fear the sense of rejection that comes from "no".

If you think about it you'll realize that most people are willing to help most of the time. After all, aren't you?

A Helping Hand

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology  shows that we vastly underestimate just how willing others are to lend a hand.

In a series of studies Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake of Columbia University tested people's estimates of how likely others were to help. They recruited people to ask others to fill out questionnaires, borrow cell phones and even escort them to the gym.

The result: people underestimated how likely others were to help them by as much as 100%.

So, what's going on?

It's embarrassing to say "'no"

We find it difficult to understand what others think and feel because we are kind of stuck inside ourselves. We may not like to think of ourselves as egocentric, but we all are to varying degrees.

The researchers say it's more than that. We also underestimate just how much social pressure there is on other people to say "yes". In effect, when you ask someone to help you it's a lot more awkward for them to say "no" than you might imagine.

Two Practical Tips For You

1. When you want help, just ask. People are much more likely to help than you think (especially if the request is relatively small). Most people gain pleasure in helping others who have a need.

2. Make it easy for people to say "no". Here's the flip side: most of us don't realize just how hard it is to say "no" to a request for help. People feel more pressure to say "yes" than we realize. If what you are asking for really may be a burden, think of ways to make it easier for the person to say "no".

Note: In the workplace, goals and deadlines may not be negotiable. If you are a manager you need to look at what you are delegating, the totality of activities an employee has to do, and set priorities. It's popular to parrot, "Do more with less."  In this case, the "less" is time. Can your employee or team achieve the standard of performance by doing more with less time? Get clear about what's most important.

Comments

[Frode H]

Be honest.
It is very important to be honest. Both with good news and bad news. At hour company people are eager to help but, they need to know where to help, so if you "hide" problems you will fail, if you tell what is challenging, help comes by itself. It is a great culture to work in.

[peter vajda]

There are many deep-seated psycho-emotional reasons many folks cannot or will not ask for help. One major reason is that, as a child, when one asked for help, s/he was met with a rejecting response: in various forms...

Only sissies ask for help.
Boys/men don't ask for help.
No!
What's wrong with you!
Don't you have a brain!
Can't you see I'm too busy!
Ask someone else.
Not now!
Go figure it out yourself!
Your brother/sister can do that, why can't you!
etc., etc., etc.

This rejection is imprinted into the child's brain and emotional body and the belief that "I'm stupid," "I'm deficient," "I'm needy" in its myriad forms is brought by the child into adolescence and adulthood - at work, at home, at play and in relationship. The idea of "men asking for directions" when they're lost is a good example.

This dynamic is a deep-seated self-image and belief and telling one (or one's self) to "get over it", or "just do it" doesn't compute very easily.

On the other hand, giving for some is just as unhealthy...there are those who are unhealthy nurturers and give only for the sake of feeling needed and wanted (also based on a feeling of insufficiency, deficiency and lack --- childhood based)...they often neglect their own self-care in order to take care of the world. Some (in spiritual and alternative medicine/health arenas) say that breast cancer in some (read: some) women is based on their ill health due to incessant energy, and resultant stress, spent nurturing and taking care of the world to the point of physical, emotional, mental and psychological exhaustion...and neglecting their own health.

So, there's asking for help and giving, and there's asking for help and giving...

[Mary Jo Asmus]

Steve,

How timely. Another rason why some may not ask is the fear that they will be seen as "not knowing" how to do something, unable to buck up and get a task done, and therefore weak.

I just returned from working with a dysfunctional team (most are in some way.....) of alpha leaders who believe it is a sign of weakness to ask for help. You can imagine the problems this causes in developing a real, fully functional team!

[Sam Cox]

Is there, or should there be, a companion post about saying "No" to askers for help? How and when to say no? Saying "No" without feeling guilty or embarrassed? Saying "No" this once but leaving the door open for future requests? Saying "Yes" but not right now?

[peter vajda]

Hello Sam,

In response to your question, some areas clients and I work on around saying "no."

First and foremost, it's important that many are afraid to say "no," fearing that others won't like them or that they may hurt someone's feelings, or we will feel or be seen as selfish, feel we are letting others down, or we will perhaps risk a friendship.

Second, you cannot be responsible for how someone feels. Only they are responsible or accountable for how they feel – never you – never. So, if you're experiencing guilt you have some internal authority figure judging you or beating you up because you are saying "no." The question is where did this authoritarian judgment come from (mother , father, relatives, clergy, "god"…)that is on your case in the present moment?

Third, it's OK to say "no," (even when/if you choose not to have an apology or excuse). It's up to the other to respond to your "no." Not you (with excuses, rationalizations, apologies, etc.)

Fourth, fear of saying no is usually a function of being around parents or primary caregivers who were overbearing (or bullying). Too, if you are the parent and have been conditioned into never saying no, this will carry over into others areas of your life. Or, for women who were raised as "angels,", "sweethearts," "always the good one who took care of her siblings," etc., you may have taken on the self-image or belief that you are "lovable" only when you are being compliant and helpful. "People-pleasers" have their self-worth tied to how others feel about them, so they "aim to please." You create the expectation and conditions others to expect you to say "yes" in some way, shape or form.

Fifth, always saying "yes" is debilitating, exhausting and self-defeating.

When saying no:

·Be firm, assertive, but never aggressive; saying "no" is directly linked to self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. If you have an issue with your self-esteem, then it might help to look into it.
·Make eye contact
·Remember your needs come first, all things being equal.
·Keep the "no" simple - no lengthy apologies, or "asking for forgiveness or permission."
·Use strong body language. Speak from your belly, stand or sit up straight, focus on your belly (for strength and/or courage). Feel your feet on the floor for centering and grounding.
·If necessary, buy some time so you don’t feel under the gun. "I'll get back to you.." is appropriate. Then think of your options and what's do-able and not do-able.
·If you do say "yes," consider whether there's a middle ground. Discuss alternatives with your colleague(s). This is not your sole responsibility. Don’t give in or compromise if you don't want to.
·Respond to the request, not the person. Focus on the task, etc.
·Finally, be true to you! Be in integrity and honest with your self. If this is a major personal issue, then pursue it and see what's underneath your reluctance, unwillingness or inability to say no. Know who you are, what you want what you believe…and allow your response to =follow from your core values, beliefs and your integrity.
·Be respectful of the other(s). Be empathic of the other(s). This comes easier when we believe we have the "right" to say "no."
·Don't get emotionally involved. Know when you are becoming emotional and use tools and techniques to defuse, discharge, become present and grounded and not fall into limbic brain reactivity. Maintain your boundaries against other(s0 who might be abusing you verbally or otherwise. Observe your physiological sensations and body language.
·Be detached from the other(s), no attached or unattached. Detachment allows for empathy without "giving in."

Perhaps some of this might resonate…perhaps not.

[Sam Cox]

Peter, thank you very much for that thorough response and for the time and effort you invested in it. Saying "no" has always been hard for me. With your help, I now have a glimpse of why that is so.

[peter vajda]

You're welcome Sam. A glimpse is a great place to start. Glimpses can lead to wide-eyed awareness and understanding. I wish you well on your journey to "no."

[Becky Robinson]

Peter and Sam,
Thanks for your discussion about saying no. It's a lot to digest, but this is an area that I have been thinking about and discussing with a friend just today.

Peter -- one thing you say is to "allow your response to follow from your core values, beliefs and your integrity." This is something that makes a lot of sense. The thing is, first you have to have a clearly defined sense of your personal vision and values. Unless they are clear, it is difficult to use them as a basis for decision making. How much more meaningful, though, is the "yes" that comes from responding to a request that is in line with who you are at your core. I can imagine, as well, that a well thought out no would be a relief, as it would be more of a saying yes to other things in life, things more in touch with your life's vision.

Steve, it sounds like you will have a great response to your podcast on this topic.

[peter vajda]

Hi Becky,

The parent who is fair, just and firm and has a conscious sense of him/her self, for example, knows how to say no without all the drama and hand-wringing. The parent who is guilt-ridden and really has no clue as to who s/he really is, in their core, who has wavering or unclear or ephemeral values, is the one who is guilt-ridden, always second-guessing and all that.

We bring our biology and biography to all of life, to all situations at work, at home and at play. The person who has done "work" on their self, who truly "knows thyself" can say "no" without the experience of "relief." It's the child in the adult body, wearing adult clothes who goes through all the drama, agonizing, and emtional, mental, physical, and psychological stress around saying "no," fearing they will incur the wrath of an "angry parent" (i.e., spouse, child, friend, relative, boss, co-worker, actual parent, etc.).

Having a deep abiding sense of one's self, living a (core) values-driven life and a life "on purpose" is the key to making such decisions from a place of calm, inner peace and a healthy sense of well-being.

When we lack an internal harmony - i.e., when there is no alignment or congruence between what we think, feel, say and do, we are conflicted and then such decison-making is very challenging. It's not just about vision (the 50,000 foot level) but living this vision at ground level that allows for harmony and the peace that comes with making tough or challenging life-work choices.

[Steve Roesler]

Frode, Peter, Mary Jo, Sam and Becky,

Was out of the office all day yesterday but clearly unneeded here:-) I'm enjoying watching the discussion. This is the way it was meant to roll when a topic tweaks the mind and heartstrings.

Note Mary Jo's addition: "Another reason why some may not ask is the fear that they will be seen as "not knowing" how to do something, unable to buck up and get a task done, and therefore weak."

It's a definite update to the list.

[Shawna]

I know I'm writing completely out of the comment conversation but...

This is so true! I feel that more often than not we imply our needs and wait for offers of help, rather than asking straight out for aid. Whether this is because of a huge sense of pride, out of fear of rejection, or the assumption that no one will want to help is beyond me. But, for this reason, I feel that requests have gone down, saying "no" practices have decreased, and the probability of asking for help and receiving it has increased! (Either because people are "asked" for so little that they feel it is the least they can do when things are blatantly put out there, or because they just can't say no for other reasons...)

That being said, there's a hidden camera show (the name escapes me) that is fascinating. It has hired actors depict people who visibly need help through their actions and documents the behaviors and actions of the bystanders and onlookers.

Human beings are so fascinating. I feel like the majority of the people on the television show DON'T help. Again, I don't know whether this is because they don't feel it is their place, are scared of liability complications, or are just too lazy! Maybe it's because implied needs aren't as important or readable when coming from strangers?

-S

[peter vajda]

Hi Shawna,

One thought - we're taught as children to fear strangers, and for many it unconsciously carries over into adult life.

[Steve Roesler]

Shawna,

This actually gets to the heart of the post. There is a distinct difference between asking for help and implying that one needs help, then expecting someone else to guess what it is that you need. This is what "straight talk" is all about.

I would have to second Peter's observation. I spend a lot of time in large cities where people are openly experiencing some difficulty. And, I am inclined to help if the need is obvious or clearly stated (yes, there are scam artists but that is another topic entirely). What I've realized is this: the more confusing the situation, the less likely I am to hang in and get involved. This may be another element in play at the TV show you mentioned.

Thanks for weighing in...