You Feel How? Why?

 
How do you feel about your life: Bitter or Better?

Your answer will color everything about your existence. At home, at work, with friends.

Stephen Shapiro, author of  Goal Free Living, described a common life situation a while back in a post called The One-Third Life Crisis. It's about a successful (by any achievement-oriented social standards) guy who is a 33 year-old Harvard grad, pilot, board member, etc. But at 33 he described his life this way to Stephen:

Do well at Step A and you can proceed to Step B. Do well at B, and proceed to C. As I look back at my life so far, I realize that I was playing by a very narrow set of rules. And if I played by those rules, worked hard, and caught a lucky break or two, I’d be rewarded with plenty of wealth and prestige.

And that worked okay…for a while…until I began to have nagging doubts. “The Path” began to feel just a bit too narrow. I felt that I was always trying to do well in life in order to move to the next step. As a result, I had completely lost the ability to live in the moment or to appreciate success for success’ sake. And failure? Well, that wasn’t even an option. Most insidiously, I began looking at the people in my life only as potential allies (or, gasp, even pawns) in my quest to keep plugging along down The Path.

And here’s the worst part. I had completely lost my sense of risk, creativity, and wonder. So I felt that even if I wanted to get off The Path, I was woefully and utterly ill-equipped to navigate on my own. That’s the essence of the one-third life crisis.

What Are You Experiencing at 30? Or 40 or 50 or 60?

This isn't at all unusual. In fact, I became so fascinated by it that about 10 years ago I started looking into research that might produce a plausible, helpful explanation. This was prompted by what I noticed were increasing requests from successful 30-somethings within my client organizations who were expressing dissatisfaction with their circumstances. The stories were similar:

1. I'm not happy

2. I should be happy because I have a good job, make good money, home life is good; I've done everything I was supposed to do.

3. So why I am I feeling unhappy and stressed out?

Until About 30, You Don't Have to be You

Why?

Because you've got enough energy to do just about anything. And people let you.

Physiologically, you're on a roll. Psychologically, you're starting a career and a life. And guess what? Everyone around you will let you do your thing. Your family understands this. They allow you to "get your career started." Your boss loves this. And you are able to put in 60 or 80 hours a week at being really good at what you do. And you are probably doing pretty well. Heck, why not? Your sheer energy and time is compensating for a lack of genuine passion or talent. So if "it" isn't what you were meant to do--or consistent with who you are--you can't fake it forever (you don't know you're faking it. You are doing what you think people are supposed to do). At +/- 30 your energy begins to drop a bit. And you start asking questions about it. And you should.

Because growing up means being--and accepting--who you are. It's the only way you'll stay in the game and be happy about it. I've found that the most difficult--but most rewarding--thing that I've done personally is to answer this question:

"What are all of the things I think I am--but am not?" These resulted in a looonnngggg list of answers that combined bloated self-perception with lots of expectations from other people. Do it. It's a huge relief to get rid of the baggage.

Then change the question from "What could I do as a career?" to these three:

1. "What do I really value and see as priorities in my life?"

2. "What are my natural talents and how can I use them to support #1?

3. "What specific skills do I have--or need to get--that help support #2?"

If you get honest about 1, acknowledge 2 as not being boastful--but a gift--and use 3 in the service of the first two, you'll be back in the game.

And just in case math is your strong suit: draw a Venn diagram of Values, Talents, and Skills. The place where the three intersect is the actual "you." (You're welcome).

55: Bitter or Better?

A final observation.

Somewhere around the age of 55 people--and I see it mostly in men--decide to be either "Bitter" or "Better" about life. It's a choice. But it appears to be a choice based upon evaluating one's circumstances against one's expectations of how life should be (or should have been).

The distinction usually lies in a choice that was made to:

Live as one's self, and therefore feel better. There is only one standard and it will always be met.

Live according to others' expectations and one's definition of how things "should" be. This leads to a bitter outcome.

So what about our searching friend in the beginning of the post? It sounds as if he is choosing to ask the right questions at the right time. And he even has a group of trusted advisors to guide him and keep him accountable.

I'm guessing "better."

Comments

[Rodney Johnson]

Yes, we all have choices - some more than others. I'm almost 55 and I feel like I'm cranking up the intensity. It feels like I have more to accomplish in a shorter period of time, so I'm energized (at least most of the time). However, I also know many my age, and they're losing the passion for the game - almost a sense of battle fatigue setting in. So what is the right path for those that have lost the passion, but want to regain it. I have a few ideas, wondering what thoughts you might have...

[peter vajda]

Hi, Steve,

For me, a fascinating topic, actually.

I recall clearly one seminal book that piqued my curiosity about your questions, Gail Sheehy's Passages, in which Ms. Sheehy talked about phases of adult life. Based on the research of developmental psychologists and anthropoligists, she offered life as a series of developmental stages – an accepted way of looking at adult development today – stages that represent pivotal turning points when opportunities for growth are ripe.

It's part of one' spiritual journey, not just "chronological" journey (the reason so many have mid-life crises at 25!-having neglected the spiritual aspect of "growing up"). So, along with the chronological stages that appear at 20, 30, 40 etc., there are the states that accompany the stages where individuals early on create a "false self" and then as they grow older, and if they mature, create other ways to "be" – e.g., son, friend, father, colleague, mentor, community wise man, benefactor, True and Real Self.

Importantly, the stages are not malleable or transferable; however, states can occur at any time, during any stage.

From a more psychological/spiritual perspective, it's helpful if one is conscious as they navigate these stages.

So, the questions you pose should, theorectcially, have one answer: "It depends." Meaning? At which stage am I and what states am I experiencing?

Stages of consciousness measure our growth and maturity. In these stages, also measured chronologically, we move from "ego-centric" stages, to "ethno-centric" stages, to "world-centric" stages, and beyond. This is why, generally, but not totally, folks in their 20s will respond to your questions differently from folks in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. And the move through these psychological stages is developmental, one follows the other-no "skipping" or jumping around. Thye are sequential.

On the other hand, "states of conscioiusness" can be experienced during any and all stages and are accessed through spiritual practices – e.g., meditation or prayer; physical practices like athletics or yoga; or through the "sacredness" of deep intimacy, sexuality, and relationships.

The "it depends" response to your questions will always be a function of the state a person is in at a particular stage.

This is also why different folks interpret the same "reality" (event, circumstance, person, place) differently -as it depends on their state when they do the interpreting.

The "Is this all there is?" question, posed by folks in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc., will elicit different answers depending on the state (psycho/emotional/spiritual state) of the one inquiring. The person in their 20s might answer it with, "Heck, I'll just have to try a different drug…"; the person in their 30s, "Heck, I'll just have to try a different spouse/partner…" the person in their 50s "Heck, I'll work for the good of humanity insetad of just for myself.."

So, in my work and experience, and in response to the questions folks ask about, "What do I do now?", I say it depends on the level of "consciousness" (state) you are experencing at your current life stage.

So, in a nutshell, it's about relating the place where a person is in the course of their life (stage) with the issues they're facing and the state (psycho/emotional/spiritual) of consciousness where one is. The highly "conscious" person can successfully deal with or cope or resolve issues in their 20s whereas an "unconscious" person in their 50s or 60s, for example, mmay still react to life's issues and challenges as they did in their 20s with no appreciable resolution - as this unconscious person has often grown "old," but never "up" (i.e, matured emotionally, psychologically or spiritually). They are still "lost."

When we understand the nature of stages and states in life, we are more able to experience a true sense of well-be-ing whatever stage we happen to be in. The opposite is also true. Many folks unsuccessfully complete the various stages in their life as they have never become conscious, self-aware of their states.

So, for me, that's why the answer to these great questions is, "It depends."

[David Zinger]

Steve:
As someone who turned 55 3 weeks ago I am going better for sure. And I do believe it is being more comfortable with who I am and having a sense of direction and contribution to make. As the poet said, "grow old along with me, the best is yet to me."
David

[Steve Roesler]

David,

Having watched your writing, workshop activity, and EE community-building, I would say that your self-diagnosis is quite accurate!

Your remark about being more comfortable with who you are is also consistent with Peter's emphasis on "where one is"at a given time.

Here's to a great year ahead. . .

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Rodney,

Peter's analysis is very solid. Of course, the answer "It depends" isn't very satisfying to those wanting an answer, yet it is correct.

I'll give you what I hope will be helpful, since I spend a significant percentage of my time doing individual and corporate career coaching/counseling.

The intellectual part: A well-integrated career takes into consideration one's innate talent and learned skills;"best fit" organizational culture; and deeply-held values. More often than not, people look at one of those but not all three. So I use an instrument and a process that allows for the identification and integration of all three.

The spiritual part: There are seasons in our lives that are designed to put us in a place of discomfort. We don't like them because we seem to not be in control and somewhat adrift. That's the signal that it's time again for deeper reflection. What did we expect of life when we started "work"? What has changed? How have we changed? What is our purpose in life and what will, therefore, give it meaning? Some people honestly don't care about "meaning" from work; they simply want a certain amount of income to support those things that do offer meaning to them. But they have to be conscious of that fact and that "work" will, therefore, always seem like "work" and is a mere means to some other end.

Like you, I realized one day that my mortality was more than an intellectual acknowledgement. I am going to die. (When younger, it was sort of a "Yeah, I get that. Now it's a "Hmm, both my grandfather died at a younger age than I am now). So, what do I want my legacy to be for my family, friends, community, and associates?

What I believe to be true--and healthy-- is this:

a. As a young man, I said "What to I want to do?"

b. As a middle aged man, I asked, "What do I want to become?"

c. At this stage of life the question I ask is, "How can I use what I've become to leave those around me loved, stronger, and in a better place to live their lives?

Career questions need to be linked with "purpose" questions. And, one may wander the desert for quite a time before hearing a satisfying answer. The most difficult part for many is acknowledging that the desert experience is as important as an MBA and more profound in the long run.