Are You Grateful Enough To Be Happy?

What do you do when surprised with a gift?

And what if it's at work?

Yesterday I was getting a tour of a corporate university when my hostess, the VP of Learning, was approached by a group of 5 employees. The next thing I knew, one of the guys was reading a short, heartfelt note of thanks from the group for her learning leadership, followed by the presentation of a small gift.

I moved back a few steps so they could savor the moment together. It was clearly a total surprise to the VP. What surprised me was how quickly and deeply she expressed her gratitude, and how articulate she was. It was also more than I think I could offer, given the same set of circumstances. After the group left she continued to beam and openly, but humbly, verbalize her feelings.

Gratitude and Gender

Gratitude--the emotion of joy and thankfulness when responding to receiving a gift--turns out to be one of the foundational ingredients for a good life. This comes from Todd Kashdan, associate professor of psychology at George Mason University. In a recent issue of Journal of Personality, Kashdan noted  the research revealed gender plays a role. Apparently, men are much less likely to feel and express (my italics) gratitude than women. 

No doubt women everywhere are now going, "We already did that research."

In one study, Kashdan interviewed both college-aged students and older adults. He asked them to describe, then evaluate, a recent instance in which they received a gift.

What did he find?

Compared with men, women reported feeling less of an obligation and higher levels of gratitude when presented with a gift. Additionally, older men reported greater negative emotions when the gift-giver was another man.

Kashdan: “The way that we are socialized as children affects what we do with our emotions as adults. Since men are generally taught to control and conceal their softer emotions, this may be limiting their well-being.”

He also says that if he had to cite three factors that are essential for creating happiness and meaning in life they would be meaningful relationships, gratitude, and living in the present moment with an attitude of openness and curiosity.

What Does This Mean At Work?

Surveys consistently show that employees often say they don't receive any kind of recognition for a job well done. In many instances, survey data show that some bosses take the posture: "Why would I "recognize" you? That's why you get a paycheck."

Maybe there's more to this than just a lack of gratitude. If we follow the research, we're looking at a large portion of the population that may not even feel it to begin with. If this is true, then "a job well-done" is one more thing on the intellectual "checklist-of-life" and not something that will prompt recognition, even though that's all people may really need to get buzzed about their jobs.

So guys, the next time your wife or girl friend tells you what an ungrateful slug you are, at least you can respond with: "Yes, I understand the research indicates you are correct."

Let me know how that one goes.

If you enjoyed this, I think you might also like:

• Build A Culture of Thanks

• Performance Speaks For Itself...But Not At Work

• How Do You Measure Workplace Happiness?

And, if you'd like to learn more about the research above, Professor Kashdan has written a book titled “Curious?,” which outlines ways people can enhance and maintain the various aspects of well-being.

Comments

[Jackie Cameron]

I heard a story yesterday about a young man coming up to his first wedding anniversary. He had been urged by his Mum to thank his lovely wife by remembering to buy her some flowers ( money is tight) and he had promised to do so but when it came to it he didn't. But he told her that he had been going to...and that was alright then.

As i write this I have 3 thank you cards on the mantlepiece - and one is from a guy. He took the time to write it and I know I should not really say this but I was more impressed with that than I should be. For the reasons mentioned in your excellent post Steve - that is what we come to expect.

[Tom Glover]

At regular intervals throughout the year, our remote employees have a conference call with the president. During the call he talks about where we are as an organization. Every time we have such calls or in-person events, he ends each session with "Thanks for all you do." When you hear it over and over in the same manner, it starts to lose it's impact. But not the intent.

A couple of years ago, a new position was created for me to fill. A couple of weeks later I had occasion to run into the president and I thanked him for allowing me to move to this new position. Without hesitation, he responded "no, thank you" with a quizzical look on his face because it was clear to him that I deserved his gratitude for taking the position.

From that point on I have always known that no matter how many times he thanks us for all we do, he sincerely means it.

[Jackie Cameron]

I am so touched by Tom's comment....what a wonderful story

[Steve Roesler]

Jackie & Tom,

Your stories are both real-life, heart-level examples of how deeply gratitude impacts relationships.

Now I have to write a few thank you notes by hand. . .