Conflict at Work?

Conflict is bugging people.

When I check out the search terms that have landed people here, I see an increasing number of "conflict" and "conflict at work" searches.

I've met people who claim that they like conflict. I really don't think so. They might like competition; they might like winning; but the idea of liking conflict in and of itself seems unhealthy at best and perhaps evil at worst. And since none of these people I know is particularly fond of "losing"--(a possible outcome of conflict)--I think that they are exhibiting a bit of competitive bravado. Which, of course, could be a major source of conflict.

What Is Conflict?

Well, we know it when we feel it, don't we?

Wikipedia has a lot of entires, info, and resources. They also offer here what I believe are good definitions and discernment of different types of conflict:

Definition: "When two or more parties, with perceived incompatible goals, seek to undermine each other's goal-seeking capability".

One should not confuse the distinction between the presence and absence of conflict with the difference between competition and co-operation. In competitive situations, the two or more parties each have mutually inconsistent goals, so that when either party tries to reach their goal it will undermine the attempts of the other to reach theirs. Therefore, competitive situations will by their nature cause conflict. However, conflict can also occur in cooperative situations where two or more parties have consistent goals. Why? Because the manner in which one party tries to reach their goal can still undermine the other.

A clash of interests, values, actions or directions often sparks a conflict. Conflicts refer to the existence of that clash. Psychologically, a conflict exists when the reduction of one motivating stimulus involves an increase in another, so that a new adjustment is demanded. The word is applicable from the instant that the clash occurs. Even when we say that there is a potential conflict we are implying that there is already a conflict of direction even though a clash may not yet have occurred.

What Does This Mean In Real Life?

Let's look at it this way:

1. Competitive conflict. We are at odds about the "what" question. "What" we want to do will diminish the other person's chance of success if we succeed.

2. Cooperative conflict. Now there's an oxymoron. This one is about the "how" question. "How" you want to do something conflicts with how I want to do it, or think it should be done.

These are classic because they reflect the ongoing tension between goals (what) and process (how).

3. Values conflict. An action or direction violates  "who" we are at our core.

What Can You Do?

(The examples below assume that those involved are people of good will).

Competitive conflict calls for the possibility of re-defining each others' goals. This is the notion of "win-win." It requires honesty about why you are trying to achieve something. Until you understand each other's "why" the "what" will seem conflicting and self-serving.  It calls for a willingness to have a conversation that exposes each person's vulnerabilities.  Someone has to go first.  If your conflict is about the "what," then why not go first? Heck, you're already in conflict anyway. What do you have to lose?

Cooperative conflict. This is where the control freak managers lurk in organizations.

Stay with me here.

I can't state this strongly enough. Job satisfaction and personal motivation are closely tied to one's ability to bring one's uniqueness to the task or team. When we sign on for a job, we implicitly  are saying that  we pretty much agree with the goals of the organization. What we want to do is  "ply our craft."  And that uniqueness comes in "how" we are allowed to perform the job to achieve the goals. A manager who has gotten commitment to the "what" and then wants to be involved in everyone's "how" is killing his  people's spirit and undermining the talent that they offer. (Note: certain jobs focused on safety and security do not leave room for personal creativity. I have often hoped that the pilot flying my plane was not feeling in a very creative mood that day).

What to do? Gotta have another conversation. Explain that the over-management is doing two things:

a. It is taking time away from you actually doing the job.

b. It is getting in the way of your ability to stay committed to what your boss wants to accomplish.

Then ask about your results. If you have a wrong perception of how you are doing, this is the time to get it on the table. If your boss tells you your results are good, then your boss will hopefully have an Aha! moment regarding your contributions.

The worst that can happen? You'll find out sooner, rather than later, that this isn't a place you want to be over the long run.

3. Values conflict. When asked to do something that violates your beliefs, you're about to experience a personal growth moment. Do you know why you believe what you believe? If you aren't sure, this is a primo time to find out.

Did you find out that your value wasn't really a value at all, or not in the way that you thought? Then maybe you can re-consider the request.

Your value is rock-solid? Then "no" is the only answer of integrity.

Conflict and Forgiveness

You may not be able to resolve the conflict, whatever it is. But how you respond will determine your peace of mind and ability to move forward. The act of forgiving following a conflict is important to your well-being.

Bitterness and self-justification will kill you from the inside out. You can't live well and help others if you are filled with bitterness. Life isn't fair. But it's a wonderful life if you choose to live it that way. And that means emptying yourself of real and perceived wrongs.

Comments

[Jamie Notter]

Great post, Steve. I like the distinction between what, how, and why in conflict situations, and particularly the value of exploring the deeper how and why issues before choosing your what strategy. And the point about forgiveness is spot on. One of the main lessons I pulled out of my work in the conflict resolution field is that forgiveness and reconciliation is probably the hardest part and the single most prevalent reason intractable conflicts persist (yet it did not get enough attention in that field. Hmmm).

I do want to push a little on the notion that no one likes conflict. I do think there are people out there who derive energy from conflicts. It's kind of like Introvert and Extrovert on the Myers-Briggs. It's where people derive energy or feel drained. Some people really do get energized from being in conflict situations, and as such often look for them (or start them).

And beyond that, I'd argue that conflict itself is not the problem--it's our response to conflict. Conflict, in fact, is good and a critical part of all of life, all relationships, and all growth and development (see my "Conflict is good" post: http://snurl.com/ru0p3 ).

Thanks for pushing the conversation!

[Wally Bock]

As with most things connected to leadership, what you do and how you do it both matter. I think Jamie's got a nice focus comment, though. You're going to have more than one person on your team, which means you will have conflict. As Jamie notes, it's not the conflict as much as how we react to it that matters.

[Steve Roesler]

Jamie,

You've got me thinking about some people "getting energized" by conflict in the the same sense as an MBTI preference. I think that's true and a good way to characterize it.

So now I'm thinking about the people I know/do business with who fall into that category--and there are lots of them. As I visualize their interaction (while simultaneously watching Monday Night Football) it occurs to me that I've never experienced them as seeming to be "in conflict". Instead, they strike me as folks who enjoy "recreational debate". As a result, the spirit of their interaction doesn't create the kind of tension that we commonly associate with conflict.

As you note: ". . . conflict itself is not the problem--it's our response to conflict." When people learn that lesson in all aspects of life, inner peace reigns.

Thanks for adding more depth to the topic.

[Steve Roesler]

Wally,

You say: "You're going to have more than one person on your team, which means you will have conflict."

It hasn't been all that long since "Managing Conflict" workshops were a staple of supervisory training. Given the gravity of your observation, one would wonder why that is no longer true.

[Mile High Pixie]

I'm noticing that a lot of folks are looking into leadership training and conflict management and resolution a lot more in the past year or so because no one can just up and leave their job, thereby leaving behind whatever poor leadership and destructive conflicts are taking place. To paraphrase Crosby Stills and Nash, if I can't work for the one I love, I'll work for (and tolerate) the one I'm with.

I think most people who come here are looking for help with conflict for two reasons: a) the conflict they're dealing with is destructive and not constructive, and b) someone they work with enjoys conflict in an unhealthy way. Just as criticism can be constructive or destructive, conflict can be the same way. A client can disagree with or be unwilling to accept the floor plan I draw for them on the grounds of X, but I keep telling them that my layout is better because of Y. When we begin to use this disagreement--this conflict--as a starting point to make a third and better solution that satisfies both X and Y, we engage in constructive conflict.

But the other problem with conflict is the person who gets a charge out of being contrary for its own sake, who thrives on the conflict as a way of "solving" it to make themselves look good or to show that everyone else on the team is inept. When resources get tight, it can bring out that quality in some people, and it makes the team dynamic become untenable. I'm betting these are about half the people seeking you out.

(The other half are people like me, who are using the down economy as a chance to not just survive but thrive and to build on their skills and abilities.)

[Steve Roesler]

MHP:

Hadn't thought of it in those ways. And any reference to CS&N is always bumps up the conversation.

What's clear from your description of these situations is:

a. Stress, regardless of the source, contributes significantly to conflict.

b. Some people are just jerks. If a manager sees this kind of behavior, it's something that needs to be addressed. if it isn't, the manager/management is complicit in the negative impact that it has on decent people.

Is your firm doing anything to help acknowledge the impact of stressful times and get some help to give employees and managers effective ways to deal with conflict and "take the air out of the balloon?"

[Mile High Pixie]

Steve, good question. My firm is a pretty nonconfrontational one in general, and it pains us at times, especially on those occasional days when all the partners go into a conference room ALL DAY--that usually means there are about to be some layoffs or really huge changes coming, and not happy changes. Those of us in the trenches talk amongst ourselves, but the smart ones of us (dare I say, that includes me) are doing their own stress and conflict management. We've decided that with conflict, we have to hang together or we'll all hang separately (thanks Ben Franklin!) and just take a deep breath and figure out solutions. Also, with almost half of our office gone, who are we going to have a conflict with? (e.g., the layoffs have actually gotten rid of many of the people with whom we might have butted heads).

Also, I and many of the folks who sit around me have decided to quit fretting after almost a year of economically-induced stress. We've saved up our layoff cushion to help pay the bills, we've paid down our financial debts as much as possible, we've adjusted to living on our lower incomes, and we still have jobs so we feel like we're doing something right and we're still appreciated. We've all slowly decided to quit letting that one source of stress--for the most part--get to us. Because of this new state, it seems like when we DO come to our bosses with a problem or conflict, they're more likely to take us seriously, offer good counsel, and listen. Not sure if I answered your question, but that's where my office is now.