Are You Sure You're Communicating?

"The two words 'information' and 'communication' are often used interchangeably, but they signify quite different things. Information is giving out; communication is getting through."--Sydney J. Harris

Communication: Don't Mix and Match Your Verbal Wardrobe

I want to offer an easy, uncluttered model to use when you want to bump up your communication game.

Think about your levels of interaction on a scale of Nicety all the way to Intimacy. One of the keys to keeping your interactions on target is making sure that you "meet people where they are" and not try to take them where you want to go before they are ready. (They may never be ready).

Here's a way to look at it on five levels of increasing depth:

1. Niceties. "Hey, how are you?"

"Fine,how are you?"

"Ok."

Polite acknowledgment of another person is part of social graciousness. If you or the other person doesn't want to take it any further, that's fine. Just don't mistake it for anything other than what it is.  But don't discount the social importance of niceties, either. It' s amazing how many people get miffed when they offer a "Hey, waddup?" and don't get a response.

2. Facts. If the other person is into facts, stay with the facts until (s)he moves on. If that's where they stay, just ask if there is anything that you should do with those facts.

3. Thoughts and Ideas. These are different from facts. They reflect what's going on inside someone's head. This is also where we get into difficulty by passing judgment on someone in the middle of their personal brainstorm. Stay in non-evaluative brainstorm mode with them.

4. Feelings. When people start expressing how they feel, you've hit a pretty high level on their personal trust scale. The best way to keep it is to acknowledge the legitimacy of how they feel. The best way to lose it is to tell them they shouldn't feel that way.

5. Intimacy. Familiarity that reaches a deeply personal level.

In the workplace you may not reach this level inside the confines of the office building. In fact, it may be totally inappropriate. But highly relational people can have a tendency to unconsciously go here because it's so innately comfortable and meaningful (for them).

I can't tell you the number of coaching/advising engagements I've had with people who have gotten themselves into difficulty at this level. They've said things that were taken as "way too intimate" by others. Fortunately, most well-meaning people "get it" when they are coached regarding the distinctions in levels and how other people may interpret personal warmth or familiarity.

If you want to keep your emloyer--and yourself--out of litigation, save your intimacy-level conversations for home and friends.

How to Use This?

The next time you're engaged in a discussion, pay attention to where the other person is operating on the "depth" chart.

1. Listen and stay with them.

2. If you want to move from one level to another, say something like: "We've been talking about the factual data related to the Romanian project. Would you be willing to hear some thoughts and ideas I have about this?"

They'll tell you if they need to play with the facts some more. And your question will be appreciated because it acknowledges that you've really heard them and aren't going to automatically step on their "stuff."

3. Building trust takes place at levels 3 and 4. The more time you can spend there, the closer the working relationship can become.

Share this with the people around you. It may get you out of "mix" and into "match."

 

Comments

[Chip Valutis]

Steve, I agree with your post. You are summarizing the points developed by Matthew Kelly in his book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy. It's a great read for those who want to learn more.

[Steve Roesler]

Hi, Chip

Thanks for stopping by. I'm not familiar with that particular book so now you've piqued my curiosity and I'll have to head over to amazon for a quick look. Always interested in well-written and researched books on deeper relationships.

Steve

[Scott Verrette]

Steve, I think you've captured a nice succinct model for "clean" and appropriate communication. The one thing that it did bring to mind for me is the tendency many people have to mistake thoughts for feelings. For example, the statement "I feel that you're making an important contribution to the team" actually is expressing a thought/judgment and not a feeling. Feeling words are solely variations on emotions such as sadness, happiness, anger, etc. Mixing the two easily can lead to messiness and potential unintended reactions in interpersonal communications since they represent two differing levels of intimacy.

In my graduate studies the communication model we were encouraged to follow always began with owning a feeling statement after which we could then provide the reason for our emotional state with subsequent thought/judgment statements. By following this model we always retain ownership of our feelings (and the power to control/modify them) rather than accusing/blaming/holding others accountable for our emotional well-being through statements such as "Your lack of contribution to the team makes me very angry."

[HR Software Solution]

I love how this is sort of a universal topic. Communication matters a lot - whether in a family, in a workplace, in relationships, friendships, etc - and this can't be stressed enough. Thanks for the article!

[Steve Roesler]

Scott,

Point well taken regarding the thought/feeling dichotomy, how to distinguish the two, and how to best express each for maximum connection.

Much appreciated. . .

Steve

[joy]

nice information

[Human Resources HR]

Communication is ever so important and you must get your point across firmly and fairly for results.