Want To Influence? Listen

"Every hour of every day, at every level in every organization, influential people succeed and
non-influential people don't." --Graham Roberts-Phelps

One of the golden rules of the counseling profession is that everyone needs at least one person with whom they can openly and unashamedly discuss every detail, fear, and desire. Being accepted, appreciated, recognized, respected, desired, valued, approved of, or complimented – all of these impact the depth of our relationships and, thus, the degree to which we can influence and be influenced.

I've coached executives and conducted workshops on all aspects of presentations for many years. One of the liveliest parts of the discussion emerges when I introduce the fact that influential presentations require at least as much time listening to the audience as speaking to them. For many, that's counter-intuitive to the common notion of influence.

Why Listen To Influence?

Because once you toss out your big idea, others have to process it according to what they need and want. 

The only way to arrive at a "meeting of the minds" is by asking questions and listening in a way that:

a. shows genuine interest, and

b. helps your understanding of how folks are experiencing "the big idea."

People don't want to be influenced by you; they want to be understood, determine that certain needs and wants will be met, and then decide to opt-in with you.

Former U.S. President Harry S. Truman summed it up the best. When asked his philosophy of leadership, he replied: "I find out what people want and then help them get it."

Want to build your base of influence? Find out what someone needs or wants and help them get it.

_______________________________

Dad update: Thank you to all who commented, prayed, emailed, and even phoned regarding my father's bout with recently-discovered cancer. I'm beyond thrilled to report that the tests showed that it had not spread at all, is in the first stage,and confined to a specific portion of this throat. He'll begin 6 1/2 weeks of radiation therapy on Monday and, barring anything unforeseen, the doctors believe he will recover 100%. We are thankful for that prognosis as well as the outpouring of friendship and ongoing thoughts and prayers.

Comments

[Chris Witt]

Steve,
On my website I wrote that listening is 80% of effective communications. An academician liked what I wrote and asked for the source of that statistic. Sadly, I had to admit I made it up. (If I had wanted it to sound like an actual statistic, I would have said 78.2%...) The point I was trying to make is the one you're making. Listening is important. For leaders. For speakers. For influencers.

I work with teams of engineers and scientists who are making oral proposals for large -- multi-million dollar -- contracts. The teams want to start their presentations as they typcially do: talking about their company, their capabilities, and their experience. (Me, me, me -- or in this case, us, us, us.) I get them to begin by detailing their understanding of the customer's situation, the problems they're experiencing, what they're looking and hoping for. (You, you, you.) Sometimes that means they have to go back to the customer, ask more questions, and listen some more. When the customer feels understood, they're much more willing to listen to the team talk about their solution.

Best wishes for your father's well-being.

[personal development guru]

I guess that's why we have two ears but only one mouth; to listen twice as much as we talk.
thanks for the post

[Steve Roesler]

Chris,

Thanks for the in-depth comment and the good wishes. I apologize for the delayed response; have been shuttling dad to appointments and now treatment.

Your example is much too common, eh? For years, companies seemed to feel the need to start off selling instead of understanding, whether in a one-on-one situation or a presentation as you've described.

Your clients are well served to heed your advice.

I hope they're heeding!