Ask For Help

We all need help: managers delegate (it's really about help), team members collaborate, and it would be great if our kids would take the trash out for us.

Yet asking for help seems to be unbelievably difficult for many. To some it's embarrassing; others see it as a sign of weakness; and there are those who fear the sense of rejection that comes from "no".

If you think about it you'll realize that most people are willing to help most of the time. After all, aren't you?

A Helping Hand

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology  shows that we vastly underestimate just how willing others are to lend a hand.

In a series of studies Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake of Columbia University tested people's estimates of how likely others were to help. They recruited people to ask others to fill out questionnaires, borrow cell phones and even escort them to the gym.

The result: people underestimated how likely others were to help them by as much as 100%.

So, what's going on?

It's embarrassing to say "'no"

We find it difficult to understand what others think and feel because we are kind of stuck inside ourselves. We may not like to think of ourselves as egocentric, but we all are to varying degrees.

The researchers say it's more than that. We also underestimate just how much social pressure there is on other people to say "yes". In effect, when you ask someone to help you it's a lot more awkward for them to say "no" than you might imagine.

Two Practical Tips For You

1. When you want help, just ask. People are much more likely to help than you think (especially if the request is relatively small). Most people gain pleasure in helping others who have a need.

2. Make it easy for people to say "no". Here's the flip side: most of us don't realize just how hard it is to say "no" to a request for help. People feel more pressure to say "yes" than we realize. If what you are asking for really may be a burden, think of ways to make it easier for the person to say "no".

Note: In the workplace, goals and deadlines may not be negotiable. If you are a manager you need to look at what you are delegating, the totality of activities an employee has to do, and set priorities. It's popular to parrot, "Do more with less."  In this case, the "less" is time. Can your employee or team achieve the standard of performance by doing more with less time? Get clear about what's most important.

 

Comments

[team building consultant]

I agree w the bit about saying no. That is a very, very difficult thing to do. You just end up thinking of the possible consequences of saying no!

[career descriptions]

Lovely tips given. I am much informed.

[MicroSourcing]

This becomes especially harder in the workplace, where people are compensated for the work they put in. Asking for or giving help becomes a question of business ethics because there's money and resources involved.

[Wesley Connell]

This idea is a bit deeper than most people think. I think about the person at work who needs to feel in control of all aspects to ensure the quality of the end product. While it is great to be able to guarantee the final product, creating an artificial bottle neck by forcing a hub and spoke model will only create added pressure to work harder. The idea of asking for help is a signal of trust and respect that you believe the person you are asking has the ability and willingness to complete the task to the required level. Not only will asking for help create a more mutual respectful workplace, it will also relieve some of the pressure off of the bottleneck. Most Lean practitioners talk of "Respect for People" and this idea of open conversation in asking for help, especially with the added caveat of making it easy to say no, managers are building the mutual respect needed to grow a continuous improvement culture.

Thanks for the post Steve!

[HomeInspectionsHomerGlen]

I have to say I have fallen victim to what you are saying so many times myself. I often fail to ask for help, trying to take on everything myself and believing everyone else is too busy to care if they don't ask.

Unfortunately it leads to a moment of which I become very stressed and push all that frustration out on the people around me who do what? Help...haha.

[Mads]

One of the most important lessen in life... when you need help, all you gotta do is ask!