The Business of Forgiveness

Downsizing. Corruption. Bullying. Harassment. "Do more with less." Reduced benefits. Add to that list some of the people with whom you have to work every day (see Bob Sutton's No Asshole Rule). 

There's a lot of opportunity for anger and hurt on the job.

Where you find anger, you find the need for forgiveness. 

Why?

It's good for you. For your physical and mental health. For your relationships. For your ability to move on peacefully and productively.

Why forgiveness instead of revenge?

Christina M. Puchalski, M.D. is the Founder and Director of the George Washington Institute for Spirituality and Health and Assistant Professor of Medicine at the George Washington University School of Medicine. She says:

"On a personal level, forgiveness of self can help us achieve an inner peace as well as peace with others and with God. Wrongdoing against others and ourselves can result in guilt and resentment.  This can then lead to self-recrimination and self-loathing; it also can create a distance or disconnect from self and others. Resentment can give away to hate and intolerance. Forgiveness is the first stage of self-love and acceptance. It is also the basic building block of loving relationships with others."

It's not the offense. It's your response to it.

I confess, I'm not always a quick-to-forgive person once I've felt "wronged". I give people a very long leash and a long time to "get their act together" if things aren't going well. But there is some point at which I just say "that's it" and cut them off from my life. It is very infrequent, but the pattern is always the same. I decide that the differences are irreconcilable. So, the relationship in its present form is finished.

Does that serve me well? 

Only if I genuinely forgive. It is both possible and imperative to do that and, at the same time, acknowledge that the nature of the relationship may not be productive. This is the harder part, I think. It begs the nagging question, "If I can forgive, why can't I just continue?"

Sometimes it's possible. More often, it becomes apparent that I wasn't seeing clearly to begin with and that continuing the relationship--without changing expectations--would not be peaceful or productive for either of us.

Dr. Frederic Luskin specializes in Learning to Forgive. He explains that:

"The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health."

Dr. Luskin's 9 Steps to Forgiveness

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes--or ten years ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's fight or flight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize that "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. 

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Your workplace is a web of relationships. Being at peace with them can only make your own life a lot more satisfying, allowing you to have a positive impact on those around you.

photo attribution: www.thirdway.com 

Note: A version of this post appeared a few years ago here at ATW. After watching what can only be described as intentionally hostile, in-your-face "discussions" masquerading as "discourse" in the various media, I thought it might be useful to suggest ways of living life other than holding on to past sins, imagined sins, manufactured faux sins, and as-yet-committed sins. 

Comments

[Mary Jo Asmus]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the great reminders about an important topic we wouldn't normally discuss in the workplace. I appreciate your admitting your own failings in the arena of forgiveness. We all struggle with this - at work and in other areas of our life, and I've always thought that lack of foregiveness is a big source of problems in the workplace. I think this often happens because we put people in boxes and assume that their behavior is due to their character, rather than their circumstances (thus not allowing them the grace and potential to change their behavior). If we open up to listening and understanding others, we can open our hearts to forgiving too.

[Human Resources Management]

Steve
Thanks for the sharing useful details. I appreciate to your post. Forgiveness frees an individual from some of the harm that the offender caused and repays evil with good. I shared to my facebook Friends...

[new supervisor training charlotte]

Awesome article! You are so right... forgiveness is necessary in the workplace and if every of aspect of life. Thank for sharing!

[Steve Roesler]

Mary Jo

Pleased that you took time to add to the topic. As you might imagine, this was prompted by a recent client team meeting that wasn't going to go anyplace until we directly discussed the need for forgiveness and didn't tiptoe around as if it were something we saved for our "personal" lives.

[James]

Forgiveness is truly divine! Forgiving rather than taking revenge offers great benefits. Thanks for writing about the significance of forgiveness and how it can help achieve success both in personal and professional life.

[Marios Alexandrou]

Bullet 3 is the one that I think most people don't get. I didn't get it either until a few years ago. I had always assumed that forgiving meant being buddy-buddy again with the other person. And then bullet 8 is what I think is actually the most important reaction -- if we let the incident follow us through our time at work and even bring it home with us we're just going to be miserable for no good reason.

[Steve Roesler]

James, I'm pleased that you were touched by the post and appreciate you offering the encouragement.

[Steve Roesler]

Hello, Marios

That is an important point, eh? Why be miserable instead of happy if you have the choice?

Thanks for checking in,

Steve

[Marvin]

The older I get the easier forgiveness is to give. When you look at the big picture, the small things (which includes,in my opinion, almost everything in a business setting) don't seem to matter as much. Time, or the lack of it, is a very powerful
influence.

[Labor law posters]

In today's workplace you can really not expect much from other people. The recession has made the office more competitive and people are not quick to forgive one another. What advice do you have for dealing with a fellow coworker that will not just let bi-gones be bi-gones?

[Business Attorney]

well said points i couldnt agree with you more.

[Steve Roesler]

Labor Law Posters:

Hmm. I think it might be helpful to know the depth and breadth of the bygones.

[binay]

Lovely, definetly this keeps and gives a lot of impact if one follows then for sure
its gonna be living in peace

[RevDella]

Forgiveness is one of my top spiritual practices. I use it regularly and I encourage my students to do so also. I not only apply forgiveness towards people, but also to situations. I know that if I have very strong negative feelings towards anyone or anything, I am actually binding it to me.

Any time you hold strong negative feelings of anger, resentment, criticism, injustice, or the desire for revenge, not only does the other person feel it, but you are also adding emotional fuel which can inflame the situation even more. Practicing forgiveness is the way to put out the emotional fire. Forgiveness frees you from the negative feelings and it opens up a way for peace and harmony to take its place.

[Business development manager]

Forgivness is truly a bliss, i which i had the self control to practise it more. Every now and then i catch myself feeling resentment over a meaningless argument and i think to myself, what am i doing