The Paradox of Choices

The rallying cry of product managers and politicians is "Choices! We offer choices!"

My observation? 

We really don’t like having too many choices. It makes us a little nervous. Every option leads to a chance to foul something up. Heck, a lot of people are more worried about not being wrong than about being right. So, we allow our experiences and habits to narrow our options to just a couple of familiar ones. It reduces the anxiety and relieves stress.

So, how do you make genuine changes faced with the siren song of habits?

The first move is to re-capture your sense of conscious choice in place of habitual reactions.  This leads to new options and frees you up from repeating the mistakes that have risen from repetition.

Be aware: it's not a single event, but a way of life.

More Good Options Than You Think!

You can choose how to respond, regardless of the situation and circumstances. Here are some possibilities that can change your world today. None of the options is confusing and you have permission to pick just one to get started:

• Don’t take yourself too seriously. Try something new and different, and don't worry about getting it wrong. People who never made a mistake never made anything else.

• Caught up in your emotions? Over-enthusiasm, revenge, or frustration will each whisper lousy advice in your ear. Wait until they stop talking, chill out, and re-visit the decision.

• Listen longer before you respond to someone, at work or at home. The other person will feel more respected and you're just liable to see something from their viewpoint--in which case, you may end up in agreement. At the least, you'll learn something new.

• Eschew snap judgments. It's easy to take a stand; the workplace smiles upon "strong"people. But when it comes to who is right and who is wrong, a knee-jerk reaction can wreck relationships. Besides, do you like it when someone makes a judgment about you?

• Stop the self-talk about what you can’t do. Once you start doing that, you'll make it come true. Give your idea a try and see what happens. If it doesn't work, so what? Really. So what? If it does work, think about how you'll feel.

Now there's only one option: Will you choose to try doing something differently?"

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If this is something important to you, you'll also want to read:

Fear of Success and Lasting Change: Part 1

Fear of Success and Lasting Change: Part 2

Comments

[Bob Hall]

Outstanding post, reminding us to thoughtfully live our lives instead of just reacting or being drones.

"Eschew"...great word!

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Bob,

Glad it was a good reminder. And have been looking for a reason to use "eschew" for three years now:-)

[Susan Mazza]

Love how you phrased this question - how do you make genuine changes faced with the siren song of habits? Our habits are like a siren song that lull us into a daze. It is a way of life. That is why I don't think I will ever stop appreciating this topic because every time I read a unique expression of this age old wisdom causes an essential moment of reflection.

I enjoyed your way of talking about this topic. You provide some practical things we can all pay attention to that can make a difference in our ability to choose consciously.

Funny about the word eschew - Chuck Musciano (@effectiveCIO) had a post recently called Eschew Entropy and since then I have been looking for a reason to use that great word too!

[Steve Roesler]

Susan,

Thanks for taking the time to weigh in on this one.

Now that we have both proven that we have eschewed the procrastination of eschewing, isn't it fascinating how those of us in the business of helping people make changes still appreciate the challenge. Perhaps it's the ongoing awareness of our own struggles that contributes to the work we do. (I would like to think so).

Now, I've got to check out Chuck's post--thanks for that one.

[peter vajda]

Hi, Steve,

You suggest, "Caught up in your emotions? Over-enthusiasm, revenge, or frustration will each whisper lousy advice in your ear. Wait until they stop talking, chill out, and re-visit the decision."

I might offer another perspective. Sit with the emotion, invite it in, with curiosity, not judgment, see where you sense it in your body and notice correlary sensations-heart rate, breathing, your face, overall posture, emotions, inner dialogue, neck and shoulders....and then ask the emotion what it has to tell you. And Listen. Here is one key to working with emotions and learning and growing from experiencing them.

In my experience, when we bury or deny our emotions, we bury them alive...and they're sure to return and rear their ugly head again and again.

Sitting with emotions, seeing them as a welcome guest and learning from them not only allows wisdom to arise but over time two additional effects happen: the emotion does not return as often and when it does, the "charge" is not as great. Over time, for many folks, the emotion itself will metabolize and be greatly reduced, or even disappear.

Emotions can be the doorway in to self-awareness - the first step towards true change and transformation.

[Steve Roesler]

Peter,

Indeed.

I have a difficult time explaining that approach in writing, even though it's one that I embrace. I hope that our readers who "get" what you are offering will roll with it.

Thank you for the added enlightenment.

[Maurice Duffy]

Steve, I stumbled across your comments, and I feel that leaders have the emotional turmoil of personal internal paradox understanding whilst also trying to deal with the contradictions that come with the role

A leader, who needs to understand themselves also need to engage whilst driving hard, achieve loyalty whilst being tough, be inspirational without being the centre of attention, be transparent whilst being in control needs to consider these and the following types of questions.

How can we give direction without giving directives?
How can we lead by serving?
How can we maintain authority without having control?
How can we set direction when we don’t know the future?
How can we oppose change by accepting it?
How can we accept change by opposing it?
How can a large organisation be small?
How can a small one be large?
How can we be both a system and many independent parts

[Jim Ericson]

Hi Steve,

One of my all-time favorite cartoons shows a man at a fork in the road. The sign pointing to the path on the right says "To Heaven." The sign pointing to the left says "Seminars on How to Get to Heaven."

This has always reminded me that it is easy to get into the habit of substituting activity for accomplishment; endless data gathering for deciding and doing. In other words, some folks love it when you give them lots of choices; it makes it easier for them to churn today away, while hoping for a better tomorrow that will never come.

So ... I like the idea of waking up to my bad habits and making new choices ... and I need to remember that attending a new seminar or reading a new book or studying under a new guru is not really a new choice.

[Steve Roesler]

Maurice,

That's a very solid list of familiar CEO/Executive "self-questions." I really hadn't thought of it this way before--even though that's who I deal with--but much of the executive life is, indeed, dealing with such paradox.

Thanks for the insight.

[Steve Roesler]

Jim,

Gee, I'm heading out to conduct a seminar and now wondering about my decision:-)

I like your consistent reference to "new". Whenever it appears that there is a communal flocking to "the latest and greatest" in search of the holy grail, I'm immediately reminded of the wise Solomon who noted in Ecclesiastes 1:9, quite simply:

"What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun."

Thanks for weighing in...the cartoon example is a powerful one.