Got A Jerk In Your Work Life? Read This

I've worked with individual executives and groups for more than 25 years on "How To Deal With Difficult People". 

It sounds kind of grim but is really a lot of fun. Why?

Because everyone has someone who "bugs" them. And, when they think long and hard about it, what bothers people most is actually something they really don't like about themselves in the situation. There are lots of ways to have fun with this and learn a lot at the same time without navel-gazing.

What I like best about the approach we've developed is that it isn't about coping with jerks. Why settle for coping? It doesn't really change anything. 

Do You Want To Change Something?

Good. Then here's a little synopsis that I hope will help.

1. What drives your blood pressure north?

Identify the triggers that push your buttons by thinking about past experiences in which your "favorite"  person finally got to you. 

What did they do?  That’s different than why it bothered you. Simply identify their actual behavior.  Was it the way they approached you? Looked at you?  How did they look at you? Maybe it was a certain voice quality or tone of voice?

2. How did you react? 

Do you immediately blame them for how you feel?  Do you act distracted or quickly find a distraction? Disavow what’s really going on? When they do their "special" thing, what do you do in response?

3. What do you want from yourself?  

What’s the very best you can bring to the situation? Regardless of what they did, what would you do to be delighted with yourself after the interaction?

4.  What do you really want from them?  

Yeah, I know: "Stop that stuff!" 

Not going to happen. So, think about this relationship the way the Cheerios people do on their nutrition label. "What is the MDR (minimum daily requirement) of behavior you can hope for and accept? Then start expecting nothing more. (it's quite free-ing, really). 

5.  Has someone else learned a way to deal with this person?

 How do they do it?  Who might know how to do it?  Describe your situation in a way that combines "behavior-then-how-I-feel." No need to dump on the offender; besides, it makes you less attractive and less of a good candidate for help.

When you've reached a point where you have an approach, use it. We train our muscle memories to play tennis, golf, and other sports in ways that become unconscious.  You can train your nervous system in the same way. Think about this: if you do just one thing differently you may change the entire pattern.

Most importantly: Life is not what happens to us. It's how we respond to what happens to us.

And you are in charge of your responses.

Comments

[Bret Simmons]

You are of course correct, Steve, we own our responses. I hear this, I teach this, but I have a hard time practicing this when the situation involves someone I need to trust at work that lies. Still struggling with that one... thanks! Bret

[Steve Roesler]

Brett

Well, that's darned honest and, I must confess, it remains an ongoing struggle at this end as well.

[Denise Green]

I find that I often need a sounding board who will help me recalibrate my response (and not just vent with me). I created a tool for my clients (Thoughts Upgrade). I also try to imagine how the jerk might be suffering (to increase my compassion and lower my anger). Love this post! It's inspired me to write. I'll link back with access to the Upgrade Tool. Or, just ping me for it at denise@brillianceinc.com

[Travelloophole]

This post reminds me of how happy I am to be self employed! When I was still working for someone else, I did find solace in a book entitled - Dealing with people you can't stand: Bringing out the best in people at their worst. Just as you say in your post, the idea is the only thing you can control is your reaction to the situation. If we give our "Jerk" an unexpected reaction to their behavior, it can be great fun for you!
@Sorry Denise, I am too small for compassion. (At least for bad behavior in the workplace)

[Deannerosenberg]

Steve,

You are dead on with this advice. Conflict concerns so much more than simply reacting to a situation. Instead, you must redirect the behavior you are having an issue with. Finding a resolution is so much simpler than people make it out to be.

This is a wonderfully written article and I really enjoy your blog!

DeAnne Rosenberg
Author, "From Rage to Resolution"
http://fromragetoresolution.wordpress.com/

[Denise Green]

Compassion is hard but, like forgiveness, it's a selfish act as it brings us some degree of instant relief. One of my favorite related books is Difficult Conversations. Here's the strategy I wrote in response to this one. Hope it helps! http://brillianceinc.com/escape-your-thought-induced-trap/

[David]

I have a jerk in my workplace but luckily I don't have to see him often