How To Measure Relationships

“It’s only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away.”
 --Maurice, Robin, & Barry Gibb, The Bee Gees: “Words”

Listen to the Lyrics

Do you want to know a way to check the depth of how someone is relating to you at a given moment? Just listen and check out their language. You’ll be fascinated at how revealing it will be. Here’s what I mean:

• When people operate at a surface level, they often share catch-phrases or clichés: “Well, the new design isn’t moving along too fast. But hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’ll hang in and hunker down; it’s all about ‘getting more efficient and effective’.”

• Move a step deeper and folks will offer some facts: “I want to improve the quality by 10%.” “Jessica said she’ll give us three people from her team when the software project gets approval.”

• More intimate: You’ll notice that you hear people offer personal judgments, opinions, and thoughts: “I’ve been watching your progress and I think you could use some help with the engineering. We’ve been getting some comments from the design folks who are concerned about the execution. Let’s see if we can get to the heart of this and make sure you get the results you want.”  “If the new talent development program isn’t in full swing by November, I believe we’re going to lose some people to our main competitor. They’re hiring.”

• Most intimate: Listen for people to actually express how they feel. “I’m fed up with trying to launch this program. It’s been a drain on me since I’m not getting the financial support we need. I’m even sorry that I took it on. Even my friends tell me my demeanor has changed. I need some help about what to do next.”

One more thought. You’ll be able to tell, over time, when others view their relationship with you more deeply. They’ll start using first-person pronouns more frequently: I, You, We, Us.

What cues have you become conscious of over the years?

photo attribution: Picture Sleeve and Album Art Museum 

What kinds of other cues do people send at work and what is "acceptable?" Check out FOT's Kathy Rapp and Thongs Need Not Apply. (Now I've got to change my Christmas list).

Comments

[ReadyTOFeedBack]

Fantastic tips to improve our self-awareness!

Thanks for sharing your insight, Steve.

Sonia Di Maulo

[Chris Bird]

The other cues that I have found helpful have been the verb tenses, moods and conditionals. Conditionals often signify equivocation. Equivocation is often a surface level communication. As the relationship deepens and becomes more honest, so the verbs become harder. We switch from the passive to the active voice (mistakes were made -> I screwed up). Equivocation like "I don't disagree" is a cue that the relationship is still surface. You know the other person disagrees but is not sure enough of the relationship (or his/her status in it) to come flat out and say it.

It is most important to listen, not just for the meaning, but for the linguistic and vocabulary choices people make (often unconsciously) to get to the real meaning.

[Kerry Palmer]

This is so thought provoking. It is so important to develop relationships as a leader. This helps us determine just where we are in that process.

Thanks for a great post!

[Steve Roesler]

Sonia,

Pleased that you stopped by and hope to see you again soon.

[Steve Roesler]

Chris,

Your explanation of the "I don't disagree" phrase is dead-on. That has always bugged me as being downright ingenuine. Your use of the word "equivocation" has helped me put it into a framework that fits our "surface" category.

Thanks for that one. . .

[Steve Roesler]

Kerry,

Your "where we are in that process" remark might just lead to a book chapter:-)

Thanks. . .

[Karl Staib - Work Happy Now]

We can gain so much information if we take the time to really listen. It's not easy because we are trained to speak up when we have an idea.

By taking the time to notice people's reactions we can truly gauge how involved they are. Love this tip. Never quite looked at responses in this way.

[Nancy Lewis]

Very interesting, as usual. This is great information, plus you introduced me to Kathy Rapp - what a find!

[Steve Roesler]

No charge for introductions, Nancy.

[Ben]

I am a big proponent of being analytical of others by reading into things. Good info.

Thanks for the post.

-Ben

[adenais]

This is a very informative post. Nice thought.