Leadership, Happiness, and Satisfaction

Every so often I check the statistics here to discover what search engine queries bring people to All Things Workplace. I figured that the keywords were going to be mostly "leadership" or "management".

Wrong.

"Job Satisfaction"..."Happiness at Work"..."Where Can I Find the Best Job?"..."Strengths and Weaknesses"..."How Can I Find A Job Where the Boss Listens to Me?"...those are the themes. Career issues--sometimes disguised as communications--turned up on a second page of searches.

(Click on image to enlarge)

Make no mistake. People are searching for how to feel good at work. We want to do well...and we want to feel good in the process.

But these are leadership and management issues. What people are saying is: "We want to be in a place where the "orchestration of work" allows us to contribute our talent. There are times when we need direction and times when we need to improvise our own riffs."

Think about two variables

There's a relationship between how much people enjoy their jobs and how well they perform. That's not a mystery. But there is a dynamic you need to know about in order to manage yourself and others:

1. Some people have to feel good about their job and their workplace before they can get busy and perform at their max.

2. Others have to have to first achieve super results in order to feel good about their jobs.

It's a "Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?" phenomenon. I picked up on this during a stretch where I was diagnosing "performance issues" for a client.

My conclusion: Managers hadn't caught onto the validity of the two approaches to performance. Naturally, the "feel good first" people were perceived as weenie-like non-performers. However, they actually had a huge commitment to doing well. They just needed something else to help them be able to get there.

What was it? They wanted the managers to understand who they were and what made them tick. That went along way to having the "right feeling" about the job.

The second category of people wanted a scorecard. They weren't about to "feel" good until they checked off their tasks and accomplishments.

Target yourself and your people

1. Which approach most naturally fits you? Figure out what that means to the way you work and the way your work is managed. Then talk with your manager about your desire to excel and how you might use this natural preference to make that happen.

2. Managers: The next time you're in a meeting (or one-on-one), have an informal conversation about the two approaches. Let people talk about what comes first for them. You'll learn a lot about how to manage each person; and they'll get more of what they need in order to hit the top of the job satisfaction/high performance curve.

Punchline: First, know yourself and your own preference. Only then will you have a solid point of reference for understanding the distinctions of the people around you.

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Change How You Deal With Difficult People

I've been presenting a program for clients on "How To Deal With Difficult People" for more than 20 years.

It sounds kind of grim but is really a lot of fun. Why?

Because everyone has someone who "bugs" them. And, when they think long and hard about it, what bothers people most is actually something they really don't like about themselves. There are lots of ways to have fun with this and learn a lot at the same time without navel-gazing.

What I like best about the approach we've developed is that it isn't about coping with jerks. Why settle for coping? It doesn't really change anything.

Do You Want To Change Something?

Good. Then here's a little synopsis that I hope will help.

1. What really drives your blood pressure north?

Identify the triggers are that push your buttons by thinking about past experiences in which your "favorite"  person finally got to you.

What did they do?  That’s different than why it bothered you. Simply identify their actual behavior.  Was it the way they approached you? Looked at you?  How did they look at you? Maybe it was a certain voice quality or tone of voice?

2. How did you react?

Do you immediately blame them for how you feel?  Do you act distracted or quickly find a distraction? Disavow what’s really going on? When they do their "special" thing, what do you do in response?

3. What do you want from yourself? 

What’s the very best you can bring to the situation? Regardless of what they did, what would you do to be delighted with yourself after the interaction?

4.  What do you really want from them? 

Yeah, I know: "Stop that stuff!"

Not going to happen. So, think about this relationship the way the Cheerios people do on their nutrition label. "What is the MDR (minimum daily requirement) of behavior you can hope for and accept? Then start expecting nothing more. (it's quite free-ing, really).

5.  Has someone else learned a way to deal with this person?

 How do they do it?  Who might know how to do it?  Describe your situation in a way that combines "behavior-then-how-I-feel." No need to dump on the offender; besides, it makes you less attractive and less of a good candidate for help.

When you've reached a point where you have an approach, use it. We train our muscle memories to play tennis, golf, and other sports in ways that become unconscious.  You can train your nervous system in the same way. Think about this: if you do just one thing differently you may change the entire pattern.

Most importantly: Life is not what happens to us. It's how we respond to what happens to us.

And you are in charge of your responses.

Go for it!

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Non Verbals Across Cultures: Start Teaching It

It's easy to misunderstand someone from a culture different than your own--especially when it comes to non-verbals. 

Despite this, there's not much intentional training on nonverbal behavior in global corporations. Perhaps there should be. I recall my initiation into this special "world" as a new  management trainer in Saudi Arabia in 1979. Since then, the whole idea of cross-cultural teams and travel has become the norm. I'm not so sure that the same is true with purposeful understanding. Here's my Day One experience; perhaps you've had a similar one:

Real Life

Our support staff was made up entirely of Indian, Bangladeshi, Pakistani, and Thai folks. When addressing the group about an administrative problem, the silent responses ranged from a head shake (Indian) to downward stares (Pakistani and Bangladeshi) to a bright smile from our Thai guy. I took this to mean lack of concern or a misunderstanding--perhaps I wasn't speaking clearly. I finally left the discussion puzzled by what appeared to be a collective lack of concern.

By the end of the day the situation was, without fanfare, totally resolved. Huh?

It was only later that another native English-speaking manager with considerably more experience sat me down and gave me a million-dollar lesson in cultural non-verbals. He shared that the Thai smile signaled an apology; the Indian head-shake wasn't a "No" (a U.S non-verbal) but in fact a "Yes, I understand." The other two fellows were from cultures that didn't value constant eye contact while being engaged--but they were listening carefully and clearly engaged.

Teaching and Learning, Explicit or Implicit?

So: is non-verbal behavior something that can accurately be picked up by informal exposure to other people or does it need to be specifically taught?

A study by  Damnet & Borland (2007) (don't seem to be able to access this any longer) suggests it may be better to teach nonverbal behavior explicitly.

This study examined Thai university students learning English as a foreign language.

One group saw videos of native English speakers along with being taught the meaning of the words. While they were not explicitly taught the nonverbal communication, they were implicitly exposed to it.

A second group was purposefully taught about nonverbal communication in addition to learning the grammar and vocabulary. It was this second group that showed the best understanding of nonverbal communication.

In Organizations, It Matters

It can be tough enough during meetings and normal interactions to interpret the nonverbal cues from our own culture . Add the global nature of doing business and one would have to ask: Wouldn't it make sense to simply put this out there as a training program? It could be a lot of fun as well as highly educational in a way that would reduce unnecessary misunderstandings.

Add your own examples to the comments. It would be a big help to readers everywhere.

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Recognize the Seven Universal Emotions

This is useful to everyone, especially in a career world that is so overwhelmingly global.

You'll find "experts" on body language and rants about the meaning of this gesture or that one. Much of this is true, with one huge caveat: you have to be patient and carefully synthesize the totality of the gestures and mannerisms in order to develop some degree of accuracy.

If you are making a presentation, running a meeting, or in a management discussion, it may be more helpful to know what emotions are universal. This gives you a better chance at narrowing the possibilities of what kinds of responses you are really seeing. So, here goes.

The Seven "Universal" Emotions

These are common throughout all people and cultures:

• anger     

• contempt

• disgust

• fear

• happiness

• sadness

• surprise

Here's where it gets tricky:

There are 10,000 different facial expressions. About 3000 of these facial expressions are relevant to emotion and most people use only 50-60 in normal conversation. Those 50-60 do relate to the seven universal emotions.

These expressions can be "macro" expressions which last 1-3 seconds or even longer. An example would be a smile. The question: "Is the smile real or fake?" If fake, what does that mean? (Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; people simply want to be polite).

We also make micro expressions that give up our more hidden feelings. These are like reflexes, because it's very difficult to stop them from happening since they are part of our brain's hard-wiring. That's why we get a "feeling" when we watch small discrepancies between someone's words and their expression.

These expressions last only 1/25th of a second. (That is faster than an eye-blink). Most people can't pick up micro expressions consciously. When viewed on film and played as slower speeds, these expressions look just like macro expressions. Many homicide detectives do this. If you don't happen to be looking for a serial killer, it's still a great way to watch what signals you give off when you are speaking or running a meeting.

How to Use This

The seven universal emotions are the ones that are most important to you. You want to know whether someone is angry, happy, etc., with your interaction. Memorize the list (or carry a cheat sheet) and increase your awareness of these.

Do: When you think you have enough visual information to believe that the person--or people--are, say, "surprised", don't make the assumption that you are correct. Instead, matter-of-factly state your observation: "You know, I'm watching the response to this slide and am getting the sense that maybe you are a bit surprised. Is that so?" This will lead to affirmation or will yield other responses that will help you--and them--stay or get on track. 

Don't: Try to be magically clever and tell them  you know how they feel. The last time you did that with your spouse or significant other, how'd that work for you?

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Change and Generational Differences

Is it more difficult to make changes after the age of 30?

The answer is "yes" according to some new research.

The Scientific American Mind ran an interesting article on why change is hard and suggest that most of us experience reduced "openness" after our twenties.  The article is currently available for review here

Here is a quote:

"Once a family and career are in place, novelty may no longer be as welcome. New experiences may bring innovation and awakening but also chaos and insecurity. And so most people dream of novelty but hold fast to the familiar. Over time we become creatures of habit: enjoying the same dishes when we eat out, vacationing in favorite spots and falling into daily routines."

I'm not sure this is a revelation but I do think it's well-stated and to the point. We all gravitate toward anchors of stability in life-- people and places with whom we feel secure. The research implies that through our twenties we're sort of roaming and looking for experiences. What we're also doing is taking in those experiences and making sense out of life...which then moves us toward a chosen "lifestyle" and  increased stability.

What this also implies is that, like all preceding generations, Gen Z will no doubt look at Gen Y as "the traditionalists".

What Does This Mean for the Workplace?

Read the italics carefully. Although we become creatures of habit the research says that "novelty may no longer be as welcome" and that most people still "dream of novelty."

That's why we need to spend time with, and listen to, the newest generation in the workplace. They are the ones who will ignite the dreams and bring the novelty into our lives and businesses. Instead of saying, "We can't do that here" replace it with, "How would you do that?"

Then sit back and listen.



The article by Nikolas Westerhoff was published in the December 2008 edition of Scientific American Mind.

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Is it more difficult to make changes after the age of 30?

The answer is "yes" according to some new research.

The Scientific American Mind ran an interesting article on why change is hard and suggest that most of us experience reduced "openness" after our twenties.  The article is currently available for review here

Here is a quote:

"Once a family and career are in place, novelty may no longer be as welcome. New experiences may bring innovation and awakening but also chaos and insecurity. And so most people dream of novelty but hold fast to the familiar. Over time we become creatures of habit: enjoying the same dishes when we eat out, vacationing in favorite spots and falling into daily routines."

I'm not sure this is a revelation but I do think it's well-stated and to the point. We all gravitate toward anchors of stability in life-- people and places with whom we feel secure. The research implies that through our twenties we're sort of roaming and looking for experiences. What we're also doing is taking in those experiences and making sense out of life...which then moves us toward a chosen "lifestyle" and  increased stability.

What this also implies is that, like all preceding generations, Gen Z will no doubt look at Gen Y as "the traditionalists".

What Does This Mean for the Workplace?

Read the italics carefully. Although we become creatures of habit the research says that "novelty may no longer be as welcome" and that most people still "dream of novelty."

That's why we need to spend time with, and listen to, the newest generation in the workplace. They are the ones who will ignite the dreams and bring the novelty into our lives and businesses. Instead of saying, "We can't do that here" replace it with, "How would you do that?"

Then sit back and listen.



The article by Nikolas Westerhoff was published in the December 2008 edition of Scientific American Mind.

Help and How to Ask For It

We all need help: managers delegate (it's really about help), team members collaborate, and it would be great if our kids would take the trash out for us.

Yet asking for help seems to be unbelievably difficult for many. To some it's embarrassing; others see it as a sign of weakness; and there are those who fear the sense of rejection that comes from "no".

If you think about it you'll realize that most people are willing to help most of the time. After all, aren't you?

A Helping Hand

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology  shows that we vastly underestimate just how willing others are to lend a hand.

In a series of studies Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake of Columbia University tested people's estimates of how likely others were to help. They recruited people to ask others to fill out questionnaires, borrow cell phones and even escort them to the gym.

The result: people underestimated how likely others were to help them by as much as 100%.

So, what's going on?

It's embarrassing to say "'no"

We find it difficult to understand what others think and feel because we are kind of stuck inside ourselves. We may not like to think of ourselves as egocentric, but we all are to varying degrees.

The researchers say it's more than that. We also underestimate just how much social pressure there is on other people to say "yes". In effect, when you ask someone to help you it's a lot more awkward for them to say "no" than you might imagine.

Two Practical Tips For You

1. When you want help, just ask. People are much more likely to help than you think (especially if the request is relatively small). Most people gain pleasure in helping others who have a need.

2. Make it easy for people to say "no". Here's the flip side: most of us don't realize just how hard it is to say "no" to a request for help. People feel more pressure to say "yes" than we realize. If what you are asking for really may be a burden, think of ways to make it easier for the person to say "no".

Note: In the workplace, goals and deadlines may not be negotiable. If you are a manager you need to look at what you are delegating, the totality of activities an employee has to do, and set priorities. It's popular to parrot, "Do more with less."  In this case, the "less" is time. Can your employee or team achieve the standard of performance by doing more with less time? Get clear about what's most important.

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5 Tips to Ethical & Successful Influence

I was just asked how I built our speaking/consulting/coaching practice over the years (we incorporated and began it part-time in 1977).

Here is the answer:

I didn't know what I was doing. So I just did whatever I knew.

Looking back, the answer is clear:

a. I wanted to use my expertise to help people.

b. I had to do 'a' for money.

c. In order to do 'a' and 'b', people had to know me, trust me, and believe me/experience the results.

It would be easy to wax poetic about a structured business plan (didn't have one), raising capital (got a $5,000 loan on a handshake with the president of the local bank), or the drop-dead marketing plan (I just wanted to do what I wanted to do).

There are only five things that have been consistent and that I find haven't--and shouldn't--be changed.

1. First impressions are made within about four seconds but  can last a lifetime. Create first class relationships, presentation materials, and now a top-notch online identity. Only hire primo individuals as employees or contractors; they are who your clients will use to judge your business.

2. Stand for something unique. Differentiate in a way that resonates with your community without being whacko-trendy. (Unless, of course, your product or service is "whacko-trendy").

3. Network and do business through referrals. Your introduction to an opportunity changes how you are perceived and treated. Too many coaches, consultants, and training people cold call the world instead of networking with targeted groups of individuals who can be both informative and valuable connectors.

4. Let clients experience your performance. If they take your services for a test drive they will likely want more of you down the road.

5. Don't sell your services; build friendships. People do business with those who they consider their friends. Most people attribute positive attributes to all aspects of a person's abilities if they first approve of that person's character and personality. Pay attention to the depth of your character; your personality will reflect it.

Whether you are starting a retail business, a consulting practice, or interviewing for your first job, invest yourself in these five activities. No matter what is happening around you continue to hold fast to them. They have proven faithful for 32 years as long as I remain faithful to them.

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Even More: Honesty, Boldness, and Sins of Omission

It's clear that people do want to deal with truth, not a sanitized version of it.

Honesty, Boldness, and Sins of Omission generated comments that went below the surface to address, well, some truths.

Wally Bock and Dan Erwin weighed in with workplace and personal examples. I'm going to use both to hopefully shine even more light on the issues.

Dr. Peter Vajda  works with local business professionals in the Atlanta area on these issues quite frequently. Here is what Peter adds:

Few People Know How

My experience says few folks know how to have a conversation that may be uncomfortable...at work, at home, at play or in relationship...most avoid difficult conversations...the major reason being they never felt comfortable around conflict growing up..or learned how to "be" with conflict...and now as an adult, this "child-ish" reaction leaks out when the idea of conflict arises...leading to avoidance, excuse-making for not broaching it, or coming across like a sledge hammer....all defensive mechanisms.

What To Do that Is Helpful

1. Be conscious of any type of "history" (bad blood, resentment, jealousy, etc.) between you and the person with whom you want to have this conversation. If there is history, creating a container of safety will be challenging. Building that container will take time and it's wise to do so before having the "conversation." You'll need to create a bridge of trust and respect before having that conversation.

2. If you have behaved inappropriately or have contributed to any aspect of the issue, then you need to own that.

3. It's important that your motives are pure and heart-felt. If you make this a right-wrong, me vs. you, win/lose type of experience, it won't work. So, you might ask three questions: (a) what do I want for me? (b) what do I want for the other person? (c) what do I want for our relationship? All responses should have some degree of mutual coming-together "for the good of the order" perspective. Else, just more conflict or misunderstanding and mistrust.

4. Speak about specific measurable and observable behaviors...not attitudes or personalities.

5. Use a "soft" start-up. John Gottman, in "The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work" (tools and principles that can apply as much to the workplace as home) speaks about the soft start up. Beginning a conversation without any flavor of: contempt, criticism, defensiveness or stonewalling. A "harsh start-up, on the other hand leads to emotional reactivity, emotional flooding and only creates distance between those involved. So, it's not about being "diplomatic". It's about NOT being critical or expressing contempt, even in a masked or subtle manner. No subtle or overt attacking - making the other feel "bad" or "wrong."

6. Most conversations that deal with conflict end the same way they start. So, if they start "softly", they'll most likely end that way...ditto, "harshly."

7. There's a way to complain, without being critical, without blaming, evaluating or judging. John Gottman's book as well as "Non-Violent Communication" and "Crucial Conversations" (Google, if interested) deal with this.

8. Do it now. Storing things up only serves to create cortisol and leads to stress and most probably a less-then-pleasant interchange.

Thanks, Peter.

What are your experiences with honesty and discussions?

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Honesty, Boldness, and Sins of Omission

Do you ever think back on a situation and ask yourself, "Why didn't I say_______?"

We humans have a tendency to want to make things "nice". So we rationalize by committing a sin of omission: not telling the whole truth.

How does this happen?I

There are certain people in our lives who make us feel like being completely honest would harm the relationship with them.  So we smile and hold back the tougher parts of the truth. Then we walk away having to live with a sense of nagging  disappointment.

But it can have even greater consequences.

Why?

Because people are looking for boldness. (Aren't you?). We look for people who put a stake in the ground  and say, "This is the way it is." People want the truth because they actually can deal with it.  Heck, it's easier than dealing with a lie, isn't it?

I know what you are thinking: "If I tell (fill in the blank) what I really think, she won't like me anymore."

1. How do you know for sure?

2. Do you want to spend your time with colleagues, a boss, or others who want you to be someone else so that they can be comfortable? (It will drain you and make you unbelievably ineffective).

3. How long will it be before the entire truthfulness of the issues emerges and you look like the one who was untruthful?!

When you have a less than "real" relationship with someone who has a lot of power over you, the idea of putting that relationship at risk is scary. So it's important to deliver the truth with respect for the other person involved.

What You Can Do

Here are three sentences that model some ways to do this:

"I have some real concerns about our working relationship..."

"I sensed your frustration in that meeting, and here's how it impacted me. It may have impacted others in the same way"

"Let me tell you something that you may not have heard before..."

Honest relationships are energizing; hedging your bets will drain you.

The next time an opportunity comes up to be bold with the truth, remember that you have a choice.

That choice will live with you for a long time.  

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Do you ever think back on a situation and ask yourself, "Why didn't I say_______?"

We humans have a tendency to want to make things "nice". So we rationalize by committing a sin of omission: not telling the whole truth.

How does this happen?I

There are certain people in our lives who make us feel like being completely honest would harm the relationship with them.  So we smile and hold back the tougher parts of the truth. Then we walk away having to live with a sense of nagging  disappointment.

But it can have even greater consequences.

Why?

Because people are looking for boldness. (Aren't you?). We look for people who put a stake in the ground  and say, "This is the way it is." People want the truth because they actually can deal with it.  Heck, it's easier than dealing with a lie, isn't it?

I know what you are thinking: "If I tell (fill in the blank) what I really think, she won't like me anymore."

1. How do you know for sure?

2. Do you want to spend your time with colleagues, a boss, or others who want you to be someone else so that they can be comfortable? (It will drain you and make you unbelievably ineffective).

3. How long will it be before the entire truthfulness of the issues emerges and you look like the one who was untruthful?!

When you have a less than "real" relationship with someone who has a lot of power over you, the idea of putting that relationship at risk is scary. So it's important to deliver the truth with respect for the other person involved.

What You Can Do

Here are three sentences that model some ways to do this:

"I have some real concerns about our working relationship..."

"I sensed your frustration in that meeting, and here's how it impacted me. It may have impacted others in the same way"

"Let me tell you something that you may not have heard before..."

Honest relationships are energizing; hedging your bets will drain you.

The next time an opportunity comes up to be bold with the truth, remember that you have a choice.

That choice will live with you for a long time.  

Speaking Out About Silence At Work

"How many meanings can silence have? Let me count the ways.'
--Arnold Shakespeare, little-known descendant of The Bard

Silence Is Not Golden Unless You Are A New Parent looked at the danger of assuming--or wanting to assume agreement--in a meeting room filled with silence. Then, we rattled off a number of meanings we think are important for workplace dwellers to understand.

Naturally, my list was incomplete. So, the reader community chimed in with other reasons that are important to tuck away in your mental messenger bag. (Hey, we could have said briefcase but we are sooo 2.0).

Readers Say This About Silence

Chris Witt: "People disagree with what you've said and they don't know how or don't feel safe to voice their disagreement. Some people equate disagreement with conflict, and hate conflict."

Higher ups ask for feedback/questions when they really don't want it. (My paraphrase): People are accused of being disrespectful or not being team players . The crime? They put the boss on the spot by asking (unwanted) questions during a public meeting.

Higher ups blame poor communication on subordinates. One such case was the result of a president complaining about poor presentations. Yet he constantly interrupted the speakers, asked questions they couldn't possibly answer, and was rude and intimidating. Who would want to talk to him?

Dr. Peter Vajda: "Then there are those who feel emotionally lacking, deficient or insufficient as a result of some invidious comparison they are making between themselves and the speaker as a result of what they've heard or what they've seen. They may feel jealous, insecure, angry at themselves (depressed) for being 'stupid'."

Wally Bock: "This is aggravated by the concept taught in many sales training programs that 'silence means consent'." 

Hayli at Transition Concierge: My sales training was similar. . .Essentially, make your proposal and then wait for the silence to force the prospective customer into starting a conversation. We were taught that he who talks first "loses".

HR Jobs: "People may have lost interest and don't want to speak as they think it will look like a sign of interest."

Rodney Johnson: "Too often silence becomes a Silent Problem. When unleashed without warning, it screams."

What To Take Away?

We don't know the meaning of silence at a given moment, because there are as many reasons as there are individuals in the room.

What to do?

I'll repeat the advice from the previous article: Simply ask. Tell the person--or group--that you want to understand correctly rather than make an error in judgment. Then be quiet until someone speaks up. I find it useful to silently count to 10 or even 15. 

Bonus Tomorrow!

Kindred spirit Mary Jo Asmus looks at the flip side of silence with her guest post "When Silence Is Golden". Be sure to stop by.

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Feedback: Whose Motives?

Managers who are good coaches are like good journalists: they listen first and investigate the who, what, when, where, why, and how.

Remember that the real task is to stimulate thinking and help the person across the table gain clarity about some issue of concern. No matter how much we know, we can't stuff it into the other person's heart and mind. When we're on the other side of the table, what do we want?

A sounding board and a mirror.

What to do?

 Listen for gaps in logic, wandering thoughts, missing information, and lurking dangers that seem unknown. Help the person expand upon the answers to your questions, rethink the answers, or find even better ones.

Whose Motives?

We humans love to give advice. Why?

To use and show off our knowledge; boost our own sense of self; "prove" something; reduce someone else's learning curve and the pain that goes with it; or to show genuine empathy and support.

Some of these reasons are honorable while others are really "all about us." Pausing to check our own motives can help us head off the temptation to offer "help" that isn't really helpful.

Being asked for feedback is a sign of respect. Staying focused on the other person's needs is the way to respond in kind.

Be careful when you give advice--someone is liable to take it.

___________________________

It's natural to think about feedback in the context of your company's performance management "systems" and the always-agonizing annual performance review. Check out John Ingham's Improving and Innovating Performance Management.

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Silence Is Not Golden Unless You Are A New Parent

If you make a statement that is met with silence, the last thing you want to believe is that you have agreement.

It's easy to want to assume agreement because it allows us to move on and quickly avoid the potential for dis-agreement, conflict and, unfortunately, the truth about what people are really thinking and feeling.

Here are just some of the meanings that may lurk behind silence:

• People are too angry to speak.

• People are confused but don't want to appear "stupid" by asking a question. Why? Because as they look around, no one else is asking a question and each is assuming that all the rest are silent as a result of understanding.

• People are reflecting on what you said and haven't yet processed it completely.

• People who are counterdependent are actually rebuking you and protecting themselves with silence.

• Those who really weren't listening anyway don't want to do anything that will cause them to be asked a question. They may even nod slightly in the hope that you will "go away".

• People are, in fact, in total agreement with you and thinking more about your conversation/presentation.

(How many more can you add? Do send in your cards and letters via comments).

Think about this: the person in a relationship who maintains silence grabs the power. It's not healthy but it's a fact.

When you encounter silence, name it and neutralize it by saying something like this: "We just spent 45 minutes discussing Project Q. I gave you my take, but what you are thinking--pro and con--is important. Let's discuss it." Then, sit there and wait for the discomfort of prolonged silence to force the conversation to begin.

It will.

For more about the dynamics of talking and silence, check out Nothing Happens Until People Talk plus Employee Needs, Silent Communication, and What To Do.

BTW: I gave you my take, but what are you thinking?

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Caution: Your Self, Your Systems , and Quaker Parrots

You and I may have something in common (in addition to work).

Anytime I come across a parrot, I try to strike up a conversation to see if the bird will talk back. Don't you? For some reason, it's perfectly acceptable for humans to be seen in public attempting to talk with parrots. And if they talk back, it's a treat.

At least for a while.

The problem that arises is this: the darned bird has no idea what it's saying or why it's saying it. Parrots aren't into context. Which is why they, uh, "parrot" things.

What does this have to do with you and systems?

Workplaces are all about systems, and rightfully so. Without systems we would waste time doing the same task differently at each attempt. Makes no sense.

So systems are good. Excellent, in fact. Learning what works and replicating it is a wise thing to do. All of you 5S, GTD, SAP, and PDQ Bach people know that.

So why is "Caution" up there in the headline?

There is a distinct difference between replicating successful systems and trying to mindlessly copy the behavior of managers or management "techniques" that have worked before. 

Take  inspiration from your mentors and models, but become a person who manages upon a foundation of guiding principles. Learn and understand why something worked in the past, taking into account the context in which it worked. That context will help you build a set of principles on which to base your management, your organizational life, and your career.

Use the best models out there to gain a better understanding of management and why you do what you do.

The caution?… None of your people really wants to speak with a managerial parrot.

Oh, why Quaker Parrots? According to this, they are "charming (with)comical personalities and a willingness to learn human speech; the Quaker Parrot is an excellent choice for those who want all the fun of a large parrot in a smaller package. They adapt well to living in a "human flock" setting, and enjoy spending time with their owners."

Could be better than having the teenagers around.

Bonus Alert: Dan McCarthy will get you TORC-ed up about what's most important to your career as well as a related hiring process. This is a primo post.

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Four Ways To Spot Reduced Trust

We're all looking for trusting relationships to build a strong foundation for our businesses, careers, or favorite cause.

When things don't "feel" right at a gut level it's easy to say, "Let's do a survey and find out if something is going on with our customer/employee/donor relationships." That's both expensive and time consuming. By the time you get the results, here's what has happened:

1. The fact that people have participated in a survey automatically raises the expectation that something different is going to happen as a result. If nothing different happens, then trust diminishes.

2. People expect to at least hear the results. Again: if the results aren't shared, people wonder why they spent their time and energy trying to be helpful. And, they wonder what was so horrendous that it couldn't be discussed. A double-dip of trust reduction.

3. Unless you do a survey quickly and then respond quickly with the results, enough time will have passed that the issues impacting the survey may no longer be relevant.

Trust: Diagnose This!

It's helpful to learn to recognize for yourself the signs that things aren't quite right in the "trust" department. You can do an accurate diagnosis as the first step to getting back on track with your relationships--on and off the job.

Hedging Their Bets

Hedging is placing a bet elsewhere so that if a current proposal or situation fails, people have other alternatives. That certainly makes sense on the surface. The problem is that hedging becomes a distraction. It takes a lot of time for people to develop a Plan B. If you think about such instances in your own life, the alternative can start to look more interesting than the current assignment. The result:  You begin to see people putting less effort into the work at hand.

Lesson: When you see people talking more about options that protect themselves vs. actions that achieve the communal goal, you are seeing a lack of confidence and trust. 

Emotional Distance

Confession: When I don't trust someone, the easiest thing to do is to minimize my contact with them. The payoff is this: I reduce the risk of betrayal, hurt, or other consequences of failed trust.

When a person distances one's self themselves from their  work relationships, they aren't fully engaged. They may be occupied in task-oriented work 100% of time but they aren't contributing with their full potential.

Lesson: If you are a manager and see someone operating in this way, it's time for a quiet talk. That means: Listen. Start off by relating what you see and asking what could be getting in the way of the potential that you've seen demonstrated in the past. Be prepared: It may be you. Listen and hear what is being said. Whatever the issue, thank the person and allow that you need some time to ponder what was said so that it can be addressed in the most helpful way. Then, be sure to follow through.

I'm Outta Here

Leaving might mean finding another job within the company or even leaving the company for seemingly greener pastures. It's also a kind of retribution. "I'll leave you without my skills; then, your lack of trustworthiness will be laid bare for all to see."

Lesson: If one person does a disappearing act yet all is (genuinely) well with everyone else, it may be best to close the book and move on. But when you start to see the resumes hit the street, it's time to talk with each person and determine the underlying issues.

Alliances

When people don't trust someone, it's common for a group to gang up with others who share those sentiments: "The enemy of my enemy is my friend!"  When this happens, you get groups who start hedging and distancing themselves as entire teams or departments. This magnifies the negative impact of those behaviors on the situation.

Lesson: If there's a party and you are the only one not invited, congratulations:  it's probably about you. It's time for a sit-down that may very well call for a great deal of humility on your part and lots of mutual forgiveness to get things back on track.

Note: When you sense any of the above beginning to surface, sit down with people and describe what you are sensing. You may find out you are wrong and that nothing--or something totally different--is happening.

Experience has shown me that good diagnostic skills are the lifeblood of managers everywhere. So is action.

Don't wait until you've confirmed your diagnosis in a thousand different ways. Holding out for perfection may prove you correct but you'll show up just in time for the autopsy.

Gotta lay off of those CSI reruns.

Bonus: Apparently the folks at Forbes.com are hot on the trail of the trust thing as well.

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Wisdom and Business

Wisdom and Business? The Thought Exists.

Beginning in 1917, Forbes Magazine set aside its last page for "Thoughts on the Business of Life". It was B.C. Forbes' hope that wise words and reflections by sages and thinkers throughout the centuries would "inspire a philosophic mode of life, broad sympathies, charity to all."

His vision was one of thoughtful reflection, a wide range of understanding, and reaching out to others.

Today it's common to see posters, desk ornaments, appointment books, and presentation slides showing inspirational, wise, and motivational maxims. At some level--as business people--we acknowledge the importance of wisdom. We have to wonder, then, what is happening in daily practice when we see the onslaught of blog posts, newspaper articles, and scandals that reflect frustration with a lack of managerial wisdom, personal integrity, and basic kindness toward others.

What is happening that causes managers, employees, and organizations who acknowledge the importance of wisdom and integrity to then struggle in their ability to live that way?

First:  It's Personal Before It's Organizational.

Organizations are collections of individuals. The only place an organization exists as an entity is on its papers of incorporation and stock certificate. Past that, the organization is a community of people. Each person brings values, aspirations, talent, and one's overall "self" to the business. As a result, if you want an organization of wise people that act with integrity, the individuals within have to possess those attributes. In the words of B.C. Forbes, they would possess a "philosophic mode of life."

In practical terms, that means that they see themselves as learners and an incomplete work. Companies would be wise to invest extra time and energy in validating whether a new hire or candidate for promotion has a passion for personal growth--not just a passion for learning. Personal growth implies depth, not just breadth. If I were to complete 3 different doctoral programs but gain no deeper understanding of myself in relation to those around me, what have I gained that will improve the nature of my organization and my life?

And Yes, It Is About You

Before embarking on a hiring campaign, expanding your leadership skills, or seeking a promotion, understand that the integrity of that process begins with your own integrity. The extent to which you are clear about what is honestly important to you; what is honestly important to your business; and what you can honestly present or offer to another will influence your success.

Why?

In addition to the common definition "honesty and incorruptibility," integrity is the "quality or state of being complete or undivided."

Here's what that means in real terms. It means that unless you are undivided about who you are--and who you are not--you lack integrity. The building in which you work has a certificate of occupancy that was only granted after it was tested for structural integrity.

If you were tested right now on how clear and undivided you are about who you are, would you get a certificate of occupancy?

Here's what I really hope will be a useful tip if you want to be a person of integrity:

I struggled for a long time in getting focused--getting honest--about what I wanted for the future scope of my practice. Every time I tried to define it I thought of all of the consulting, coaching, and speaking projects and engagements I had done over the years. I thought of all the things I hoped to do and wanted to be. It led to nothing but long lists and wasted energy. One morning I awoke fresh and this question came to mind:

1. "What are all of the things you are not?"

2. "What are all of the things you do not want to be?"

3. "Are you telling yourself the truth?"

It catapulted the process into the ozone. Try it. It is easy to list all of the things you don't want to become. It is an exercise in honesty to list all of the things that you are not. And, quite frankly, you'll know right away whether you are lying to yourself or not. And if you think you can't see something accurately, ask a friend, colleague, coach...

We are used to equating additive processes with success. But that only creates more "stuff."  Getting rid of what you don't want is like cleaning your storage room. After tossing out what is obviously junk, you can clearly and more accurately see what is left and what you value enough to keep.

(Try it. Really. And let me know via email or a comment how it goes).

So, for organizational wisdom: start with personal integrity and clarity. If we don't know who we are, we can't see clearly who others are. Our discernment is distorted. The images that we see are being reflected from an internal mirror that is made of frosted glass. Only a clear, smooth coating will do.

Note: If you truly have been honest with yourself--then take a job that you know is not a fit, but you must earn some money --understand what you have done. Should your colleagues or boss behave in ways that are inconsistent with your defined values, it is not their problem. You have made a short-term decision to violate your integrity. This will probably present a terrific opportunity to gain wisdom, should you choose.

And Next, It's Organizational

I'm sure many of us have been involved in vision, mission, values activities at work. But that phenomenon seems to have lost steam. What was an attempt to get organizations to "dig deep" in determining what they were really about has morphed into wall plaques, sound bites, and the headings of annual reports. What was designed to offer purpose-driven and moral guidance has, for many, become another exercise-du-jour. (There are also many companies such as Johnson & Johnson and Minerals Technologies who work at living out their guiding principles. I have consulted often with both and have been impressed by their consistency).

What is the answer, then?

If companies and countries want to hire, elect, and retain the best, they need to re-visit their values and "who we are" in deeply clear and meaningful ways. There is no way to discern "best fit" without understanding "who we are" and "what we hold dear." To send an HR person or manager into the "talent wars"  without those is akin to sending them into battle unarmed. They may come back with a warm body, but it will be a prisoner and not a contributor. 

Wisdom, Discernment, Integrity, and Speed

Every major religion has a principle that addresses the relationship between stillness, sound decisions, and wisdom. I'm not naive to the inner workings of profit-making organizations. Heck. I am a profit making organization (regardless of what my accountant says).

If you and your organization truly want to do the wise thing, genuinely want to discern what is true and what is not, and create organizational integrity (both honesty and structure); then allow the time needed to do so. Clarity doesn't exist in the midst of a blur. Wisdom isn't acquired from reading quotations; it is acquired as a result of taking time to be quotable yourself. And  personal wholeness and structural soundness aren't built on rapidly shifting values and foundational quicksand.

Become the wise, discerning, person of integrity that you want your organization to be.

Someone has to go first. Someone who values the wisdom of that decision. Why not you?

 

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Wisdom, Discernment, Integrity and Decisions

How often do you hear the terms wisdom, discernment, and integrity used during the business day?

What are organizations looking for when hiring, promoting, and thinking about future decision-makers?

We hear words like intelligent, problem-solver, action-oriented, results-driven, and good decision-making ability.

But what good are any of those if they aren't carried out with wisdom, discernment, and integrity? It's possible to be action-oriented and still take a lot of wrong actions.

Does intelligence guarantee sound leadership?  History reveals that many leaders with intelligence that was clearly "above average" have oppressed their people, ruined their economies and committed genocide.

What Are We Dealing With Here?

First, some slightly paraphrased definitions from Merriam-Webster Online.

Wisdom: ability to discern inner qualities and relationships : (insight) c : good sense : (judgment).

Discernment: the power to distinguish and select what is true or appropriate or excellent; the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure.

Integrity: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : (incorruptibility); the quality or state of being complete or undivided : (completeness).

Why Do They Make a Difference?

Let's start with integrity. It's probably the easiest to deal with and something that we do talk about on the job, at least when it is violated.

Integrity makes a difference because it's an outward indication of our internal character. If we say we have a set of "corporate" values and then live by them--even if it means sacrificing extra revenue--then we are known as having integrity. When we live up to our word, we have integrity. Most of all, integrity is what allows a person or a company to be trusted.

When you possess wisdom, you are able to make judgments that go beneath the surface issue or decision being presented. My observation and experience show that those possessing wisdom have actually learned from their previous experiences and mistakes; have confronted their own part in them; and now are able to see more clearly what is happening within other people and other situations. Maturity--not age alone--is necessary for wisdom.

Discernment is probably the least-used word in business. It implies a well-honed wisdom that allows one to accurately "read between the lines" when dealing with people and situations and see what is true. You and I know lots of people who say "I know how to 'read' people. However, I don't really know lots of people who discern the truth very well at all.

What Happens in The Absence of Those Three ?

When we hire and promote based upon education, experience, and behavioral traits, we're still working on the surface. To get "keepers" we need to dig one level deeper.

At a business luncheon meeting a few years ago our well-educated, high-level executive speaker spent his entire block of time talking about his accomplishments, what he was going to achieve in the coming year, and the plan to get there. When he asked for questions, the guy next to me said something gutsy. He paraphrased William James:

"I'm sorry. Who you are spoke so loudly that I wasn't able to hear what you had to say."

My neighbor had discerned the self-centered character of the presenter. The speaker had not discerned the values, maturity and character of his audience. As a result, his accomplishments couldn't overcome the low regard in which his peers began to hold him as a result of his bravado. It was a defining moment that impacted his career mobility.

When we're hiring, promoting, and making leadership decisions of any kind, wouldn't it be worthwhile to accurately discern who we're getting?

It will ultimately determine what we get.

There's a lot of blind faith attached to the perceived attribute of "intelligece."  Have a look at Jim Stroup's piece on Blind Faith at Managing Leadership.  Another take from an HR perspective is Sharlyn Lauby's Truth and Transparency.

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Perfect or Perfectly Boring: There's a Better Way

Perfection causes stress. Stress is toxic. For that reason alone, trying to attain perfection in your presentation is self-defeating from the outset. Let go of it now. 

The human ability to sense another's nervous discomfort is not only exceedingly keen--it is contagious and stretches an audience's tension level like a taut rubber band.

If no perfection, what do people look for  during a "presentation?"

Connection and  engagement that allows them to experience the meaning useful information. The first two require humanity, which includes a degree of imperfection and vulnerability that prompts listeners to think, "Hey, (s)he's kind of like me!"

We want real people because we've come to understand that emotionless, perfection-emitting talking heads aren't connected  with our reality. When we sit through a flawless data dump of any sort--financial, research, engineering--we wonder why the speaker didn't simply send us a White Paper and call it a day.

Where Does The Perfection Thing Come From?

Let's be fair. If you are educated in the sciences, finance, or engineering, your college grades and professional performance appraisals relate directly to your ability to be precise. In fact, you are valued and rewarded  for precision. Discovery research, accounting and financial projections, aerospace engineering and quality control of all sorts contribute to the growth, safety, and stability of every aspect of life. 

So, it's only natural for many to extend that kind of well-rewarded precision and analysis to the  speaking platform. The problem? Lengthy, detailed, here's-everything-I-know-about-this-topic presentations that bore instead of score. 

But perfection isn't limited to the precise. It extends to an entire range of psyches seeking to avoid embarrassment, be seen as "the best", or believing that anything less than perfect will be punished. The causes for that kind of thinking are numerous and varied but the results are the same: unhealthy stress that touches everyone involved. 

OK, Steve, What's the Solution?

Find out what the person or audience wants to know about your topic.  Make a few phone calls, drop into a cubicle or two, and say: "I've been charged with talking about The Widget Launch. What do you need to know?"

1. Your audience will give you the content.

2. You'll feel confident about being on target because you'll know you are fulfilling an already-expressed need.

3. The "presentation" will feel like the continuation of a conversation instead of a stand-up routine.

4. Those in the room will start off on your side because you've already developed a relationship with them. 

5. "Perfect" loses its power when "meeting needs" replaces "knowing it all."

Let me know how it goes. . .

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Why Even Think About "Global" Presentations?

If you've ever made one, you know the answer.

We are all, naturally, "creatures of our cultures. " When it comes to communicating in global business we often find:

1. Different expectations about how information is delivered and discussed (or not).

2. Different expectations about and reactions to energy level, formality, and informality.

3. The issue of literal vs. figurative interpretation of phrases as people attempt difficult translations into their native languages.

4. A certain sensitivity on the part of the speaker:  "Am I really making myself understood?"

When I started out many years ago, the bulk of my coaching and training work was with U.S.-based companies who were doing  work internationally. I had lived and worked in Europe, Africa and the Middle East for a number of years so the engagements were a good match and rewarding. That kind of expertise has continued to keep me outside of the U.S. for 30% or so of each year.

Now, the dynamic has shifted somewhat. Organizations outside of the U.S. are finding that communicating with U.S. teams carries its own set of challenges:

    ▪    While U.S. companies genuinely promote teams and teamwork, there is still an underlying element of individuality that is not present in many other cultures. This can become confusing during the decision and discussion phases of a presentation or meeting.

    ▪    There is a much higher tolerance for uncertainty and ambiguity amongst Americans. While planning and procedures are valued, "options and alternatives" are seen as good things.  Other cultures can experience such uncertainty differently and  choose to avoid it. Rules, structure, and hierarchy are seen as valuable ways to reduce the discomfort that comes from ambiguity.

    ▪    Acceptance of power and hierarchy. Presenting one's ideas and arguing one's  point regardless of organizational title  is usually a valued sign of assertiveness in American companies.  However, earlier this year  I received a mobile call from a client who was cooling her heels outside of the office of a CEO in Portugal. It seems that she was two levels below him in her organization and he was unwilling to see her alone even though the meeting had been arranged. The solution? We got a friendly local CEO known to us to physically intervene, make the proper introduction, hang around the proper amount of time, and then ride off into the sunset when he sensed all was well.

The world is, indeed, getting smaller. And from my experience, most people want to reach out and help their global colleagues. Often they don't know how because they don't know why a certain dynamic is in play.

Learning about these kinds of connections--and becoming comfortable with them--is, and will be, a highly-valued attribute within successful global companies.

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Influence and Knowing the Norms

So, you've got a sense of the culture in your organization? Good.

Then it's time to go one level deeper and begin to see clearly the norms that come together to create that culture. If norms influence the culture, then you need to be aware of how to influence the norms.

Norms are rules that a group uses to define its appropriate and inappropriate values, beliefs, attitudes and behaviors. The catch: Those rules may be explicit or implicit. And those unspoken norms will bite you every time if you don't find out what they are.

Norms are so important that a failure to stick to the rules can result in severe punishment, the most feared of which is exclusion from the group. A common rule is that some norms must frequently be displayed; neutrality is seldom an option. Think about what "business casual" means in your company. Khakis and a golf shirt? Logo shirt? Jacket without a tie?

Your Norm Checklist

To help you and your colleagues identify norms, here are five very specific categories:

1. Explicit Norms are written or spoken openly.

2. Personal Norms: Standards we hold regarding our own actions.

3. Injunctive Norms: Behaviors perceived as being approved of by other people.

4. Subjective Norms: Expectations that "valued others" hold as to how we will behave.

5. Implicit Norms: Not stated openly; however, you'll find out quickly when you break one!

Norms can be conveyed  by non-verbal behavior such as silence or 'dirty looks' in response to an unspoken norm having been broken. They may also be passed along through stories, rituals and role-model behavior. In Japan, new employees are assigned a mentor who, over time, passes along the company's norms by sharing stories about people, situations, and the outcomes. No employee manual needed here; simply the storytelling of a more experienced employee.

What to Do

• Identify the rules you put on other people  as a condition for being in your group. Are these productive or convenient?

• What rules have the group put on you? Are they productive or convenient? Are there any which are particularly bothersome and unproductive?

What would happen if you made the implicit explicit? 

Bonus read: Consistent with yesterday's Like-ability post, GL Hoffman offers up  Ten Tips On What You Can Do Today .

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Does Like-Ability Mean Pleasing Everyone?

Rachel Esterline, blogging gurette at A Step Ahead, picked up on the like-ability factor in Are You Focused on The Right Thing? 

Rachel notes that she catches flak from some people who just don't "get" the time she spends blogging. Yet, her blog has opened doors to her and she loves to write and connect in this way.

Does that mean that she should do something differently to silence her critics?

I hope not.

Like-ability, Integrity, and Relational Longevity

The idea of expecting everyone to like you is unreasonable, somewhat narcissistic, and will cause you to make yourself into something you are not. It’s sort of like “Who do I have to be at this moment so ____will find me likeable?” That’s pretty darned ingenuine and would, therefore, make one totally unlikeable once people catch on to the scam.

The issue is this: We all enjoy connecting with people who listen to us, acknowledge us, and honor the fact that our viewpoint on a given issue may be different. Those who can hold fast to their values without dragging someone else into the mud in order to “make their point” appear to achieve two things:

1. A wide range of friendships and connections

2. Longevity with those in #1

Note: I didn’t consider my writing and speaking successful until people starting arguing vehemently and asking me to substantiate my position. When I factually or experientially substantiate my position, I do it and let the chips fall where they may. Anything less lacks integrity on my part, puts me in Wuss-land, and diminishes my professional stature. Likewise, if I find that I’m wrong in some way, it’s equally important to acknowledge the error as well as the contribution of the “adversary”.

Punchline: My observation is that intelligent, emotionally stable people simply want honesty. I may not like what I hear but I will certainly respect the person who delivers the truth.

Do you want to be flattered by a liar or told the truth by a person of integrity?

Perhaps genuine like-ability also has a time and truth equation included. Which is why we should beware the inclination to fawn over charismatic figures in all areas of life whose only real attribute seems to create a good "feeling"  in the moment.

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