The Act of Noticing

While everyone is blogging, Twittering or tweeting, linking in, booking their faces, and coming up with other digital ways to "connect", it would be good to ask: "Am I too busy to notice?"

I bookmarked an article last week that included solid research about the bulk of the population preferring to buy goods and services through face-to-face contact. Now I can't find it because I was so darned connected online I didn't actually pay attention to the title or where I filed it.

This leads into the video below. I was reminded of Emotional Intelligence pioneer Daniel Goleman's TED talk a couple of years ago. If you want to know the connectedness between emotions, business, and "noticing", this will be time very well spent. Close your door. Now. Tell you're boss you are doing professional development. You are.

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Comments

[Becky Robinson]

Speaking of Facebook, Steve, when are you going to sign up?

[Mary Jo Asmus]

OMIGOSH. I almost missed this post while I was twittering :-). I wonder what else I missed?

Seriously. Learning to notice is what we do as executive coaches, isn't it? Not only must we notice our clients, but we often must teach them to be more attuned to those around them.

There is a Budhist term called "shenpa" (I hope I spelled it right) that describes what happens when we get hooked (or our attention is pulled away). Fascinating how the internet and blackberries can do that. And when that happens, we've lost human contact. When we've lost human contact, we may lose our friends, and as leaders, we lose our followers.

So what is a leader if he/she doesn't have followers?

[peter vajda]

I second Mary Jo's comment.

However, there's one point she makes that I might reframe.

She says, "…when we get hooked (or our attention is pulled away). Fascinating how the internet and blackberries can do that. And when that happens, we've lost human contact."

How about, "When I choose to allow the internet and blackberries to do that."? As a coach, there are three qualities we focus on, which we discuss from moment one of the process and which consciously run as a thread thought the coaching process: honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility.

Self-responsibility on the part of a coach and the person being coached means that I am in control of my life and I am the "chooser" of my behavior, my reactivity and my responses to life and living.

If I am addicted to the Internet and blackberries, etc., that's my choice. Mine. Mine alone. Nothing or no one is "doing that to me", or "hooking me", or "pulling me away." I'm choosing to do it to myself and choosing the collateral damage (to relationships, human contact, spouse/partner, friends, etc.) that ensues.
Much like the alcoholic and addict so often needs to blame, so they can deny reality and abdicate self-responsibility, so does the internet addict.

Life is choices and we live and die by our choices. If I choose to get caught up, become addicted, become needy for online approval and to be seen, needy to "belong" and follow or be followed, which then interferes with my being out of balance and harmony, or to being irresponsible in my immediate life and relationships, etc., that's a choice.

Apologies for the mini-rant, but I deal daily with folks whose relationships at work, and at home, have been, or are being, destroyed buy an inappropriate and unhealthy dependence, and addiction to "things electronic." I'm currently working with the spouse of a well-known attorney who is beside herself because her husband is constantly checking his blackberry during what they agreed would be "quality time" at home, when they're facing each other and discussing their life! (He's addicted to his electronic leash.)

She's at her wit's end and his obsession with being connected 24/7 is the "straw that is breaking this camel's back" as she's considering separating. He's and his online buddies at work and play are crowding her out.

I have another client who suffered 2nd degree burns when she attempted to drink a cup of tea while texting. Did she need to text? No, she'll admit; but she just can't "stop myself" from checking and re-checking and re-checking her blackberry.
So, our attention is "pulled away?" No. The honest, sincere and self-responsible response is: "I'm choosing to give it away." And, for many, "I can't help it."
The sad thing, here, given the title of this post, is they aren’t even noticing.

They're unconscious. More's the pity.

[Becky Robinson]

Wow -- Peter, thanks for that. Addiction to all things internet is very insidious. Thank you for the eye-opening reminder. I am always encouraged when I see people set healthy boundaries with computer use. It helps me to realize that it is okay to decompress and disconnect from social networks regularly. What I miss online is not nearly as important as what I would miss with my family if I stay online longer.

[Jackie Cameron]

Great post and thanks for the link, Steve . I have read Goleman widely but never heard him...and I noticed how he speaks - how he is. He finished with 5 very powerful words "and so I am optimistic"...and so am I

And then reading the comments - and sometimes I don't stay around a blog post long enough to read the comments but I did this time . Peter's comment is wonderful. I hear people saying " I can't help it.." often and as Peter points out there is always a choice. I train managers to regularly tell me about the lack of time to do their job. They are looking for time management courses ( for someone to fix it) - when what they really need to do is sit back and work out what they are already doing with the time they have and decide on priorities. Possibly the act of reflection is something that needs to be explained.

And that brings me back to noticing. With what I call "protected time" - without access to e-mail, blackberries, i-pods.... I taught a class on skills for listening. One of the headings was "be present" - ie fully there with the person you are speaking with. One of the students in the class chose that as a topic for a reflective report and reading about the difference that made to his relationship with his team members was inspiring.

Thank you.

[peter vajda]

Related to Jackie's important point about "reflecting" related to time management, my perspective is that time management is never about time management; it's about self-management- always. Lots of folks don't like to hear that because then they have to deal with "me" as opposed to "time."

Self-management is first and foremost about values and then planning, organizing, prioritizing, scheduling and executing, when it comes to investing vs. spending time. Many just don't know how, or often even why!. Many folks are uncomfortable dealing with their values - discovering, clarifying, being honest and self-responsible about them, and living their life accordingly.

Presence, as Jackie suggests, is a critical element, as is honest, sincere and self-responsible reflection on discriminating and discerning what's important.

The all-important question for the time-management crowd is never what's next, but what's first. When everything's next (i.e., being value-less), as it appears to be for many, we suffer, on many levels. Not having taken the time to really, really understand what's first, and why, we then suffer the consequences. Everyone has the same amount of hours in a day. How I choose to invest in that time, or not, and why, results in benefits or consequences. Life is choices.

[Steve Roesler]

Becky, MaryJo, Peter, & Jackie,

This thread of deep conversation perhaps proves a point.

I'm squirreled away writing and have totally turned off all distractions: email, Twitter, checking comments...

As a result, two things have happened:

1. The discussion here has grown on its own and has sparked ideas for new articles

2. I'm getting done what I need to get done.

Becky: Regarding Facebook. I had an account and one day a very profane and humanly degrading series of messages began to display. Instead of messing with it I instantly closed the account. I have seen no change in business as a result. It remains closed and it's one less distraction.

[Miki]

Thanks for agreat article, Steve. I'm planning to quote 'Noticing' along with the link at Leadership Turn with a link back for the comments.

Americans have never been good at moderation and social media has become the drug of choice for millions. It may be free and legal, but it is causing the same kind of damage as those that cost and are illegal.

[Steve Roesler]

Hey there, Miki,

Well put and to the point. (I thought it might just be me).

Let me know when you put it up so I can follow the responses...

[peter vajda]

For me, personally, Steve, I appreciate your use of the descriptor "distraction" when relating your experience with Faceboook.

Our culture has made "distraction" an art form. Sadly followed by the "stories" we then make up to rationalize, justify and "authenticate" our unhealthy need for distractions: Facebook and social networking, TV, food, shopping, chemical and non-chemical narcotizations, etc. which we glom on to to remove us from our selves in order to robotically and unconsciously live a lifestyle, certainly not a life.

Miki has it right.

[Meg Bear]

Awesome reminder Steve. I personally have been working a lot to be more "in the moment" and paying more attention when I am. This is an outstanding reminder why it's so important.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

Miki wowed me with the "drug of choice" descriptor. I hadn't thought about it in that way yet it rings very true.

Combined with your "living a lifestyle vs. a life", the implications are profound.

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Meg,

Good to have you add to the conversation again.

That whole "in the moment" thing isn't overrated:-)